It’s hard, isn’t it?

How do you begin to heal from the trauma of narcissistic and emotional abuse? When you’re first running away from this type of relationship, it’s as if the best thing you can do is keep breathing.

But then, you get an email from someone you’ve been following and they’re promoting a free summit with 20-50 speakers who will all help you break the cycle of trauma and heal from narcissistic abuse. All for free, and all from the comfort of your couch.

You sign up for the free summit and wait for the day it arrives, all while struggling to keep your nose above the water in the meantime. You ignore the emails that say you can get the entire top for one low price – because it’s free, right?

Somehow, you’ll get through the next couple of weeks and finally get a notification that your first presentation is about to start. You can set up your device and get a pen and paper to take notes. That would be great

As the first speaker starts discussing their secret magic trick for healing narcissistic abuse, you try hard to focus because your little ones have a wrestling match on the floor in front of you. As if in a queue, a convoy of work trucks arrives in your neighborhood (with warning beeps) and your cat decides it’s time to earn a hairball.

However, you can bypass it. The first presentation is very good, and you were offered a gift, a link to a contest, or some other free resource.

You can hardly believe that you are getting all this for free!

But then you’re bombarded with emails, popups, and notifications about getting the entire top for one low price…and you’d better hurry because the price is going to double or triple in the next twelve minutes! Seeing how hard it was to focus on the first presentation I had waited for weeks, I decided to go ahead and buy it all.

But alas, instead of walking away from all material with a clear path to recovery, you feel overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated. Lots of different opinions and theories… plus you’ve already seen most of the stuff on YouTube.

Was it worth it?

If you’re curious about this or simply wondering what it gives you…then read on because today I’m going to pull back the curtain on these free recovery tops.

My own experience of free narcissistic abuse recovery summits
It’s been a long time since I started on the path of helping victims of narcissistic abuse break free from toxic relationships and heal their lives. During this time, I have met a lot of professionals in this field. Some of them became dear friends and colleagues. As a result, I’m often invited to do things like speak on someone’s podcast, submit (and accept) guest posts, participate in online summits, etc. I’ve done all of these things…and will continue to do them, with one exception.

I rarely participate in online summits anymore. Here’s why…

I care about you so much.

What do I mean by that? Seems unexpected, right? It may seem like the more people to learn from the better, but I’ve been on both sides of these online events so I can give you the inside scoop from every perspective.

Early on in my therapy journey, I used to get quite excited about free tops online. I would count down the day and then set aside hours to sit and listen as many of the experts talked about their subject matter.

Sometimes I learned something new. Not often because several people always talk about one topic (often, with differing opinions and theories). But when I learned something new, it was always exhilarating.

What I didn’t anticipate was the marketing tsunami that came next…and it’s often right when I joined the “free” summit (i.e. get everything now at that monstrous discount!)

Not only was I getting emails from the organizers of these summits, but also emails from the experts I signed up for, not realizing what a snowball I had made for myself. Eventually, I completely stopped signing up for these events (imagine 30+ speakers all trying to sell “their stuff”). Instead, I only followed a few teachers that I trusted.

Later, as I became more well-known in my field, I began to be invited to these events as a speaker.

The first few times, I thought it was great. I thought I was part of something big to help people heal and be happy again. But then I began to realize that these peaks weren’t always the best thing to offer my followers, who I care deeply about.

You ask what did I learn? Let me share here:

Behind the scenes of the free narcissistic abuse recovery summits
1 – I’ve had followers of mine reach out to me to say that someone who was a speaker (at a summit I promoted) has engaged in shady business practices, made a pass at them, or somehow otherwise traumatized them, or sent them controversial information in a newsletter.

2 – People have called me saying they haven’t received all the items they thought they were buying.

3 – I learned that the “free” online tops are network marketing digital MLM. These jobs are not free because the whole point is to make the host as much money as possible in a short period.

4 – I’ve been getting emails from my followers after their inboxes were filled with emails from the 20, 30, or 40 people who spoke at summits I promoted.

5 – I’ve received emails from people asking how to get a refund for programs or services they signed up for on someone else’s site after participating in a conference. Many times, they would email me because they couldn’t get a response from the other person.

