This post discusses some of the common signs of narcissistic parents such as behaviors, traits, and characteristics. It also covers how narcissistic parents differ from narcissists who are not parents.

When I first learned about narcissistic abuse, I thought it was helpful. Every label about narcissistic moms and dads I came across labeled my mother a T. It was hard to confront and accept her. But the more I read about the signs and other people’s experiences, the more validated I feel.

Learning the signs of narcissistic fathers helped me begin to notice and accept the signs of narcissism within my mother. It helped me understand the purpose of her behavior. It finally helped me realize that the way you treated me wasn’t my fault. I still find it hard to accept at times, but this is what narcissistic abuse does to you.

We hope the signs of narcissistic parents in this post helped you find out if you have a narcissistic parent.

With narcissistic abuse, you can feel disoriented and unsettled. Victims often question their own experiences, questioning their own reality and the validity of their feelings. But learning the signs can help validate your experiences and help you see that the abuse is not your fault.

What is narcissism and narcissistic abuse?

In simple terms, narcissism is excessive self-involvement. So a narcissist is usually a self-absorbed person. And some narcissists’ coping and defense mechanisms to maintain their false sense of superiority may be toxic or offensive, hence the term “narcissistic abuse.”

Narcissistic abuse typically consists of a specific pattern of manipulative and controlling behavior that involves verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. Typically, narcissistic abuse causes victims to question and question their experiences and reality. It often leaves them thinking or guessing themselves.

However, it is important to note that abuse and narcissism are not necessarily linked. Not all narcissists are abusers and not all abusers are narcissists, although there can be tendencies to both.

Almost everyone sometimes engages in narcissistic behavior or has narcissistic tendencies. So it is important to realize that narcissism falls within a certain range. Just a little bit of behavior does not make a person a narcissist.

*Please note that I do not diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and neither should you. The terms narcissistic and narcissistic used in this post and this blog do not equate to a disorder. Narcissists and narcissism as a concept existed before the disorder. If you want to know more about a proper diagnosis, please consult a professional.

How are narcissistic parents different?
Narcissists—whether parents or not—usually display manipulative, abusive, controlling, and invalidating behaviors toward people close to them due to their lack of empathy, self-obsession, and exploitative nature.

However, the dynamic of the parent-child relationship may bring out new traits and behaviors within the narcissistic person. The way they treat their children may be different from the way they treat a partner, friend, or co-worker.

An article in Psychology Today defines a narcissistic parent as “someone who lives, owns, and/or engages in marginalized competition with their child.”

Narcissists usually view their children’s independence as a threat, even as adults. They do not love the child the way they are and tend to force the child to live in their shadow.

Being a child, means that it is easier for the narcissistic parent to shape and mold the child into whomever they desire. This means having complete power and control over them.

Although the narcissist seeks to control their victims in all kinds of relationships, it is a little different with their children.

Children are born in a vulnerable position with no one to turn to but their parents for guidance, affection and care. This makes them the best target for control, manipulation, and the exercise of power. The child has no choice but to comply.

22 Signs of narcissistic parents

They care a lot about how they appear to others

Narcissists are very superficial and care a lot about appearance and reputation. They need and often seek praise, admiration, and constant and excessive validation from others. They are obsessed with how others see them.

Abusive or neglectful narcissistic parents would make the perfect parent if there were witnesses around. They will be gentle, loving, caring and considerate.

However, once he is alone or alone with you, he can be cold, dismissive, mean, or outright offensive. It just goes to show that their “kindness” is a facade they put up in public.

It is very competitive

Narcissists often feel jealous or competitive with others, especially with their children.

If you’ve accomplished something or done a good job at it, the narcissistic parent will find a way to take all the credit or the spotlight. They will claim that you are able to excel because of their good genes or good parenting. Or they may claim or prove that they can do it better.

Narcissists are also competitive when it comes to crying stories. If you complain about a struggle you’re going through, they’ll top it off with something worse to deal with. It’s as if you can never have the last word.

