Everyone enters into relationships with some kind of expectations.

Expectations about how they want to be loved. Expectations about how often they will communicate with each other. Expectations about what their sex life will look like.

Truly, the potential number of predictions is endless.

There are reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations when it comes to relationships (and what is reasonable for one couple may be different for the other).

Examples of reasonable expectations include:

I expect my partner to remain loyal to me since we agreed to a monogamous partnership.
I expect my partner not to physically hit me in any context unless mutually agreed upon in a sexual play scenario.
I expect my partner to express any concerns he has when it comes to emotional health and overall connection in our relationship.

As for unreasonable expectations… I’ve heard hundreds, if not thousands, of unreasonable relationship expectations over the years as a relationship coach. Some are more subtle than others, some are painfully overt.

Unreasonable expectations hinder intimacy. By consciously or unconsciously writing down a laundry list of what your partner should be like and how they should behave to please you, you are setting the relationship up to fail. This is especially true when meeting these relationship expectations is nearly impossible for anyone to achieve.

Here are three things to expect from “good” relationships that are extremely toxic:

“If they loved me, they would know what I need.”

People are not mind readers. No one can know what you want from him at every moment without you expressing your desires.

When you withhold your needs or desires from your partner, you give up on yourself. If you want to be in a highly effective relationship, learn how to communicate your desires. Some people think it’s easy to tell their partner what they want…but that’s often not the case. It might be the scariest thing in the world to tell someone (who cares deeply about you) the truth about how you feel…or to be the one who initiates sex after a week-long dry spell.

And if it’s too scary to tell them what you want… start by telling them where you are.

If you want to ask for something new or different in bed but you’re nervous about bringing it up, you can start by saying, “I want to ask you for something right now but I’m feeling nervous about it… and it might be.” Be silly as soon as it comes up, but I’m still worried about what You’ll think of me because I want it.

Communicate your sincere desires. Be as forthcoming as possible. If you are nervous or apprehensive for any reason, just let them know where you are.

“I must love my partner unconditionally.”

No, you absolutely shouldn’t.

Healthy love between consenting intimate partners is not unconditional.

While you should certainly make a concerted effort to have a deep, resilient love for your intimate partner, there are some conditions that, if broken, will have an impact on your love for them (or on the relationship itself).

Maybe they hit you. Maybe they come home drunk every night for weeks on end and this affects the relationship. They may not have said a word to you in over a week. Wouldn’t your love become conditional if any of these things happened?

Healthy love is conditional. If you expect reasonable things to happen (“being treated like a king/queen every day” doesn’t count) and they don’t, that could be a reason to end the love/relationship.

“It doesn’t have to take work.”

I hear this often just because of my line of work…but I’ve heard it from clients, non-clients, friends, family members, and people from all walks of life.

There’s a romantic idea that if a relationship is meant to work, it must work… without any effort or intention on the part of the partners involved. It should be running on autopilot. It should be an effort. There should never be anything that feels like “work.”

Every couple I know who has an abnormally high-functioning relationship is doing their best.

They are brilliantly effective communicators because they have read books, attended seminars, and worked to figure out how their partner uniquely needs to communicate with him/her.

They have an exciting sex life because they take the time to learn about their unique bodies and cycles.

They go on week-long reconnecting vacations to explore each other’s bodies and talk about their dreams for the future.

When conflict arises between them, whether subtle or obvious, they address it head-on and see if they can come to an amicable solution that meets their emotional needs.

Whatever it was that was a problem for them, they had come to a mutually agreed upon agreement that it would not remain a problem for long.

The bottom line is…people in high-functioning relationships do their best work. And it pays off.

All relationships are for healing. And yours is no different.

So, if you think the idea of scheduling date nights on your calendar is unromantic, you may want to question that belief and ask if it’s serving you and your relationship.

An intentional love life is a thriving love life. If you ignore the little things, your relationship will eventually suffer. If you prioritize the little things, your relationship will eventually flourish.

Your committed, intimate relationship is either stagnant or deepening. There is no common ground.

Here are three things to expect from “good” relationships that are extremely toxic:

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