“Why can’t you do things right?!”
If this is a phrase you hear often, it can lower your self-esteem. Not only that, it can also be very frustrating. It takes a lot of maturity not to raise a white flag and say, “I quit!” Right in their faces.
It becomes even more difficult if it is someone very important to you like your father, your best friend, or your business partner.
If you struggle with blaming everything, here are 15 effective ways to deal with it.
- Take care of your sanity
1) Keep a cool head
This is a must if you are dealing with someone who has negative personality traits.
Although it may be tempting — and easy — to let your temper rise, it’s important to restrain yourself.
Related : 18 warning signs you’re dealing with a manipulator (and how to respond)
The last thing you want is to give them more ammo to shoot at you. Get out of your way, and they will find a way to use it to blame you. They might break a vase and then tell you, “You yelled at me, look what you made me do!”
This doesn’t mean you have to endure it in silence. If anything, by staying calm, you can learn how to handle your situation better.
2) Learn how to calm yourself
When you feel stressed, what things help you calm down or feel good about yourself?
Things like chewing candy, listening to smooth jazz, or rolling balls between your fingers, for example.
Give it some thought, and try to find a way to always have some sort of stress reliever on hand for those times when you feel like you might explode.
Even small distractions can help a lot when things get stressful because they give you a way to mentally escape your situation.
You may want to bring a small bag of candy with you, for example. Or make sure you always have a fidget toy in your bag. Try to treat the root of the problem or you will destroy your teeth! But in the meantime, this will do the trick.
3) Think happy thoughts
While thinking about the good may not solve anything, it can at least provide you with that relief from your suffering.
It can be helpful to make a list of things you’re grateful for and keep in your wallet when you’re feeling inadequate and sad about being blamed for everything.
Go ahead and list your accomplishments, your big dreams, the memories you love, and the things that make you proud of yourself.
When you hear them talk about how you’re the reason the apartment is always dirty, remind yourself that while that’s probably true, you have a wonderful life with a lot of good things to be thankful for.
4) Remind yourself that it is just a small part of your journey
Placing blame all the time can make us feel useless and unimportant like we will never be good enough.
If you’re dealing with a picky mentor or boss, you may feel like you’re always just one mistake away from ruining things forever.
If you’re dealing with a nagging, overly critical parent, you may feel like you’re simply good for nothing.
But this is not true.
These people who keep blaming you are just one of many you will meet on your journey through life.
They won’t matter as much ten or twenty years from now, so don’t care about them too much and just focus on becoming the best version of yourself instead.
Also keep in mind that even though it may not seem like it, you are now good enough. And with every day you live, you will continue to improve.
5) Consider it training
There is nothing you could want more than to escape from the people who keep blaming you. But sometimes you may not be able to. Maybe you’re still dependent on them, or maybe you simply don’t have the resources to start over somewhere else.
For now, it may be helpful to change your mindset instead, viewing the entire experience with them as an exercise in your patience, kindness, and love for yourself.
People say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This is not always true, because sometimes it is up to you whether you will allow something to build you up or tear you down.
To make it even more fun, you might want to imagine yourself as a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsey. Lots of lessons you can learn from that too.
Don’t focus on how to convert it. Instead, focus on how you can use this experience to improve yourself.
6) Don’t take it personally
It’s hard not to take comments and behaviors directed towards you, especially if they do this to you all the time, and even more so if they are someone important to you.
Whoever it is — whether it’s a lover, a colleague, or a group mate — don’t think that their hurtful words define you as a person.
They are likely bringing their problems to you. They are using you as a scapegoat not because of what you have done, but because of the things going on inside their minds.
They may have decided to put all the blame on you, for example, because they thought you were too cheerful. Maybe the reason they hated your cheer was because they were cheering too, and then they were ridiculed for it.
secondly. Do a little self-reflection
7) Ask yourself “Do they really always blame me or does it just seem like that?”
Look, you definitely shouldn’t gaslight yourself. However, it may help if you do some self-reflection. While it’s true that they blame you for things, there’s a possibility that they don’t do it as often as they feel.
To answer this question, you need to pay attention to the frequency of your interactions and whether most of them are negative.
The best way to do this is by keeping a diary. Write down your negative and positive interactions for the day for at least two weeks. If they blame you for everything every day, this is a toxic relationship that you need to get out of.
