Unhealthy family expectations can be difficult to deal with, and you may not even realize they exist in your life. If you’ve experienced any of the following, your parents or loved one may have very high expectations for you.
Signs of unhealthy parental expectations in childhood
- I was severely criticized
- You are not praised often
- When you were praised, it only led to more responsibility
- You were expected to take care of or discipline your younger siblings
- You had to take on roles like cooking or cleaning for the family, even if it wasn’t safe sometimes
- Your parents made you feel responsible for their feelings
- Your needs are not being met
- You never learned to set boundaries
Signs of unhealthy parental expectations in adulthood
- You don’t feel respected
- There is a severe lack of communication
- You feel in control
- Your parents make fun of your choices, goals, or dreams
- Your family knows how to push your buttons, and they do it consistently
- You are constantly being called names
- You were created to feel self-conscious
- Events and encounters are unpredictable
- They still have unrealistic expectations
- Consider your goals as “whims” or “stages.”
- There is emotional abuse, gaslighting, or inappropriate comments
- There is physical abuse
What causes unhealthy expectations in a family?
There are many reasons for unhealthy expectations. When unreasonable expectations are placed on your parents, it allows the behavior to flow across generations, which means breaking the habit is very difficult.
Perhaps this stems from unfulfilled goals your parents have, meaning they are trying to live vicariously through their children. In more serious cases, there may be substance abuse, enabling family members, or unfortunate life events that caused unresolved trauma.
Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all reason behind unhealthy expectations, which can make them more complicated to deal with.
How to deal with unhealthy family expectations
Family expectations are always present, but their intensity can vary, as can the reasons for their existence. In general, the best way to deal with unreasonable family expectations is direct confrontation.
This may include confronting a family member, or even taking some family therapy to get to the root cause of the problem. While this is the recommended path to completely resolving the problem, there are some coping mechanisms you can adopt to make life a little easier in the meantime.
- Decide what you want
When you’re used to hearing your parents’ expectations, it can be difficult to decide exactly what you want. Whether it’s a certain career path, a certain partner, or a certain level of success, hearing that all the time can make it feel like it’s your own purpose.
The first thing to do when dealing with unhealthy parental expectations is to stop listening to them. This doesn’t mean that you should ignore them, but it does mean that you should really think about what you feel is right for you, and decide what you want out of life.
- Choose what you want to share and what you want to keep private
When parents have particularly high expectations, they don’t necessarily need to hear everything that’s going on in your life. If you know they won’t agree, there’s no need to tell them.
You know what your parents will and won’t approve of, so it might be a good idea to keep some things private so arguments or disapproval don’t come into play. Although this may seem dishonest, it puts a lot of distance between you and your parents’ expectations so that you can figure out what you need and what you want to achieve.
- Make a plan
Planning interactions with family may seem a little strange at first, but it can make dealing with high expectations much easier. With a solid idea of what you want to talk about, and what you don’t want to talk about, you can feel more confident.
If your parents and family ask a lot of questions, practice answering them in a way that makes you feel comfortable, or practice telling them you don’t want to talk about it. Getting comfortable by thinking about those conversations will make them easier when they happen.
- Learn how to detach
One of the most important skills you can learn is how to detach from a situation that is toxic, or one that makes you uncomfortable.
Removing yourself from arguments or those circumstances in which arguments arise and striving to keep conversations light by avoiding emotional topics is the best way to keep interactions positive. If you can’t avoid those conversations, learn to walk away from a situation where things are clearly going south.
- Be comfortable with the word “no”
“No” is a strong word. It allows you to set boundaries and not have to compromise on important elements of your life. But be prepared. Saying no is not always easy, and your family may not accept it.
If your family has high expectations and is particularly stubborn about meeting them, they may try to convince you to change your mind, or feel guilty and make you feel like you have to meet their beliefs. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself. The fact that you don’t want to do something is enough to tell someone to back off.
- Accept that you can’t change them
Expectations are formed for various reasons, but they are very difficult to let go of. Parents with high expectations have difficulty letting go because it triggers feelings associated with disappointment and letdown. This is not your cross to bear.
Accept that those family expectations may never go away, and that you can’t change someone. Take your parent or loved one as they are and do your best to get through those difficult conversations.
- Plan gatherings when it suits everyone
When a parent or family member has high expectations, one of those expectations is that you have to work around them. This removes any power you have in the situation. Start setting limits on times and events that are important to you, and don’t feel like you have to miss them because of your family.
Give your family times and places that work for you and let them choose from the options you’ve decided on. Make your travel arrangements and be clear about what time you will be available and how long it will take. Taking back power in these simple ways could mean you don’t have to stay stuck when those high expectations rear their ugly heads.
- Consider cutting ties
Cutting ties is not easy and should be maintained in particularly toxic and destructive relationships. Sometimes high family or parental expectations can lead to other things, which can become harmful or mentally draining.
However, be aware of how difficult it can be. A parent who does not respect your boundaries will not accept being cut off from you, and may lie to you or manipulate you to maintain contact. It is your choice if you want to cut ties, but you should try to seek some help and support in order to do so.
We all have our family’s expectations that need to be considered, and they can lead us to great places if combined with help, care, and support. However, when a parent has impossible expectations or simply does not accept the person or career you wish to pursue, things can get difficult.
You have the right to decide your future, and when things get toxic, don’t be afraid to walk away for your own good. It might be the best thing to do.