6 – “Free” online summits are a common part of many business models because they make a lot of money for the host(s). People who participate in it are offered an affiliate link so that they can promote the summit as well. This is not necessarily a bad thing; Except how would a speaker know what the other 20+ speakers are going to say in their presentations? It’s like offering a drug that hasn’t undergone rigorous testing.

7 There are always talkers trying to convince you that there are “unknown” secrets to making things work with a narcissist by things like helping them process their trauma or helping them heal their avoidant attachment style. Or worse, if you appear as a “Queen,” the narcissist’s dysfunction will melt away as if by magic; if you can appeal to the “unprocessed” parts of the narcissist, you will be able to create a fulfilling relationship. This is nothing more than a myth aimed at your desperate desire to make a narcissistic change.

These are just the most common causes.

The truth is, I often know a handful of people who speak at these summits (some of them are great teachers!)

But I often don’t know people who are more than 20 or 40. I don’t know what they teach, how they treat their followers, or even if they are real advocates (there are some fairly popular “advocates” who are narcissistic).

I don’t know if they care about you the same way I do, or if they could be manipulators in disguise. I don’t know if they would try to enroll you in their training for thousands of dollars, putting your money at risk.

I don’t know what they do with your email address or personal information (I’ve seen all of these things happen over the years).

I care too much about you to put you in any of these situations.

I am not saying that these things will necessarily happen to you if you sign up for these tops. May you have a wonderful experience. I am not saying that those speaking at these summits have bad intentions. They may have the absolute best intentions and they may not have made the same discoveries that I have.

I’m also not saying I’ll never participate in a summit again. But if you do, you can rest assured it’s someone I’ve personally vetted and completely trust. Someone I know you will be safe with if you decide to follow them, enroll in their program, or take training from them.

I consider you family…and I don’t refer my family to strangers when I have no idea what’s going to happen.

In addition, I feel that these summits often devalue the work of some speakers, some of whom are pioneers in the field. I’ve unfortunately witnessed true greats blend in with other speakers who weren’t very helpful. By the time the seasoned expert speaks, the listener is numb and has lost interest, thus missing out on the wonderful teachings that might help him.

Furthermore, because there are so many different opinions and theories, people often end up with a “Frankenstein” version of recovery from trying to piece together various suggestions and “master secrets” from many speakers, which generally hinders their progress and leads to frustration and feelings of failure.

Honestly, if there’s a speaker that interests you, there’s a good chance they’ve already covered their topic in a podcast or YouTube video. Therefore, in many cases, there is no need to wait for the top.

Conclusion

It is not wrong for experts to make money in their business. Try to make an appointment with your dentist or doctor and ask them to be free. We don’t expect it… and we shouldn’t expect it from online experts either.

In the same vein, attorneys often offer free advice, but if you want to go the extra mile, you’ll need to hire them for their expertise.

If you’ve been following me, you know I believe that to grow and move forward, you must plan to invest in yourself. This may include activities such as working with a coach, enrolling in a program, finding a therapist who specializes in recovering from emotional trauma, and other proven modalities.

However, what I don’t believe in is promoting these “free” events because 1) the whole point is for the organizer to make a lot of money, and 2) I don’t believe in promoting the work or theories of people I’m unfamiliar with.

I hope this gives you a clear picture of why I don’t share (or agree with) most of the summits online. At the end of the day, your emotional well-being is what matters most to me, and I try very hard to protect it.

No matter which recovery path you choose, here’s the bottom line:

Your goal is to find a mentor or method that resonates with you and stick with it.
Is it easy?

heck no. Usually, it takes a lot of work.

But this is how you heal.

You stop following everyone under the sun and confine yourself to a handful of teachers and healers.
You participate in the work of healing regularly. No more “try it once and leave it” shenanigans.
No more “Frankenstein” approaches to recovery trying to hash everything together from many speakers.
You create healing habits so effective, that you make all those who refuse to contact their mother.
It is that simple. It’s tried and true. And it will lead you to recovery much faster than registering for all upcoming free summits.