Narcissism has gotten a lot of attention lately, but few articles have looked at how people can overcome it. For almost every problem, from borderline personality disorder to sexual assault, psychology aims to provide evidence-based solutions. This includes cases that cause harm and pain to others. We try to remove the shame from many conditions. However, we often don’t apply this attitude to narcissism. Articles about narcissism often have a “shame on you” tone.
Can you be a recovering narcissist? Absolutely. This applies even if you don’t have a strong motivation to be right now. It’s very common for people to have little insight into their condition at first, or a desire to change. I could give many different examples of this, including some perhaps surprising ones. For example, someone with anorexia often doesn’t want to gain weight, hoarders often don’t want to stop hoarding, and people with agoraphobia don’t necessarily want to start leaving their homes. Someone with one of these conditions may want to feel better (e.g., less anxious), but they don’t want to change their behavior or give up their crutch. So, a narcissist’s limited insight or desire to change is not a unique obstacle.
Insight and desire to change vary from person to person. A narcissist may end up in therapy for a variety of reasons—for example, relationship problems, drug or alcohol problems, or depression. People with vulnerable narcissism are, by definition, neurotic.
Narcissists will generally only be interested in changing their ways when it benefits them and will accelerate their success and happiness. But that’s okay, we can work with that.
Here are three strategies to consider if you’re a recovering narcissist or want to be one.
- Understand your personality better, both positive and negative.
I’ve written several posts about self-help strategies for people who have some insight into their narcissism. This post about 9 types of entitlement tendencies and how to overcome them is a good place to start. If you lack insight into your narcissism but are open to getting some, this post about the self-sabotaging things narcissists do is worth reading. Scott Barry Kaufman’s article on why narcissism and imposter syndrome are linked is interesting and has the potential to help you understand yourself more fully. So is this provocatively titled article “23 Signs You’re a Covert Narcissist Disguised as a Sensitive Introvert,” which talks about vulnerable/covert narcissism.
- Find someone who is insightful and willing to take advice from them.
Narcissists tend to view others as inferior to them. Therefore, they will resist other people’s advice and perspectives. However, narcissists may respond to outside advice if they see it as potentially valuable to them, especially if they feel a sense of prestige from their association with the advice-giver.
A narcissist will want to surround themselves with people who will flatter their ego. A skilled therapist will challenge a narcissist without overwhelming their ego so much that they don’t respond to the challenge.
Even if a narcissist isn’t seeking treatment for narcissism, the work that goes into therapy for other issues (such as depression or anxiety) can help the person see more perspectives and defend their ego less.
In other areas, such as work, narcissists can benefit from mentors who respect them enough to allow themselves to be challenged, and who are willing to follow their advice, without requiring every idea they seek to be their own.
- Consider adopting this label.
Recognizing that you have some narcissistic tendencies is not the end of the world. The term narcissist should not be used as a label equivalent to “you’re a bad person” who doesn’t deserve love, self-esteem, growth, or any of the other basic human needs. Any type of extreme personality type causes people to have trouble getting along and fitting in. While your narcissism may have some benefits for you, it will likely have some downsides as well.
People who are vulnerable to narcissism (rather than grandiose narcissism) often experience a lot of emotional pain and anxiety, which can be treated. You can see working on your narcissism as part of a general self-improvement project. It’s not easy, but it can be helpful if you allow the people you love to call you out on your narcissism when they notice it. This can help you learn to notice it better.
You don’t have to label yourself as a clinical narcissist, but you may have some narcissistic tendencies. No one will want to identify themselves if they think doing so will label themselves as hopeless or unhelpful. This is why psychology shouldn’t use narcissism as an insult or a term of derision. Psychology can be a bit slow to fix these kinds of attitudes. For example, borderline personality disorder used to be viewed that way, but then better treatments came along, and psychologists’ attitudes toward people with these tendencies improved.
