When you want something in a relationship, it’s a good idea to practice honesty. However, if your partner isn’t able to be direct, they may cross the line into behaviors like manipulation to get you to do what they want.
When someone you love romantically manipulates you, they essentially undermine the relationship through a series of manipulative tactics to control and influence your choices. At their worst, they can destabilize you to the point where you no longer recognize yourself.
What is Manipulation?
“Manipulation is the act of intentionally exerting psychological control over an individual for personal gain,” defines Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart. “Manipulation is inherently unfair, and while it’s often subtle and indirect, manipulation can also be very overt.”
Because of its ambiguity, manipulation can be a slippery concept that’s difficult to understand because it exists on a spectrum. On the other end, you’re likely to feel confused as your life is subtly rearranged to suit your partner’s preferences. At its most extreme, manipulation takes on a dark and insidious tone if it’s secretly pushing you toward a certain outcome. In the process, you may lose your sense of self, preventing you from recognizing your psychological confusion.
According to Manly, manipulation from your partner can take the form of unnecessary white lies, rude comments disguised as jokes, and general inconsistencies with what they say—as if they’re changing the facts in certain stories to make themselves look better and influence the way you view them. “It’s important to be aware of overt manipulation tactics that include shaming, blaming, and avoiding personal responsibility,” she says.
Stages of Manipulation
There are several common types or stages of manipulation that you need to know about. Raja explains what to look out for and how these behaviors can escalate:
Excessive displays of affection—things like love bombing, charisma, charm, flattery, and lavish gifts—to gain your trust and establish control and emotional dependence. Once you’ve gotten used to flattery, you’ll one day be toppled from your pedestal, making you vulnerable to doing whatever it takes to regain their favor. You may think you’re the problem and not notice the disrespect.
When you raise concerns about their behavior, they’re deceiving you, leaving you feeling uncertain about your true feelings. Let’s say your partner wanted to move in with you as a big deal. But when your lease is up and you start looking for apartments, they tell you they never agreed to take such a big step, make you feel bad, and manage the conversation in a way that makes you question your reality.
As the manipulation progresses, the manipulator may use subtle criticism, jealous suggestions, and other attempts at control to isolate you from your loved ones to exert control. This can eventually escalate into emotional blackmail, coercion, and even physical violence.
It’s important to note, Raja points out, that not all displays of love and affection are manipulative. Also, not all relationships involve manipulation, and not all manipulators follow these stages exactly. However, manipulation is a serious problem because your partner is controlling your actions and decisions without your consent. And when you feel like you can’t trust yourself, you won’t listen to your gut—which can lead you deeper into a toxic partnership.
Signs You’re Being Manipulated:
To quickly identify manipulative behavior, Manly recommends talking to a trusted friend or talking to a therapist to track potential patterns of manipulation. But above all, she suggests keeping a journal as soon as you realize something is wrong.
“Trust your gut when you feel like you’re being manipulated, and then write about the experience in a journal. Journaling is a great way to gain objectivity—especially when you can objectively evaluate the patterns you’ve written about in your journal over time,” she advises. “Within a week or two, you’ll likely discover patterns that help you objectively notice whether or not you’re amid manipulative strategies.”
Here are some signs of manipulation that are likely present in your relationship:
- You’re not your whole self with them.
“You feel like you’re walking on eggshells,” says clinical psychologist Anya Raja, Ph.D. “If you’re afraid of upsetting or angering your partner, and you’re constantly monitoring yourself around them, you may be dealing with a manipulative partner.”
- You feel the need to apologize for everything.
In this regard, Raja says that you may feel like you have to constantly apologize for your actions because you never know what might upset your partner. And if you take responsibility even when you’re not at fault, that could be a sign of a bigger problem. “If you notice the urge or pressure to constantly justify every big and small decision, it could be a sign that you’re being manipulated,” she says.
- You have very high expectations.
It’s natural to want your partner to show up for you the way you want them to. But if you’re in a relationship with elements of manipulation, the opposite will happen. Instead, Manly says, you may start to harbor doubts, wondering if your expectations are too high. A manipulative partner may make you feel like your needs are overwhelming and unrealistic, which can cause you to express your feelings less and ignore what you care about.
For example, maybe you want to celebrate your birthday on a special date, but your partner is too busy with work to accommodate your request. Instead of thinking about how to make your day special, they may reverse it by downplaying your feelings. The result is that you back off from the request and think you’re over-committing.
