There is no discovery or change for the narcissist, so one must focus on his or her reactions and boundaries. When you feel a big reaction coming, this is a clue to what the hurt is and where it came from.
Then, instead of giving in to reacting in the usual way by dodging or apologizing, you can take the opportunity to speak up and express how you feel regardless of the narcissist’s denial. The more you talk, the more you can control your reactions.
You can also step back and take some time to think about what triggered you.
Then, without expecting a positive reaction from the narcissist, state your boundaries loud and clear.
For example, if sexual assault is part of the equation, you can clearly state that any personal touching is prohibited. The narcissist may easily forget these boundaries and continue to violate them, but now you are telling the truth, and the more you do, the better you will feel.
However, realize that a narcissist may do what you say if he cares enough about the relationship with you or others in your orbit, but only because it serves him. Remember, you can’t change it.
Finally, when I started talking about narcissism and narcissistic defensiveness in some of my TikTok videos, I felt confident to say to my viewers: “If you made it to the end of this video, you are not a narcissist. It may have been narcissistically defensive, but a true narcissist would not have enough ability to… Self-reflection to get this far. Keep up the good work!”
Flattery makes them more likable and earns them praise, admiration, validation, respect, and attention (positive or negative)
Aggression makes them feel better by devaluing others
Since supply is in demand, they have tools in their toolbox, which enable them to quickly supply…
- Empathy from sharing a story that depicts them as a victim,
- Praise from the story that makes them heroes,
- A long conversation (attention) about their lying and its impact on the relationship
- Put you down
- Undermining your success
- Breaking something valuable to you (vandalism)
- Create drama
Related: Narcissist, I Forgot To Tell You Something
#Your new response breaks the pattern:
1. You agree with them.
They are making an inflammatory statement or accusation. Without an emotional reaction, you agree with them.
Thanks for pointing that out. It was your idea.
You know you’re right. I can be a little controlling.
you are right. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes.
Maybe you are right. Some time away might be good for us.
They are trying to provoke an emotional reaction by devaluing you. When you respond with approval, rather than tears, anger, or shock, you take the wind out of their sails. Their tactic didn’t work. They posted it correctly but didn’t get the supplies and are confused.
2. Don’t react.
This is the heart of the gray rock technique. It becomes a dull gray rock. They try to evoke anger, sadness, despair, fear, and any strong emotion. Their control over your emotional state gives them narcissistic stock. You don’t react. Instead, they continue with everything you say or do as if they had never spoken…
You will go back to reading your book
She continues to sort through the mail
You make the statement, “Dinner will be at 5:30.”
Once again, their tactic did not work. They got angry and upset with you. They accused you of terrible things. They pulled out all the stops. Didn’t react. Now they are at a loss, and even more desperate for supplies.
3. Don’t pay them any attention
After trying unsuccessfully to get a narcissist’s supply by devaluing you, the narcissist may try a new tactic. As you can see, they are getting desperate.
At this point, they might try…
Grab your attention or sympathy with a story related to their day,
Doing something praiseworthy (such as finally completing an important project to you),
Ask for advice and attract your attention,
Create a dramatic relationship between you and another person and attack him like a hero,
Fake the future with dream trip plans,
Even break down the love bombing methods that have worked in the past.
Once you no longer want to be used for narcissistic display, you reject these advances out of your lack of interest. Alternatively, you can respond simply and politely, with…
Thank you for the coffee. I appreciate it.
I’m sorry what happened to you.
Thanks for fixing the faucet.
Sounds like a nice trip. Let’s talk about that next month.
This sounds like a challenge. what are you going to do?
This will confuse the narcissist. They don’t know what to do next.
Related: How To Leave A Narcissist Safely And Peacefully
A confused narcissist is dangerous
They suffer from increasingly emotional dysregulation and are in desperate need of narcissistic supplies. At this stage, you may…
Escalate their efforts to devalue you
Responding with narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage
Find the offer elsewhere
In severe cases, they may even experience a narcissistic breakdown.
Related: 5 Personality Traits That Attract Narcissists & Abusers
You are much more than just a source of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist may ask for this; However, you are not required to provide it. And just because you’ve done it for months, years, or even decades, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to keep going.
When you heal, you stop understanding their behavior. You no longer believe that their abuse tactics have anything to do with your identity. You realize that their behavior is only about them.
You become emotionally indifferent to their words and actions. You no longer feel the need to defend yourself, fight back, or get involved in drama.
At this point, the narcissist is very confused, but you no longer care.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It is an account of how I was able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it could be helpful for you.
