Has it taken you years before you suspected someone in your life might be a covert narcissist? If so, don’t feel bad. This is common due to the nature of the personality disorder and its secretive nature.

Secret means hidden – and if you know a covert narcissist – you may have noticed that a lot of these negative characteristics are often too hidden until you recognize them. Today, we’ll cover 24 warning signs you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.

Today, we take a step back and look at the signs that someone might be a covert narcissist. And why is this important?

If you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, that person can’t easily change, and we can’t change them. So you may end up in a situation where you feel like you’re banging your head against the wall for making this relationship work, whatever the type of relationship it is.

And you keep putting all your efforts, all your time and effort into trying to make this work, and nothing will happen. If you are dealing with a covert narcissist, there are reasons why. There is nothing you can do to help someone change if they don’t want to change. So, one of the most popular videos on this channel is Eleven Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist.

Now, let’s get to those 24 warning signs, shall we?

24 Warning signs of a covert narcissist

Passive aggressiveness
So the first sign that someone is, or might be, a covert narcissist is that they are passive aggressive.

Now, that’s who a lot of people identify with, and I identify with it, too. There were many times I acted out in passive aggressive ways.

So just because someone is passive aggressive doesn’t mean they are a covert narcissist. But if someone is a covert narcissist, you will notice that passive-aggressiveness is their preferred behavior.

They are almost always passive aggressive, this is because they have a lot of pent up aggression and anger, and it has to show up somewhere, but they don’t feel confident enough to be aggressive. So it comes in a passive aggressive manner.

He plays the blame game
The first sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person will love telling you what you did wrong after you did it. They don’t usually have that kind of drive, but they’ll tell you all about how they would do it if they did.

It’s a devaluation tool, and it’s used a lot, especially if you’re close to that person.

Private dialectic
The third sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that they may choose highly polarizing topics to talk about. They can choose sides, and it will be either one side or the other.

And again, if you get into arguments with people about politics or religion, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a covert narcissist. But this is a very common thing for covert narcissists to do because it allows them to show their aggression.

Trust is threatened
So the fourth sign that you are dealing with covert narcissists is that they feel threatened by your trust. If you’re feeling particularly good, that’s when they’ll devalue you, and if you’ve accomplished something big, they might devalue you for it and belittle it like it’s no big deal.

Or they may change the subject and bring it back to them or start a discussion. Arguments are a great way for covert narcissists to bring conversations back to them.

Never happy
The fifth sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person is never happy. Even when you think they should be happy, even when you think they got everything they ever wanted, they are not happy. And this makes you think that something is missing.

It leaves you feeling like something is missing. And if you’re in a relationship with that person, or even if they’re a parent, you feel like you might have done something to make them feel miserable. This is something you often see in their eyes or facial expressions. Even when things are going their way, they are not happy.

These are the people who will find flaws and all, and they will find a reason to not be happy about something. Well, she’s got this new car, but she’s got this and I didn’t even realize it. They can take things apart and they will never be truly happy. It’s kind of sad, but it’s the truth.

Highly sensitive
This person is very touchy, and you may not see this early on. If you do, it will usually be towards other people. But once you get into a relationship, once this person starts to devalue you, you will realize that they are hypersensitive to things that you may not even realize.

I have a video about narcissistic injury, and I talk about narcissistic rage in this video. And you may find that this person explodes over something that you didn’t even expect would turn them on in any way. Or you might say something in an argument that you think might turn them on a little and might make them a little angry, but their reaction is beyond anything you could have expected. So with this person, you end up walking on eggshells.

Related : 5 Signs You’re Clinging To Toxic Hope

dismissive
The seventh sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is that they are very dismissive people. And you’ll see this, especially in a relationship with a romantic partnership with a covert narcissist, you won’t feel like they really want you.

And even sometimes if you get the feeling like they want you there, you always know they don’t need you there.

You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. They strongly believe that they don’t need you because everyone is interchangeable with a narcissist. It creates this feeling like they are always 1 foot out of the door where they could leave at any moment. And this is the sad truth. They can leave at any moment and may do so.

