When we talk about narcissists, we most likely think of adults. Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for the admiration of others.
But to truly understand where narcissistic personality disorder comes from, we have to look at childhood development.
Children are most vulnerable to influences on their personality because they are only developing their personality. Who surrounds us the most when we are children? Our parents! Whether good or bad, the way our parents treat their children affects that child’s personality in adulthood. Our parents! Whether good or bad, the way our parents treat their children affects that child’s personality in adulthood.
How do people become narcissists in childhood?
Related: What REALLY Causes People To Become Narcissists
Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist, author, lecturer, and counselor on narcissistic disorders, explains that certain parent-child relationships in early childhood can cause narcissistic personality disorder in adulthood. She shared three scenarios that delve into why someone might develop this disorder and explain how that translates into adulthood.
Read on to learn what goes wrong in early childhood development that can cause narcissistic personality disorder. There are three common childhood scenarios that I hear a lot about from my narcissistic clients.
Related: I Fell For A Narcissist — Then Prayed For A Miracle
#Here are 3 toxic educational attitudes that turn children into narcissists:
1. Parental values
In this case, the child grows up in a highly competitive family that only rewards high achievement. The family motto was: If you’re not the best, why bother?
Love was conditional: When you came in first place in a race, won the science fair, or starred in a school show, you were praised and cared for. When you didn’t, you were disappointed.
Children in these families do not feel loved consistently. It is difficult for them to enjoy anything for its own sake if it does not give it status. They only feel safe and worthwhile when they succeed and are recognized as “the best.” This triggers a lifelong pattern of chasing success and confusing it with happiness.
Related: 9 Ways Narcissists Ruin Every Social Event
2. Underestimating the value of the narcissistic parent
In this scenario, there is a parent who is always controlling and devaluing the child. The parent is generally irritable, gets angry easily, and has unrealistically high expectations.
If there are two or more children, the parent will praise one and devalue the others. The “good” can quickly become the “bad” and suddenly a different sibling is promoted. No one in the family feels safe and everyone spends their time trying to calm the explosive, narcissistic parent.
The other parent is often treated just like the children and belittled as well. When he or she disagrees with the narcissistic parent, they are devalued as well.
Children who grow up in these families feel humiliated and inadequate. Later in life, they often try to prove to themselves, to the world, and the devaluing parent that they are special and that their parent was wrong. Proving that they are special becomes a lifelong mission, while there is always a harsh inner voice that criticizes every mistake they make – no matter how minor.
Related: 7 Sneaky Tactics Narcissists Use To Escape Responsibility
3. “The Golden Child”
These parents are usually covert narcissists who don’t feel comfortable in the spotlight. Instead, they brag about their extremely talented child. The child is often gifted and praiseworthy, but these parents sometimes take it to extremes.
Sometimes the child feels embarrassed by excessive praise and feels burdened by this role. As one of these mothers told me: “My son is the patriarch of the family who will lead us all to greatness.”
Punchline: The most common childhood ways to develop narcissistic personality traits include a focus on winning at all costs, the constant threat of devaluation, or parents who place you on a pedestal and insist that you stay there.
Related: 3 Ways To Spot Covert Narcissists Before They Strike