However, if you only notice three bad interactions out of twenty, either those three bad interactions were particularly severe… or it may be because you’re insecure and what they said triggered your insecurities.
You don’t take all the blame, of course, but it’s something you both need to work on.
8) Ask yourself “Am I too sensitive?”
It’s time to take a hard look at yourself, from the moment you were born to the present day.
Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? In general, do you get offended easily?
Do you think people are too careless with their words? There is of course no shame in being sensitive. Being a highly sensitive person has its gifts.
Asking these questions should not invalidate the fact that you are dealing with a toxic person. This will give you a better idea of how to deal with constant feelings of blame.
9) Ask yourself “Did I do something wrong?”
Maybe you’re not the sensitive type and you’re actually with someone manipulative and verbally abusive.
Related : When do ex girlfriends start to miss you? 21 big signs
So it’s important to ask yourself if you’ve done something wrong because it can erode your self-esteem if you allow them to verbally abuse you.
Think about the last three or four instances in which they blamed you for something. Replay it in your head and put it under a microscope.
Let’s say they blamed you for not getting up early because you were late for an event. Ask yourself if you have committed a crime and if it is a big crime. Let’s say it’s a wedding…then, of course, you did something wrong.
But let’s say they blame you because you’re lazy and that’s why you don’t earn enough when that’s not the case – you work 50 hours a week and are still looking for another job – then hey, you’re not doing anything wrong and they’re just being mean and whiny.
If you think you haven’t done anything wrong, don’t let their words get to you.
10) Ask yourself “Do they have a problem?”
After analyzing yourself, of course, you should analyze the person who keeps blaming you.
Do they have anger management problems? Do they have very high expectations? Are their parents strict? You probably know them well enough that it helps you understand what’s on their mind.
Next, ask yourself if they are going through something. Have they told you about a problem that worries them? Maybe they are just stressed, and that’s why they blame you for things.
Some people are not good at dealing with stressful situations, and if you think this is the case, try to be patient and help them healthily deal with stress.
Third. Try investigating
11) Pay attention to patterns
There is always a common pattern or thread behind abuse or negative behavior, and knowing exactly this pattern will help you deal with the problem itself.
For example, one of your colleagues may have a habit of blaming you when a deadline approaches, or he may do it in front of his superiors to make himself look better.
Another example is that the love of your life blames you for anything that goes wrong every time he lacks sleep.
When you discover the most likely triggers and scenarios when they start blaming you, you can see it coming early and prepare for it mentally and emotionally.
It can also give you clues about what you should ask them to change.
12) Pay attention to the way they deal with others
If they’re blaming others for everything too, it’s probably time to accept them as they are. This doesn’t mean you’ll let them blame you all the time, but you should manage your expectations.
They are what they are, especially if they are already big. Sure, they can still change but it will likely take some time.
However, if they are kind and patient with others yet blame you for everything, it may be a sign that they do not respect you or have deep-seated anger towards you.
13) Identify the things they usually blame you for
It may seem like they blame you for everything, but that’s probably not the case. No one would have that kind of energy even if they were the angriest person in the world.
But let’s say they blame you too much. It is time to list and classify them.
For example, if they blame you for waking up late, sleeping, not showing up on time, or not paying bills, you can see that there is a common pattern. All of these things are related to poor time management.
Another example is if they blame you for your company’s poor performance because you didn’t do your part well, and for not getting a client because your presentation was “bad”. After all, you drank until 3 in the morning. Both are linked to irresponsibility.
By identifying the root, you’ll know which ones you can work on. She may be negative, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely wrong. It’s always good to know what areas you need to work on.
Fourthly. Deal with it once and for all
14) If you are sure that you have not done anything wrong, defend yourself.
If they keep blaming you for things just because they can, stop it.
Some people just enjoy bullying and blaming others so they can feel superior. Show them that you don’t tolerate this anymore.
But if they’re more senior to you or you have a sensitive relationship — say it’s your boss or your spouse — you should use kind language. You also have to defend yourself in a very direct way, without frills or drama.
If they say “You’re the reason we’re late again!” because you woke up late. Tell them, “Yes, I woke up late again but I was waiting for you five minutes early.”