They will always be better or worse than you. In this way, they divert attention away from you and onto themselves instead. It always seems like a competition with your parents, even when you weren’t engaged.

They only “like” you when it benefits them

If your parent is a narcissist, most of the time you may struggle to feel any kind of affection for them. But sometimes, they may shower you with affection and compliments. Their unpredictability can leave you confused, always wondering if you did something wrong.

The most likely explanation for their hot and cold attitude towards you is that they only show love when they get something from it.

As mentioned before, they may appear loving when others are there to witness it. Or perhaps affection will be your reward for obeying all their commandments and fulfilling all their desires.

Narcissists are unable to actually put another person’s needs before their own. Therefore, any “love” they show is conditional. It is only there when there is something in it because eventually they come first.

They put their needs and wants first

The narcissist’s needs and desires are always the priority. Even their smallest whims must be triggered by your basic needs.

If something negative happens to you, they are just worried about how it will affect them.

For example, if you are sick, they will worry about how you will make them sick or how much of a burden it will be to take care of you. However, when they are the ones feeling bad or struggling with something, you are expected to drop everything and give them your undivided attention.

They must be right

Another common sign of a narcissist is that they can never be wrong. If you end up in any kind of argument or argument with them, nothing you do can get them to admit they are wrong.

Narcissists are constantly unwilling to see their own shortcomings. They will do everything they can to avoid accountability. They are very defensive and sensitive to the slightest criticism or even neutral comments that they see as an attack.

Anything that contradicts their point of view or breaks the facade of perfection may lead to yelling, yelling, and insults for your worth. You will likely feel that you always have to agree with them just to keep the peace. But even this may not be enough.

They don’t seem to care about your feelings

Because narcissists are so self-absorbed, they lack empathy and compassion. They have trouble understanding other people’s feelings and needs because their own feelings, needs, and desires are so important that other people simply don’t matter.

They tend to believe that they are better or more important than others, and that only their interests and opinions matter. Therefore, if you try to discuss your feelings or experiences with them, they may make fun of you or get ahead of you with their feelings. Or he may completely reject or ignore you as if you were nobody.

Make you feel bad about yourself

Narcissists can be very critical and judgmental. This is their way of feeling superior.

With narcissistic parents, they may constantly berate, criticize, and insult you just to tear you down and make you feel less than that. It’s like they say things on purpose just to make you feel bad about who you are, what you do, and how you act. And no matter how much you try to please them or how much you accomplish, they always seem to have something to insult.

Many narcissistic parents shame their children. This is their way of dealing with their insecure self-worth. Also, when you’re feeling vulnerable, it’s easier to manipulate.

They don’t treat you like your own person

Another sign of narcissistic parents is that they tend to treat their children as an extension of them. It seems that you are not allowed to be a person or have an identity of your own.

They criticize any interests, opinions, and hobbies of yours that don’t align with what they want. They may control what you eat, how you dress, and what hobbies you are allowed to pursue.

The narcissistic parent will often make your decisions for you as if you were incapable of doing it yourself. In this way, you will increase your dependence on them, making it easier for them to control you.

Even as an adult, they may control what you study in school, what field you want to go into, what job you take, and who you are allowed to befriend, date, and marry.

They make you feel guilty for what they do for you

The narcissistic parent may constantly mention or point out how hard it is to be a parent and how much they sacrifice for you.

They may do this in subtle ways such as “I’ve always wanted to travel the world. That is until I got pregnant” or “You have no idea what it costs to raise children.” Or they might do it in a direct way like, “I’ve done so much for you. It’s so hard being your parent.”

And a lot of times when they discount these repercussions and statements, they find a way to make you feel worse like, “I gave up so much on you and this is how you repay me?” or “How can you disrespect your mother like that, after all she’s done for you?”

They accuse you of things for what they really are

The narcissist may make accusations about you seemingly out of nowhere. When these things really describe themselves. This is projection – the accusation or suggestion that you are the one with their issues.

They may call you names or insult you about seemingly random and gratuitous things like how selfish, delusional, psychopathic, or narcissistic you are.

