Confident, charismatic, and extremely charming, few people can compete with a narcissist when it comes to making a great first impression.
Some can see through the mask and some cannot. The latter will learn the hard way.
More than just someone who likes to look in the mirror and talk about themselves, narcissists are master manipulators with a strong aim for objectification and an inability to empathize.
#Do I love a narcissist?
More than just someone who likes to look in the mirror and talk about themselves, narcissists are master manipulators with a strong aim for objectification and an inability to empathize.
Only a licensed and qualified mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder, but major warning signs of narcissistic behavior are chronic, manipulative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, hateful, cruel, and vindictive.
“Despite having superficially strong personalities, people with narcissistic personality disorder are very vulnerable,” says Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT.
She continues: “They suffer from profound alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and lack of meaning.” “Because of their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must vigilantly control their environment, the people around them, and their emotions. Displaying vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or sadness, are intolerable signs of weakness both in themselves and in others.”
For this reason, relationships with narcissistic people can be more than painful, they can be downright dangerous.
But more often than not, if you pay attention to their actions, you can pick up on the little things that will point you to the red flags warning you to be careful of yourself.
#20 Signs that you are in love with a narcissist
1. They are often very attractive.
Even if they’re not Johnny Depp great, their confidence, charm, and ability to “own a room” is a prime starting point.
Until you’re on your thirtieth conversation where you’re being controlled, condescending, and shocked by their arrogant peacocking.
2. They think kindness is a weakness.
Anyone who has found themselves pleading with a narcissist knows that the kinder you are, the nastier they become. These people feel entitled to be cruel, and will even go so far as to congratulate and boast about their ability to “exclude people,” be “cruel,” and humiliate others.
You may hear these types of phrases slowly at first, but because they are so “cool” in other fields at the time, you may write them off as being situation-specific, or think you’re misunderstanding them. It is only during the ignoring phase when their lack of empathy is at its most concentrated that you will understand how serious the problem is.
Victims will be treated in such a degrading, brutal way that many will feel like they caused it because people don’t usually respond that way to something so small.
3. They say you’re perfect…until you’re not.
Narcissists are masters of love bombing, which is “an attempt to influence someone by showing interest and affection.”
At the beginning of your relationship when you first start dating, they will text you constantly, want to see you as much as possible, and tell you all the things you want to hear: you’re perfect, you’re an “angel from heaven,” you’re super smart, etc.
They do this to make you dependent on them, while also testing your limits. Will you back down or will you go with him? Will she reciprocate and follow suit? This shows them how confident you are and how strong you are at drawing a line in the sand.
Once you discover your limits, devaluation will begin. Not only will you be told the opposite of their previous praise, but you will be punished for your shortcomings, which are often exaggerated and sometimes have non-existent expectations.
Punishment often includes rude statements intended to belittle, humiliate, humiliate, or hinder you (not allowing you to express yourself). They withhold affection and, of course, give you the notorious narcissistic misery, also known as the “silent treatment.”
They may even spread bad rumors about you behind your back.
4. They feel very jealous of others
Are you successful and happy? Good looking and confident? Do you have a lot of friends or are you a good cook? You’re done.
Remember the business card scene in the movie “American Psycho”? The narcissist I was with told me that he related to this scene as if the association with extreme selfishness was completely normal.
Narcissists also tend to be very jealous partners because they see you as merely an extension of themselves and a source of the narcissistic need for attention and control.
They are often threatened by any success or attention they receive for fear of losing access to a source of attention and control. They will then react with either anger or false interest.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the one they want; not like that. It’s your attention, good or bad. That’s it.
5. They are vulnerable to cheating
Will they give up caring to protect your feelings that they don’t understand, relate to, or care about? Guess how it goes…
Hell, a narcissistic partner might be doing it just to hurt you. To the narcissist in the relationship, the sexual partner does not matter, and since he does not matter, he should not be viewed as a threat to the relationship. All the while, knowing the damage it would do.
Related How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
6. They use sex as a weapon
They may watch porn, cheat, and believe they are God’s gift to the world, but because of their disdain for intimate connections, many narcissists would rather masturbate than have sex with another person. They have been known to make their partners abstain from sex as a way to frustrate, punish, and even humiliate them by choosing pornography instead of having sex with them — and telling them so.
According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, an admitted narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, all narcissists hate intimacy and use sex as a weapon. Somatic narcissists “masturbate with partners” while cerebral narcissists, males, in particular, despise women and view sex with them as a “chore.”
The brain only sometimes can prevent its source of supply (its partner) from leaving it.