Of course, they will refute it, but make sure you don’t get emotional when you plead your case. Make it clear to them that you will not accept blame.
15) If you do something wrong, say sorry.
Those who blame others are often controlling people, and most of the time, the controlling person wants a proper apology so that both of you can move on.
It’s annoying but it can have a huge impact on how you treat each other.
Who knows, maybe they were hurting you all the time, and that’s why they were blaming you for everything.
Even if it’s as simple as not turning off the tap, you should just say sorry to release the emotional stress.
16) Try to improve
You might say, “But I’m not doing anything wrong,” and in this case, you are really with someone who is abusing you. Get out now before they suck your life out.
But in general, when we say that, and we are dealing with someone who is still sane, it is not entirely true. There may be some things you do that need improvement.
Make some changes and be sure to keep an eye on your milestones. You’ll need it the next time they blame you.
For example, if you were always late by 30 minutes, but you made changes and now you are only five minutes late every day, you are not perfect but you are improving. Tell them that next time they will blame you again.
17) Tell them how their behavior affects you
If you’ve been feeling this way for a long time already, it’s time to sit down and talk to them and tell them you’re not okay with it anymore.
It’s hard and your voice may be shaking, but it’s something you have to do for yourself and your relationship.
Sometimes, some people don’t realize how much influence they have on others, and that may be all it takes to reduce what they do.
Try to make sure you’re both comfortable (and even in a happy mood) when doing this. It could be just what you have to do.
18) Teach them how to treat you right
We know that changing habits takes time. They won’t become nice overnight even if they try, so be prepared to play the role of “mentor” and help them learn how to treat you properly.
Sure, you may have your flaws, and that may be the reason why they keep blaming you. But no one is perfect and the important thing is to try your best to improve.
You are both entitled to human dignity – not to be treated like trash. So think about how you want to be treated and let them know.
For example, if they have some complaints about you, at least tell them not to say it in front of your children or other people.
Or tell them that you would rather they tell you directly than have them roll their eyes and give you the cold shoulder when they think you’ve made a mistake again.
Fifth: Protect yourself before it is too late
19) Set boundaries
If it’s someone you can’t stay away from, the best thing you can do is set clear boundaries.
If you have a toxic boss, make sure he respects your work hours by not answering his calls when you’re not at work, for example when he decides to call you in the middle of the night.
If they’re your parents, you don’t have to stay at the dinner table until they’re done lecturing you about the things you’re not good at. You can nod respectfully and then excuse yourself.
If it’s your girlfriend or boyfriend, tell them not to call you at work just to complain about the way you wash the dishes.
You have to set very clear boundaries and they should allow you to remove yourself from toxic situations without holding them against you.
20) Find a good support system
It feels bad enough to take the blame for things that aren’t your fault, and it’s even worse when it happens all the time.
Go ahead and find people who can help you deal with this — someone you can trust to protect your secrets and offer understanding. It could be your best friend, your loving grandmother, or your therapist.
This is especially helpful if you can’t get away from the person who is blaming you.
Tell them how you feel, ask for their advice, and allow yourself to be soothed by their words and attentive ears.
It’s hard to deal with this alone. If you have done all the above things and your husband or wife has not changed yet, you should not feel guilty about talking about your problems with your best friend. You’re not spreading gossip here, but asking for help.
21) If all else fails, cut ties
Let’s say you’re a very patient person and have gotten much better at understanding their complaints about you…and yet, they treat you the same way or even worse. Well, it’s time to pack your bags and leave.
No relationship, job, or career is worth it if your mental health and self-esteem suffer every day until you collapse into an empty shell.
This is a fate worse than death. Trust me, there is a better way to live.
Think of it this way. If you are reading a book in the park and every five seconds a random child throws a pebble at you. You ask them to stop throwing stones at you, but they don’t listen.
Do you stay there and accept pebbles being thrown at you, or do you go somewhere else to read in peace?
LastWords
Being with someone who keeps blaming you for everything will lower your self-esteem, and the longer you stay with them the more damage you will do to yourself.
They make you doubt your worth and abilities, making you focus on your flaws while failing to acknowledge the things you are good at.
If you have done everything you can but they still treat you poorly, this may be a sign that you should be proactive in protecting yourself from them.
