It is normal to face challenges in life, but when life’s difficulties knock on your door, do you take responsibility for them, or do you blame everything and everyone around you?

When we have a victim mentality, we filter our entire existence through a narrow, paranoid mental lens used to perceive other people and reality.

While it is important to claim the victim role if we have been truly abused or abused, we cannot move on with our lives unless we move out of the victim role into the survivor role.

What is the victim mentality?

Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mentality that seeks feelings of persecution to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility.

People with a victim mentality are convinced that life is not only out of their control but that it will intentionally hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, pointing, and pity fueled by pessimism, fear, and anger.

Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame others and circumstances for your unhappiness.

How self-harm develops

No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born with clinical depression or anxiety. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.

Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether it was through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or psychological abuse. Self-harm can also develop through codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting an unhealthy victim mentality displayed by one or more members of our family.

However, even though what happens to us as children is completely out of our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and take back responsibility for our happiness.

read : The Victim’s Cloak: How The 3 Kinds Of Narcissists Wield It

9 The benefits of being a victim

Playing the victim actually has several interesting perks. These rewards make it very difficult to get out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.

Can you see some basic patterns starting to emerge here?

Playing the victim gives you a lot of power: the ability to avoid responsibility, the ability to “right” feel grief and persecution, the ability to avoid uncomfortable feelings, and the ability to manipulate others.

The dark side of playing the victim

Most people who play the victim do so unconsciously or unintentionally. However, the role of the victim involves a tremendous amount of manipulation and pulling of strings. People who are in relationships or friendships with victims often report feeling like they are puppets shaped into whatever the victim thinks they are or wants them to be.

That others feel sorry for you is an easy way to understand your little finger. This unconscious desire to control others through their empathy is nothing more than a way for the mind to reinforce its belief in the ego-identity “I am a victim.”

There are plenty of comforts and artificial “safeties” in playing the victim’s identity. Not only does it reward you by not having to take responsibility for any of your behavior (because “other people” are always to blame), but it also prevents you from experiencing uncomfortable feelings like guilt and anger, all the while making you feel “cared for” by others.

Playing the victim is often used by abusers and/or sociopaths who use this role to maintain a severe emotional leash on those close to them.

For example, a narcissistic person might constantly put their partner down, then focus on the one time their partner took a picture of them and called them a “monster,” actually making it look like “the one who got abused.” Or a physically abusive person may use the excuse that they “always have to put up with the other person” as a reason to hit their partner.

As we can see, the “poor me” attitude can be used on both sides of the human spectrum: both “normal” people and the more extreme and dysfunctional. For example, in codependent relationships, self-harm may be used by the enabler and the abuser, and sometimes both at the same time in some kind of power struggle.

There is no single “type” of person who fits into the role of victim, so it is wrong to say that only narcissists or sociopaths adopt this role. I’ve personally seen all kinds of people play this role: from sweet old grandmothers to teens, moms and dads, professionals, and even “spiritually awakened” people.

23 Signs of a victim mentality

Are you or someone you love playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:

You constantly blame other people or situations for your unhappiness
You have a “life against me” philosophy.
You are cynical or pessimistic
You see your problems as disasters and blow them out of proportion
You think that others are deliberately trying to harm you
You think you are the only target for abuse
You are reliving painful flashbacks that made you feel like a victim
Even when things are going well, you find something to complain about
You refuse to consider other points of view when talking about your problems
You feel helpless and unable to deal effectively with a problem or life in general
You feel attacked when you receive constructive criticism
You think you are not responsible for what happens in your life (others)
You think everyone is “better off” than you
You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself
You attract people like you (complaint, blame, feel victimized by life)
You think the world is a scary, and mostly bad, place
You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with others
You have a habit of blaming, attacking, and accusing those you love for how you feel
You feel powerless to change your circumstances
You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it you feel bad
You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life
You tend to be “one person” when it comes to sharing painful experiences
You constantly put yourself down
As we can see, the constant feeling of being a victim is very destructive both internally and externally.

How to stop being a victim

If you are reading this article because you suspect you may be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you get out of this toxic role:

1. Start by replacing “you” with “I.”
   For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel so angry,” you can replace this phrase with, “I feel so angry when I hear you say that.” This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.

Read : Why The Narcissist Who Abused You Now Claims To Be Your Victim

2. Consider yourself a survivor
   The victim grapples with life, and the survivor embraces it. The victim lives in the past, and the survivor lives in the present. The victim believes they are powerless, and the survivor regains control of their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is more powerful in the long run.

Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, you will start to feel better about life and you will attract other people for the right reasons. Listening to a survivor is much more refreshing and inspiring than listening to a victim cringe in self-pity.

3. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself
   In other words, beware of becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be kind to yourself and practice self-love.

Explore your core wounds and core beliefs that make up your victim identity, and replace self-hatred with self-compassion. If you are struggling to move beyond the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist. Try practices such as journaling, affirmations, natural language processing, cognitive behavioral therapy, and other forms of self-love.

4. Find out your false beliefs
   False beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. Many of these beliefs are housed in the shadow side of our psyche, and can only be explored through deep shadow work. You would probably be surprised at how many kinds of false beliefs you have unintentionally adopted!

5. Ask, “What thought is creating this suffering?”
   All suffering stems from unquestioned beliefs that are not examined in our minds. When we get hung up on these thoughts, we suffer. Remember, you don’t need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations in energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how fleeting your thoughts are.

