An alarming idea, isn’t it?
You tire trying to heal yourself after a toxic relationship, but you can’t help but wonder if you have a chance in hell of being healed from narcissistic abuse.
What makes you different from the millions of other people trying to recover after narcissistic abuse?
You do all the same things. Joining hundreds of Facebook groups, fiddling with positive affirmations, and devouring all the books about narcissists you can find on Amazon — you know, the usual.
But you are still not sure if you will actually achieve any cure.
While healing from narcissistic abuse varies from person to person, there are three basic steps that must be taken before real healing can begin. If these steps are not done, healing can take much longer than it needs to, if at all!
To ensure you don’t sabotage your recovery, I cover these three basic steps below. They don’t necessarily need to be executed in the order I list them, but they do need to be fulfilled before you can proceed with the work of true healing.
3 fail-proof steps toward recovery from narcissistic abuse
1 – Acceptance
When is the time to let go of the relationship? It’s time to accept the need to let go when you’ve stopped growing as a couple, your bond is causing more pain than happiness, you’re both being manipulated and abused, and/or the overall climate of the relationship is one of anxiety, fear, and shame.
What do I mean by relationship climate? If you think of your relationship in terms of the weather, what is the general climate like? Lots of sunshine and a breezy breeze with a few rain clouds here and there, or thunderstorms, tornadoes, and tsunamis?
A relationship with a narcissist will be one of perpetual whirlwinds.
Once you’ve determined that your partner is abusive or emotionally unavailable and won’t change, it’s time to accept the need to end the relationship — rather than holding on, hoping in vain that they’ll go back to being the person they were when you first met.
It’s natural to want to make things work with someone you love, but loving a narcissist is just as good for you as being diagnosed with cancer. Narcissistic abuse has been linked to certain types of cancer (Desaulniers, 2016). And if you have cancer, letting go of the narcissist is the first empowering step you can take toward recovery.
Accept that a breakup is imminent and that reconciliation is not in your best interest. By doing this, you can save yourself from further pain in the future and move on to the next healing phase of letting go.
2 – let go
Once you have accepted the necessity of breaking up, the next step is letting go. Letting go is similar to letting go, but it involves an inner transformation. It is an internal process of consciously recognizing that you can make it on your own and that you don’t need the narcissist to survive emotionally.
In your mind, you let go of the deeply held belief that you need the narcissist to feel good about yourself.
In your mind, you accept that there will be a difficult road ahead, but it is one you are willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and to make room for a mutually loving relationship later).
In your mind, you give up waiting for apologies and closure from your abusive partner.
In your mind, you give up on the narcissist.
In your mind, let go of the microphone and walk away.
Once you have completed the previous two steps, the next step is de Grasse’s coup d’état, albeit a hesitant one…
3 – No connection
Lack of contact is often the hardest step in recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, this step is the basis for determining whether or not you will be cured. You cannot finish the other steps without it.
In the case of joint custody, Extreme Modified Contact should be applied to protect your emotions and allow healing energies into your personal space.
When you avoid non-contact, don’t properly block the narcissist, and/or try to stay friends, you’re accomplishing many things, none of which are beneficial or healthy for you. Many examples of these self-destructive gaffes include:
It takes away your credibility for any limits you have tried to set
Reach out to the narcissist you are cooperating with or calmly accept their unacceptable behavior
You will constantly look for signs that there is still a chance for reconciliation
You will prepare yourself for a sexual situation that is free of strings attached (no strings attached on the part of the narcissist)
You will put yourself in the role of “safe reserve” when the narcissist needs additional supplies beyond his new partner
You will develop (or deepen) feelings of self-loathing because you cling to someone who will never reciprocate your affection or devotion.
Your self-esteem and confidence will plummet because you won’t be able to accept the narcissist’s lack of commitment (even if they claim they will, you’ll be crushed when you find out they lied again)
Your core abandonment wounds will only get worse, exposing you to complete dysfunction and annihilation
You must work through all three of these critical steps to begin healing from narcissistic abuse.