Judicial
The eighth sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that this person will be very judgmental. Now, depending on how secretive they are, and how insecure they are, they may not be able to make superior external judgments. They may not be sitting there talking about other people in front of large groups. But even an insecure narcissist, you will see it in their face, and you will hear it in the tone of their voice.

There will always be that disdain, and it just has to do with how accepted they are. So if they are around people who are going to enjoy ripping someone off, they will. But if they’re around someone who might try to shame them into doing that, they’ll just keep quiet about it. But this provision is always there.

Overly empowered
For example, they may decide for some reason that it is your sole responsibility to do all the housework. And it’s not a discussion, it’s just their expectations.

This turns into many things. There is an entitlement at work where a narcissist may feel deserving of a promotion when they are not doing anything and barely show up for work because they overestimate their contribution to everything.

Titled After Introversion
In contrast to the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist is more introverted. And this can be very isolating because it can get in the way of you having a good time and having your own social life.

Because in these situations, the covert narcissist will also make you feel guilty or ashamed for doing things they don’t want you to do.

Compassionate and superior
When a narcissist feels like he knows something more than you, or if you are wrong in front of him, that’s when he shows his superior attitude. It may also happen if they think they are better than you because of their gender, race, or religion.

It is very likely that they will surpass you because they have this faith, so they are good and you are bad.

Actualization and depreciation
They will become perfect and diminish upon repetition. It’s a cycle that repeats itself over and over. After devaluation often comes exclusion. And it may or may not be something completely obvious and in your face, like a clean break. It might just be that they act like they did to you. Maybe if you are in a romantic relationship, they are cheating on you and they don’t care how you handle it.

So, the idealization stage, we often talk about love bombing. This is when they go hard and fast when they build you up. And the devaluation stage is when they annoy you. So they build you up just to tear you down. And this happens over and over again. And this is one of those signs that if you’re experiencing this in a relationship, it’s a big red flag.

Relationships shouldn’t be on this kind of roller coaster, no matter what kind of relationship it is, it shouldn’t be too loud. If abuse is present, it is at least time to re-evaluate this relationship and what it means to you.

A different public image
This person may have a different public image. And that’s something if you’ve been with this person for a while. It’s probably obvious to you, you know, that they’re a different person behind closed doors than they are in public. But one way to tell if you’re on the fence is to think about how this person treats you and some of the things they said to you.

If the people in their life, the people who are close to them and who seem to be close to them in their life, are going to freak out and not believe or maybe not believe at all that this person is going to say that, then that person has a different point of view. More of a public figure than a private one because you know very well and expect them to say those things because you’ve been there so many times before.

Gas lighting
The fourteenth sign that you are dealing with a covert narcissist is that person is constantly getting the spotlight. So it often has to do with gaslighting about some kind of lie or something they’re trying to cover up. Even if you see it with your own eyes, they will deny it and make you question your sanity.

And if you want to learn more about gaslighting, I have a video all about it, and I’ll link to that here.

Very sarcastic
The 15th sign that you might be dealing with a covert narcissist is that this sort of thing goes hand in hand with some of the other signs, only they are not happy people, while being very judgmental.

So they don’t have a rosy view of the world around them or the people they don’t trust with their lives because they know their intentions. Thus a narcissist may assume the worst of you, and they always will. They may assume the worst of you and others just because they know what they are capable of, and just assume that everyone else is capable of the same.

Victim mentality
They may identify as a victim. And depending on who you’re with, you may see different levels of this. But in many situations, there is some kind of victim story and it could be a story from childhood or it could be a story about past relationships, the people who wronged this narcissist, and they will gladly tell you this early on. If you’ve been meeting a narcissist in your adult life, and if it’s been a romantic relationship, they’ll tell you this very early on.

In general, you will find a victim story. This is the kind of person who just can’t get a break. Unfortunately for empathetic and sympathetic people, this may prevent you from actually leaving.

It can help you explain some things, some behavior that is not acceptable, and especially for highly sensitive people, it may leave you wanting to help, wanting to fix this broken person. The reason is usually because they don’t deserve it or because they didn’t try.