6. Practice being thankful
   Gratitude is a simple yet powerful way to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you make it out to be. Every day, try to find ten things for which you are grateful. You may want to keep a gratitude journal writing down these 10 things, or simply mentally label them. Try to feel sincere gratitude for having these things.

Read Why The Narcissist Targets You: 5 Reasons

7. Affirmation of self-responsibility
   Start by noticing all the ways you avoid self-responsibility. Be ruthlessly honest and experience how gaining sympathy from others makes you feel special and continue the cycle of pointing the finger at others.

You may want to use an affirmation such as “I am in charge of my life” or “I am empowered to make change” to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim. You might also want to do something that builds your confidence and shows you that you’re capable…or reflect on something in the past that you’ve successfully overcome.

8. Doing an act of kindness for another
   When we play the victim, we tend to focus only on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for someone else you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to break free from addiction and self-harm.

How to deal with the complex of victims when others

We’ve all met those people who are constantly in the dark and complain about their lives. These people seem to hold the belief that the world is against them and almost seem to enjoy feeling miserable. In the field of psychology, these people are referred to as individuals with a victim complex; A type of neurosis that is about getting pity from others.

Read : How to Spot Someone Playing The Victim? 6 Signs

What is the casualty complex?

The victim complex is a mindset that develops through life and is primarily triggered by childhood conditioning. People with a victim complex always see themselves as victims of other people or circumstances. This distorted self-perception leads to a desire to earn affection and attention from others while avoiding self-responsibility and blame at the same time.

What is the difference between a victim mentality and a victim complex?

They both look very similar…so what’s the actual difference? While the two can (and do) overlap, victim mentality is a common problem. Most people suffer from a victim mentality at one point or another during life.

On the other hand, a victim complex is a cunning and deeply rooted behavioral pattern that defines a person’s entire outlook on life. Unlike the victim mentality (which generally tends to be short-lived), the victim complex can define a person’s life for years, even an entire lifetime.

In other words, the victim complex is far more dangerous and pathological than the victim mentality.

14 Signs of a victim complex

People with a victim complex will exhibit a large percentage of the following symptoms:

They will put themselves down
They will blame others or situations for making them feel miserable
They will refuse to analyze themselves to feel better about life
They have a “life against me” philosophy.
They feel powerless or powerless to change their circumstances
They believe that others are deliberately trying to harm them
They enjoy sharing their tragic stories with others
Even when things are going well, they still find something to complain about
They think the world is a bad and most dangerous place
They get upset and react when constructive criticism is directed at them
They think everyone is “better” than they are
They tend to blame, attack and accuse those they love for how they feel
They see their problems as disasters and outweigh them in proportion
They do not take responsibility for their happiness
I understand how frustrating it can be to live with, work with, or just be around the alleged victim. I’ve dealt with my fair share of those who struggle with victim complexes, but the important thing to remember here is that these people suffer as a result of their mindset.

These people believe that they are powerless and are at the mercy of others and their whole life. This learned helplessness was not developed as a way to manipulate you (although it could be used in this way), it was developed as a result of early life abuse.

It is therefore important that we show empathy for the people in our lives who suffer from victim complexes, without of course enabling their distorted self-perception.

How to deal with self-proclaimed victims

The question now is how can you deal with the victims without harming them.

Dealing with those with a victim complex can be difficult, especially since confrontation only reinforces their feelings of persecution. Here are some tips that may help you:

1. Don’t get carried away with their feelings
   Remember, victims subconsciously seek attention and validation. However, when you give them what they want, you will become emotionally involved with them, which is bad for both you and them.

Try to be a passive listener, without actively inserting yourself into his pity party. Remember, they will look to you for sympathy as a way to enhance their victim mentality but don’t give it to them. Simply keep your neutrality, unless you decide to practice point 3 (below).

2. Make it their problem
   A victim complex sufferer will always find a way to shift the blame and responsibility onto someone else as a way to bypass self-responsibility. They will also try to get you to agree with them to reinforce their sense of being “right”. Instead of agreeing, express how confident you are in your ability to handle the situation as a mature adult.
3. agree
   This practice uses a little reverse psychology: go along with their resistance completely until you blow the issue completely out of proportion. So if the victim is saying how horrible their life is right now, agree with them: life is horrible and horrible for them. This tactic can cause the victim to change their tune, saying, “Well, I guess life isn’t that bad…”

Read : “Of Course Method”: A Defensive Technique that Neutralizes Narcissistic Abuse

4. Don’t give advice
   The truth is that the victims do not want to solve their problems, because that would undermine their sense of being victims! So giving them advice is tantamount to talking to a wall: you’re wasting your breath. When victims seek “advice and counseling” what they really want is proof that you care. This is the sad thing about the victims: they confuse pity with love.

Try these tips and you will find that the victim either begins to take responsibility for their own life or looks for sympathy elsewhere. Either way, you don’t have to be the “victim” of the victim anymore.

Finally, don’t forget that a victim complex is a form of mental illness. Keep your heart open and compassionate, but don’t be a catalyst.

The victim mentality and victim complex are truly insidious and destructive forms of behavior – they pollute friendships, destroy relationships, and destroy your self-esteem. But by applying the tips in this article, we hope that you will feel inspired and empowered rather than falling victim to what happens to you.