They may even accuse you of lying, keeping secrets, or even insulting them when you did nothing to justify this type of attack. In fact, these charges are the same things they show or experience.

They make you doubt yourself and your experiences

When you confront your father about something that happened, they might respond with, “It didn’t happen,” or, “You must have imagined that.” This is gassed.

Gaslighting is narcissists’ way of protecting their fragile egos. They find a way to rewrite reality, implying or telling you that what you experienced was not real. They may even directly describe you as delusional, hysterical, irrational, or insane.

Narcissistic parents may also cause you to question or doubt your feelings and other experiences, even when it doesn’t involve them.

For example, if you’re in pain and want to go to the doctor, they might ask, “Are you sure you’re in pain?”. Or if something traumatic happens to you and you’re emotional, they might say, “Why are you overreacting?”

They are manipulating you or using you for their benefit

One of the signs of narcissists is that they are exploiters and take advantage of others for their ends.

A narcissistic parent can treat you like a slave without any consideration or appreciation for how you feel or the things you do for them. All they care about is that they get what they want.

However, when they only do the smallest thing for you, they will bring it up over and over again until you remember that you owe them. And they will keep looming over your head to convince you to do whatever they want.

If you disobey or disagree with something they do or say, they will just mention that they once did you a favor or how they sacrificed so much raising you, so the least you can do is make them happy.

They don’t take responsibility and don’t apologize

No matter what they did, narcissists will never sincerely apologize. They will deny, turn away, and lie to avoid accountability. Or they may laugh it off as a big joke.

However, if they are caught in the act or have no choice but to apologize, they will offer an insult or an insincere apology such as, “If I did, it was a mistake” or “I think I may have done something.” Or they may dismiss their apology with rationalizations or self-pity, such as “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry my child feels like he should make me feel bad.”

They may even apologize as a way of insulting you further. “I’m sorry I made you feel so fat and stupid” or “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.”

They control all aspects of your life

Narcissists like to maintain control in any way they can. If there is anything outside of them that might threaten their control over your life, they seek to destroy it.

Your narcissistic parent may control your relationships, finances, education, career, and family, even as an adult. They try to manage every aspect of your life if they can so that you can remain dependent on them.

You may have been banned from dating, driving, or getting a job. They may even try to destroy your relationships and isolate you by distancing you from friends, families, and romantic partners. And if you have your own family, they may even try to control your children, claiming that they are their grandchildren.

They find ways to hurt you without making you look like the bad guy
Narcissistic parents have a way of masking their abuse behind loving, nurturing behavior. Because again, they care a lot about how they appear to others.

They can find ways to hurt you while also making it seem like they care about you. They clothe their abuse in words of concern or helpful advice.

Narcissists can hide their insults in-jokes, concerns, or questions. So you’ll know when you’re being offended, but someone else who doesn’t know the context won’t.

That way, when you react to their teasing words, you’ll look crazy while your dad stays innocent and loving. Others will judge and question your supposed overreaction. “Your mother simply asked you a question” or “Your father was just worried about you.”

They demand obedience and have unreasonable expectations
Narcissists have a heightened sense of entitlement and often expect special treatment. They can be very demanding with impossible standards and unreasonable expectations.

As a child, they look to you to fulfill their every whim and need. Even when you can meet all of their unreasonable demands, they come up with more. Or they will claim you didn’t do it well enough so you have to do it again. It’s as if they are deliberately messing with you.

The narcissistic parent will also demand your complete obedience “because I am your father” or “because I said so.” And no matter how often you obey or agree with them, one small thing that they consider an act of disobedience on your part will result in the verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse they call “discipline.”

They are constantly violating your boundaries

If your parents were narcissistic, chances are your boundaries will be constantly violated. Or you may not have anything, to begin with.

You may not know what it’s like to have personal space or privacy. They may listen in on your phone calls, snoop into your computer, or throw away your belongings without your consent.

A narcissistic parent may intentionally go out of their way to violate your boundaries just to push your buttons or to see how far they can go.

