It’s impossible to get along with everyone all the time.

Often times our loved ones, colleagues, friends, and even complete strangers can rub us the wrong way.

But it’s not always easy to communicate this discomfort.

So, instead, we swallow it, thinking that we are somehow keeping the peace by doing so.

However, when these negative feelings are not expressed, they usually leak out.

Cue: Passive aggression.

Instead of being able to speak their minds, many people resort to this type of indirect confrontation instead.

For this reason, if you hear the following phrases, it is most likely a passive-aggressive way of criticizing you.

1) “Well, if I knew”
The suggestion here is that they are in the dark about something, and it is your fault.

The responsibility lies with you.

They’re not mind readers, so how could they know?

It’s actually a way of scolding you and shifting the blame back to you.

2) “Okay, I’m confused”
They are not confused.

But they highlight that what you say or do has:

unprecision
Contradictions
Holes in it are meaningless

But instead of saying so explicitly, they appear as if the situation is not clear.

It’s a subtle way of asking you to get your act together.

3) “Just kidding”
This applies to all those phrases that someone tries to cache with a sentence like:

“just kidding.”

Much passive aggression is masked through sarcasm or playing humor.

But most of them aren’t funny, they’re just mean.

They are venting their frustrations but trying to use it as a form of fun.

4) “No crime”
When you hear these words spoken, you should brace yourself.

Because coming your way is a huge insult.

But that’s okay, they’ve already told you there’s no need to be offended, right?

Er, no.

In no way mitigate rude, unkind, or inappropriate comments by claiming that you don’t intend to hurt someone’s feelings.

If you need to say this, you already know it’s offensive.

5) “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
Basically, review all the exact same points as above.

Is there a correct way to take what you are about to say?

Probably not.

6) “Just a friendly reminder”
I have some sympathy with this one.

I can imagine it was born from the need to:

Try to get someone’s ass on alert
While at the same time remaining “polite” about it
The problem is that it has become a cliche. We know the real meaning behind this is:

Get this friggin’ move on.

As uncomfortable as it may feel, it’s best to be direct.

Because direct doesn’t have to mean rude.

7) “Suit yourself”
You chose an option they don’t like. They’re not completely okay with that.

It goes against what they want to do, or how they feel about the matter.

But they pretend that you have the right to decide.

The truth is that they think you’re wrong and want you to reconsider.

There’s also a strong hint of selfishness loaded in there.

The implication is that you do what is best for you, not anyone else.

8) Why not…?

When we ask this “question” it is really just a convincing statement.

And let’s face it, it’s probably judgmental.

That’s why it was wrapped in a question, to make it sound like a friendly suggestion that had just occurred to them.

But it is not.

It’s advice they believe you should follow closely.

9) “You’re very sensitive, aren’t you?”
Being sensitive is a strength, not a weakness.

But in this context, we know very well that they don’t mean it as a compliment.

The obvious suggestion is that you:

• Overreacting
• melodramatic
• illogical
• Calves
• Being pathetic

But maybe, just maybe, I’m not “so sensitive.” Maybe they’re just a jerk.

10) “Calm down”
Never in the history of people saying “calm down” has it done so.

It’s not as if these words have some mystical soothing powers that allow a wave of serenity to wash over you.

Quite the opposite.

Usually when we are told to calm down, it relaxes us more.

This is because it is a passive-aggressive way to take the moral high ground.

This indicates that you are overreacting and cannot hold your own.

On the other hand, they are arrogant and superior.

11) “Why am I not surprised?”
You let them down, disappointed them, or just failed in general…

But hey, they expected that from you.

This passive-aggressive statement is absolutely loaded with disappointment.

However, instead of saying they feel hurt or frustrated, they appear to know it’s coming along.

You’re used to doing the wrong thing, so what else do they expect from you?!

12) “For future reference…”
meaning:
I made a mistake, and I don’t want/expect this to happen again.

But instead of expressing my dissatisfaction with what happened, I’ll just try to turn it into a favor next time.

This way, it will look like I’m not complaining when I actually am.

13) “Correct me if I’m wrong”
** Smart alert. **

You are about to start school.

It’s just a way to strip someone naked but pretend to be humble about it.

They know they are not wrong. And even if they were, they certainly didn’t want to be corrected.

14) “Let me know if I misunderstood”
Likewise to the point above, they didn’t misunderstand it. They know this.

But they will point it out to you to highlight their disbelief. Because they think you misunderstood.

So when they say:

“This was my understanding of our agreement, please let me know if I misunderstood.”

What they really mean is that you got it wrong.

15) “Moving on…”
I made the mistake.

Next time, don’t mess around.

Here’s how to avoid having sex again.

16) “I’m actually quite impressed.”
This is one of those backhanded compliments.

Although on the surface it seems like a nice thing to say:

Hey, you did a good job.

There is still a very big caveat. Because they were surprised that you did so well.

They will never expect competence or skill from you.

So they’re amazed by the fact that you’re not completely useless.

Wow, really high praise!

17) “I heard you for the first time”

Difficult translation:

Stop repeating yourself.

You’re boring, annoying, boring and it gets on my nerves.

18) How are you doing with that?
For God’s sake, hurry!

Their patience in waiting for everything they have to wait is probably wearing thin.

It’s a “polite” way of saying what’s taking so long?

It would likely be said through gritted teeth.

19) “Whatever”
uttered by hormonal teens running up and down the floor.

This is a way to raise the middle finger to everything I just said.

Their disdain isn’t particularly convincing either.

It’s a simple disconnect that says they don’t care about your opinion, comment or request.

20) “You’re so lucky”
Why this passive aggressive criticism?

Because they are not genuinely happy no matter how much good luck may come your way.

Instead, they are very envious.

This phrase almost says:

What did I do to deserve this?

It’s not your hard work, skill, talent, or brilliant personality. It’s just blind luck that doesn’t seem fair.

21) “If you apply yourself”
This is the thing your parents or teacher will tell you when you don’t get the grades they want.

Although this indicates your potential, the main point is that you are not trying hard enough.

Not only is this a shame, it is a huge disappointment.

22) “I understand”
Stop holding on to me.

I heard you, I understood, now please shut up.

23) “Why are you so upset?”
There is absolutely no concern or curiosity in this question.

They are not trying to understand your point of view.

They don’t invite you to share your feelings. They punish you for trying them.

It’s an incredibly invalidating thing to say to anyone in distress. It only expresses their discomfort with your emotional display.

24) “I should have known better”
“…than I should trust you.”

“…than you think you can handle this.”

“…than I should leave this to you.”

They are not to blame here. They strongly believe that it is all your fault.

However, playing the wronged martyr highlights that they gave you a chance (against their better judgment) and that you let them down.

25) “I’m only saying this because I care”
Their alleged interest in you (whether real or not) is justification for the criticism that will undoubtedly follow.

Whether that’s you:

• You need to get your life together
• You have neglected yourself or others
• You do something devastating that is bound to catch up with you

The truth is, they may very well care about you. But they also teach you that you are failing.

26) “If you like it, that’s all that matters.”
There’s no two ways about it, they criticize your taste.

Maybe they think this is nicer than coming straight out and saying they don’t like it.

But it is quite clear what their thoughts are.

And putting it that way just seems kind of condescending.

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