3 Signs Your Toxic Friendships Are The Real Cause Of Your Relationship Problems |

Your boyfriend may not be the biggest problem in your relationship. Maybe they are the toxic friends and toxic people you share all your problems with.

Relationship problems are normal, and venting when you’re upset can be helpful. But if your friendships are toxic, masked relationships, they may do more harm than good.

When you’re angry or upset, you’re not looking for signs that your friend is toxic. You just want to hear how you feel better again.

Your heart hurts. Your new friend didn’t answer you for hours because he was “busy.”

Before you Facetime a friend, scroll through Netflix for a quick flick, or post on social media to express your grief, do a quick self-examination and ask yourself:

Are you hoping for relief?
That others agree that all men stink and there is no hope?
To have people tell you you’re a great catch but they’re not into you so you run away?
For someone to listen, talk about what happened, think about the whole picture, and come up with a constructive way to communicate with your friend about communicating in ways that work for both of you?

Depending on who you ask, you’ll get different comments and different relationship advice.

Some friends will help rile us up so we take quick action to leave, which can be great if your partner is treating you like a doormat and you need a pep talk to get out of it. But these comments aren’t so great if your partner doesn’t understand how not responding to texts made you feel and why, and is open to improving communication with you and building the relationship back up.

So how important is it who we contact for relationship support and advice?

After reviewing the literature on the impact of our social networks on romantic relationships, Professor Sprichor noted in the Journal of Personal Relationships 2011, “Previous research suggests that the support of social networks is associated with the development and continuation of relationships.”

So, who you connect with may influence how your relationship grows — or even if it lasts at all.
3 signs that your toxic friendships are the real cause of your relationship problems

They thrive on your relationship drama.

We all have friends who thrive on relationship drama. My college roommate was a lovely friend and I adored her. And while we’re now in a grounded place, looking back at that time, I can see how her world revolved around relationship drama.

During the hours and hours of conversation we shared, the vast majority of it centered around what her boyfriend did or didn’t do, what he said or didn’t say, and how she felt about him or no longer felt about him.

Her hands were waving, her eyes were staring into the distance, and her mouth was forming words so fast that I could barely keep up. When we talked about my relationships, I felt my sense of drama heighten as well. I spent more time thinking about the pros and cons of the relationship (mine and mine) and less time doing things I enjoyed and writing good college essays.

You can imagine that all this thinking about every detail of the relationship didn’t help me feel about my boyfriend or make me enjoy spending time with him, for that matter. Can you find the connection?

I have distanced myself from these types of friendships and found a balance between my work, family, volunteer work, and time for myself. A great person came into my life and our relationship blossomed into a beautiful love story. I focused on the good, we talked through the challenges, and I made sure to keep other parts of myself active.

Then, shortly after we got married, we hit a bump and I needed an outside perspective. I thought a lot about who to contact, knowing that I wanted clarity, not drama.

I contacted the most consistent member of my wedding party who guided me through this issue with compassion, while also helping me see that what seemed like a huge deal was just a misunderstanding. Wow, that’s what I call a bridesmaid!

But dating isn’t the only aspect of your life where drama can affect the lens through which you see your partner.

As a new mother, I joined a playgroup with dozens of others. Our kids were drooling over the blocks while we talked about life. As the weeks went by, our focus shifted from conversations about how we were raising kids, our careers, our interests, and more to complaining about our spouses.

I found myself getting involved, and I found myself feeling increasingly angry at everything my husband did or didn’t do. One day I was sitting apart (my child had bitten another child the week before so I was watching closely!) and I started to hear the conversation.

Many of these smart, funny, loving, giving, compassionate, creative, and hilarious women were immersed in talking about all the ways our partners let us down.

“This is not who we are,” I thought. “But that’s the group mentality I’m shifting to.”

I stopped going, started focusing on all the ways my husband is amazing (he is!), engaged with more positive friends, joined a book club, and reinvested in spiritual growth and fitness. My relationship with my beautiful husband has improved.

While I’m using my examples, this translates to all genders in all relationships.

So evaluate what your friends are talking about. Is it primarily relationship drama? Can you help shift the conversation to talking about romantic partners in a kinder, more helpful way? Can you encourage conversation that isn’t just about relationships?

Or maybe it’s time to look for other/extra friends to not only divert the conversation in the group but also your head?

You’re too deep into social media.

Have you seen the movie Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle? One character thinks it’s over with her boyfriend because he didn’t respond with a “like” to her morning Instagram photo.

If all your friends think this is how a guy proves he likes you, you might believe it too.

But think about it: Is this the only way you’ll notice if your partner likes you? Do you need your partner to show it on social media to feel loved? Do you need all your friends to see the proof? Why?

What if your partner shows up for you in a variety of other ways, like asking you to go to a movie he thinks you’ll like, introducing you as his girlfriend to his parents, or giving you a big smile when you walk in the room?

We spend a lot of time with our friendly apps. Take a few minutes to do a mental self-examination and see if social media is helping or hurting your feelings about your relationship.

Moving forward, pause now and then to think about the people on your social media and how they influence your opinions about relationships. Ask questions like: “Do I care what they think about my relationship? Why or why not? What content do they share and how does this reflect what I see about relationships?”

I remember seeing a post from a friend in high school who I hadn’t seen in years. She was lamenting that her husband had ruined her girl’s night. I have chosen not to participate in what has become a rapidly escalating online conversation.

Instead, it made me sit and think about how easy it is to tell the world about our relationship problems, but how difficult it is to sit face-to-face with our partner and express our needs and desires, listen to theirs, and create common ground.

But if we want love and connection, not drama and separation, what is the better way?

After evaluating how social media affects your relationship and your views on relationships, think about your relationship values and the images you put online as well. As corny as it sounds, we can be the social media friends to others that we want for ourselves.

You compare your relationship to what you see in movies.

Who hasn’t watched a happy movie when they’re feeling down about their relationship? But is it beneficial to surround yourself with? Are these characters good company for your current problems?

Have you chosen one with characters you would like to be your friends? Have you chosen a romantic partner who is reasonable to expect in the real world? Do any of the characters go about their jobs or is the entire story just trying to meet their partner’s needs?

For example, have you noticed that most movies show that women have nothing else to talk about but men? They talk about whether they like them, they wonder if they’ll call, they wonder if their clothes are nice enough to go out and meet these guys.

American artist Alison Bechdel parodied this in her cartoon, giving rise to the real-life “Bechdel Test.” According to the Bechdel Test website, there are 3 simple rules for passing a film:

It must contain at least two (named) women.
Women should talk to each other.
They talk about something other than men.

Think about your favorite movies. Do they pass the Bechdel test?

While many popular female-focused films tend to show women talking mostly about men, do these films impact how we view relationships?

According to research by Professor Julia Lipman of the University of Michigan, the answer is “yes.” Her research presented in Psychology of Media Culture has shown that depending on whether you watch romantic comedies, reality TV relationships, or situation comedies, you will have different views on relationships.

So, when you’re feeling down about a relationship or feeling down, in general, ask yourself: “Are these characters I’m watching the company I want to keep? Will watching this help how I think about my relationship?”

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