Their manipulative words might sound like this: “I can’t believe you’re stressing me out about your birthday when I have so much on my plate. If you loved me, you’d appreciate everything I already do for you and wouldn’t focus on such a trivial thing.”
- You’re losing your community.
Raja says if you’re feeling isolated from your friends and family because of your partner, it’s a sign that something is wrong. Your partner shouldn’t control who you see, when you see them, or actively try to keep you from spending time with people. In healthy relationships, they want to be part of your inner circle.
On the other hand, they may use your friends and family against you if they’re manipulative. They may charm your loved ones to get them on their side. If you try to resolve a conflict or leave them, they may convince your inner circle to give your partner another chance.
- Your value is at an all-time low.
When you’re being manipulated, there’s no room for what you want in a relationship. “You start to question whether you’re worthy and lovable; your self-esteem takes a hit,” says Manley. It’s all about your partner, their needs, their wants, and what they’re comfortable giving. After a while, it can feel like nothing matters—not even you.
As mentioned earlier, manipulating your worth can be more obvious. They may use your history, fears, and insecurities against you to bring you down and create a culture of codependency through emotional manipulation tactics like ignoring.
These common manipulative tactics come with phrases like, “You’re lucky I love you so much when you gained a few pounds. Don’t worry, I love you just the way you are.”
- The relationship has double standards.
“It feels like there are two sets of rules — one for you and one for the person you’re dating,” says Manly. From their perspective, they can do no wrong. If they do something that hurts your feelings, it’s for X reason, so you should give them some slack. But if you’re going through a tough time and can’t step in, they’ll make you feel guilty for doing it anyway.
When you say no, they’re not respecting your boundaries and are trying to convince you to change your mind. They demand that you pay attention to their wants and needs, but they’re constantly ignoring yours. When you bring up something they’ve done to hurt you in the past, they bring it back to you to avoid accountability.
- It’s all about them and their needs.
“Manipulative people tend to monopolize conversations — they’re rarely around you, and when they are, you feel like they’re either not listening or they somehow find a way to bring the conversation back to them,” Raja notes.
Manipulative behaviors aren’t just limited to romantic relationships; these traits can also show up in friendships. “Manipulative friends may always want to be in charge, want to control who else you spend time with, or make you feel dependent on them to meet your social needs,” Raja says. “Another sign of manipulation might be when a friend only reaches out to you when they need or want something from you. Otherwise, they’re just a cockroach.”
- The relationship is tilted in their favor.
It’s all about your partner and their comfort levels. If you ask for more than they want to give, they’ll resist and block any attempt at a constructive conversation. “You feel like you’re constantly making sacrifices or compromises to please the manipulator, but you’re not getting anything in return,” Raja explains. “The relationship feels one-sided, leaving you feeling drained and exhausted.”
For a one-sided relationship to occur, Raja says there may be manipulative behaviors such as belittling, guilt-tripping, victimization, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior — moves that make you feel unimportant and small and push you out of the relationship.
Common Phrases Manipulators Use:
Manipulative phrases tend to focus on eliciting a certain reaction from you, escaping responsibility, and making you feel bad for showing up for your needs in the relationship. Here are some examples:
It’s not my fault. You made me do this
You’re so sensitive
I don’t know why you put up with me, maybe you’re better off alone
Don’t exaggerate, that’s not what happened. That’s what happened…
I said I’m sorry, just forget it already. It’s all in the past
I don’t understand why you can’t let this go, you’re overreacting
If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do this
After everything I’ve done for you…
I’m sorry you feel this way
How to Overcome Manipulation.
If you think someone is manipulating you, it’s important to call others to their words, actions, and motivations in real-time so you can prevent further emotional abuse. When manipulation crosses the line, you may question yourself instead of recognizing the root of the problem—your partner.
“Overcoming manipulation requires a combination of self-awareness, awareness of others, and strong boundaries,” says Manley. “As you become more in touch with your responses to someone else’s manipulative dynamics, you can begin to create strong, healthy boundaries that put a stop to toxic patterns,” says Manley.
Manley lays out a possible scenario. Let’s say you’re being manipulated into paying for the bulk of your expenses, and you want to set healthy boundaries around finances. “You might say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that you don’t have money to cover dinner when we go out. I realize that I’m paying most of the expenses, and that doesn’t feel right to me. In the future, please make sure you have cash with you before we go out. Otherwise, I’ll plan to stay home. “
Raja agrees that practicing assertiveness is important to help you build an equal and respectful dynamic with your partner. This also has the positive benefit of developing a more positive self-image when you know how to say no and speak up in situations where you are being taken advantage of.