It’s all about them
The covert narcissist will wrap any of your problems to be about them. This will show up in a variety of ways, but it’s most evident when you’re dealing with some kind of grief or loss. They’ll often start an argument, then twist and turn that argument until it’s about something you’ve argued about a million times before.

With a narcissist, sex is at the worst possible time. They expect something from you like sex, or it could be something else and they will throw an all out tantrum if you don’t give them what they want.

When you notice that is when you need their emotional support. This can happen again with grief or when you are sick. It’s a time when you really need them and they just aren’t there.

Exploiting security vulnerabilities
A covert narcissist will take advantage of your weaknesses. If you tell them something you’re afraid of, they may use it to hurt you. I know when I was dealing with this, I had made a lot of things that were obvious because I didn’t think this person was hurting me on purpose.

But once I started to see it in a different light, everything became clear. And those loopholes which I had so freely given up were used against me entirely.

Downplaying anger
If you’ve been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, I’ll bet you’ve been here. There’s a lot of anger bubbling up from behind the surface, and they keep it down for the most part. But if I say something wrong, if I say something that turns her on, she totally explodes.

The anger they display can also be a trigger. When you bring it up later, they don’t want to admit they were that angry. They don’t want to admit that they have lost their temper, so they will deny it outright. This is another form of gaslighting. They may even refuse to yell at you while they are yelling at you.

Smear campaign
When you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you will often see that person will engage in smear campaigns. There will be people who talk trash about you, and you’ll probably think that’s your friend. They don’t say anything to your face, but they do talk behind your back. And you may or may not know that they do until it progresses further.

So until someone else tells you or you start noticing that people treat you differently and you start connecting the dots. So you can protect yourself from him quite easily because if you know that they are the type to share things about other people that seem inappropriate or if they talk bad about other people or gossip a lot, then you should know that this is not someone you share your secrets with or trust too much.

Revenge
This person is very vengeful. You know not to cross this person. And if you do, you know they will retaliate. They won’t let it lie. This is why smear campaigns are often so successful because there are groups of people who know that it’s not very fun to be on that person’s bad side.

So for the time being, they’re going to take part in bringing someone down because it’s not him. For now, they can breathe easy because they are not the ones in the narcissistic spotlight.

Triangulation
This person relies heavily on triangulation. Triangulation is a manipulation technique that narcissists often use. It may be the narcissistic parent who puts a child on a pedestal and compares other children to that child. Or it could be romantic partners pitting X against each other or X against an existing partner.

Essentially, they put one of them on a pedestal to devalue the other. They can also use triangulation to make you feel guilty. They may bring other people to it. Well, this person thinks that you are this, and that. This person thinks you did it wrong. Instead of saying the thing themselves, they may use someone else to pit them against you. This comes again in the smear campaign.

He avoids responsibility
A covert narcissist is very likely to avoid direct responsibility. So they are not likely to take much responsibility for themselves, but they will be there to tell you that you did something wrong if you take that responsibility.

Now, if it’s something they feel completely comfortable with, they might as well do it. They may try to lobby for a position of power, but covert narcissists are more likely to sit on the sidelines.

Not narcissism you know
The twenty-fourth sign that you may be dealing with a covert narcissist is narcissism. You know something is wrong, and you know something is off. You may have discovered that this person suffers from empathy, and that sometimes they are awful to you, and sometimes they are wonderful.

So they go through this idealization and devaluation. The last thing you would expect is that the person you’re with is a narcissist because they don’t fit that grandiose overt narcissist stereotype.

These are 24 warning signs of hidden narcissism. So what do we do with this information?

I want to go back a bit and point out again that not all of these signs are sure signs that someone is a narcissist. So there are a few things you might do.

But if someone close to you shows more of these characteristics or warning signs than that, that’s a big red flag that something is wrong, and there’s a good chance you’re experiencing emotional abuse.

So it’s up to you to re-evaluate the people in your life and decide who you want around you because the people we let into our lives have a huge impact on our self-esteem and our overall well-being.

24 Warning signs of a covert narcissist

Trending now