They play obvious favorites with their kids

One of the defining signs of narcissistic parents is how they play favorites and pit their children against each other. If they have more than one child, they will establish golden child or scapegoat roles for each of them.

The golden child is the obvious favorite child who the narcissist will provide privileges and shower with love and affection as long as the child continues to obey. Whereas the scapegoat is always the one who is at fault.

A narcissistic parent will create division among their children with lies and unfair and favoring behavior.

They often compare the scapegoat to the golden child to make the scapegoat feel bad. It can be a stark comparison like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Or it could be as subtle as, “Your sister is so pretty,” implying that you’re not in the least as pretty as she is.

They blame you for things that are not your fault

If your father constantly blames you for things that are beyond your control, you are likely to be the scapegoat in the family. They will blame their actions on you, including their abuse. “You made me angry” or “You made me do it.”

When things are going well, the narcissist will take credit for it. But if they don’t, they will have none to blame but themselves. So when something bad happens, they have a way of making it your fault.

With narcissistic parents, their children are an easy target to blame because no one wants to think that a parent is going to intentionally hurt their child. And because the parent is the authority in this relationship, people tend to take their word for it, especially when they appear to be loving and caring.

They set you up for failure

The narcissist may do something on purpose to get a response from you. And when you react to anything hurtful or toxic they’ve done, they’ll insult or ridicule you for it. Like, “See? You’re always like this.”

They will do things on purpose to provoke you just so they can laugh and insult you for your reaction. They may intentionally go out of their way to sabotage any accomplishments or goals you have so they can rub in your face how you failed.

They give you their responsibilities

Because narcissists see their children as mere objects to serve them, they will entrust any of their responsibilities to you whenever they get the chance. They may often leave you to fend for yourself, to be your parent. You may even have to babysit your younger siblings or grandparents because your dad doesn’t want to do that.

Some narcissistic parents also expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives. Although there is nothing wrong with caring for aging parents, narcissistic parents will typically manipulate their children into doing so, with little regard for their children’s priorities and needs. “After all I’ve done for you, the least you can do is return the favor.”

They terrorize you or punish you if you disobey them

Narcissists will do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if it means harming others. This also applies to narcissistic parents.

If you disagree with them, oppose them, or even question them, they may make threats against you until you comply. Or they may punish you.

Punishment can range from emotional neglect to physical abuse. A narcissistic parent may give you the silent treatment, shame you, verbally abuse you, stop you from eating, or directly hit you for disobeying them.

Often, their punishments are extreme and unreasonable. What they see as a slight smirk from you may be as small as wanting to sleep in ten minutes so you can finish your homework. This makes you constantly walking on eggshells around them, always wanting to please them no matter what the consequences are to avoid.

Do you have a narcissistic parent?

It is important to realize how showing some signs does not necessarily mean you have a narcissistic parent. It could mean that a parent is neglectful or abusive. It may also mean that your father is imperfect with some issues.

What makes someone a narcissist is how much they care about maintaining their false sense of superiority. Anything that counters or refutes the fact that they are better than you makes them act differently.

Essentially, their actions are dictated by their drive to maintain the illusion that they are the best, even if it means hurting others. In a way, it’s like you’re just there to meet their needs.

So when your dad acts a certain way, ask yourself this: Are they doing it because they think they’re a good dad? Or do they do it because they want to feel superior and powerful?

Some parents who display abusive or neglectful behavior may believe that raising good children is normal or even preferable. While this is by no means acceptable, it does not mean that they are narcissistic. Narcissistic parents are usually self-serving.

how do you feel?

Do you often wonder if your father loves you?
Do you often doubt yourself and your experiences?
Do you often feel unloved, unworthy, and unacceptable?
Do you constantly walk on eggshells around your dad, worrying that you’ll do or say something wrong?
Do you lack a sense of identity?
Do you lack confidence in who you are and what you do?
Are you often anxious, afraid, depressed, confused, isolated, empty, or lost?
If you answered yes to all of the above questions, you are likely suffering from narcissistic abuse by your parents.