7. They’re great at threesomes.
No, not that kind. Narcissists like to create “triangles” where their partners feel “at odds” with someone else, and jealousy and fighting for love and attention (ah, the show!) can ensue.
This could be with your ex, your mother, or your friend, but the goal is to make sure they are the center of attention and desire. This is known as triangulation and is meant to make you feel insecure, and unwanted, and keep you anxious and “on your toes”.
8. They are Einstein and you are an idiot.
Not really, of course, but narcissists believe they are the only people left on Earth who know anything, maintain any culture or development, or are capable of rational thought.
Whatever you think, they’ll challenge you and take five more steps to make sure you’re exhausted enough to give in just to shut them up.
9. It’s all about control.
Because of their need to feel powerful and special, narcissists tend not to get involved in situations they cannot control. They are in a constant search for narcissistic supply, which means that everyone they come into contact with is seen as an extension of themselves, and therefore under their control and used as a means to an end.
Narcissists often attract and build up people with big titles and those who display low self-esteem (the former provides access to supply, while the latter often offers an excess of it). Anyone the narcissist cannot compete with or control is immediately devalued.
10. They are angry a lot.
We’re not talking about a little tantrum here and there, but full-blown tantrums, as the saying goes, which often include extremely hurtful comments aimed at belittling and devaluing anyone they decide to criticize.
And make no mistake, anything can be taken as criticism, including telling you they hurt you. They think you’re sharing information to build a better relationship, while they think you’re deceiving them.
Yes, you read correctly. When you tell a narcissist that you are hurt or that you have a point of view, they will not condescend to you or agree with you (even if you are right).
Instead, they’ll assume you’re trying to set them up. They are, in fact, idealistic and superior, so the idea that they would do anything wrong, such as “hurt” another person, is incomprehensible to them.
They will also go off the rails if they are labeled a narcissist.
11. They lie about everything.
It could be something small about their favorite TV show as a child, or as big as a promise to be faithful, but narcissists aren’t big on telling the truth, mainly because it’s not interesting (they’re pretty boring people at heart).
They will pretend to be interested in whatever you want, to the point where you may find them repeating your words as their own to others.
12. They often have a strange laugh.
It’s something that only someone dealing with a narcissist can truly understand, but will almost laugh to themselves in quick, maniacal, awkward laughs. This usually happens when they tell some sort of exaggerated story and share how they were “above” someone in some way.
The narcissist I know burst out laughing when my friends and I were discussing another friend’s cancer diagnosis. When I looked at him in disbelief, he was filled with anger and said, “What? I was thinking of a Balderdash question!”
13. They are obsessed with their reputation.
The narcissist has many fantasies about love, power, adoration… and paranoia surrounding being found out.
This often results in them threatening their partners who have betrayed, hurt, or harmed them, or pretending to be sorry to ensure that no one knows who they are.
14. They don’t believe in boundaries.
The limits do not apply to them.
Want to get to know them before committing? Nonsense. They will pay to be exclusive. Tell them you’re afraid of heights and they’ll make you skydive. Explain that you don’t like smoking and she will light up in front of you.
Leave them alone in your apartment and every available secret will be discovered… and eventually used against you.
15. They have a cognitive inability to empathize.
Think about this for a moment. They can’t communicate, they can’t care, they can’t feel anything but the selfish desire for the narcissistic supply that can be provided by seeing you in pain.
Example: They cheat on you and when you cry, they accuse you of being “desperate for attention” and explain that your sensitivity was one of the reasons they stayed because she was so “needy.”
16. They are natural abusers.
They may or may not be physical (and if they are, walk away – the person who hits you once will hit you again), but the way narcissists relate to others and try to control them often falls under verbal, emotional, and mental guidelines. Emotional abuse.
They will belittle, belittle, condemn, devalue, withhold, blame, and ignore their partners without warning, and often.
17. They are legitimate.
One of the worst things about being with a narcissist is that he spews so much venom on you that you start to believe he’s up to something.
How could someone who professed his undying love and respect so deeply suddenly withdraw and attack you? You must have done something, right? mistake.
Deep down, narcissists deal with their pain and feelings of inferiority, and when they “lose it” they scream all their self-loathing at you.
18. They can be brutally honest.
There are times when a narcissist will say things like, “I will hurt you,” or “You should never come back to me,” and the partner will often come along and smother them with love, forgiveness, and all things delicious. The show they crave.
I’m not a doctor, but it seems to me that this kind of presentation is a miracle drug – it reinforces the fact that the narcissist is so special that he can treat his partner as badly as he wants, and tells him that he knows it. On it, and the partner will keep coming back.
19. They do not change.
Study after study indicates that there is no “cure” for narcissism. The narcissist may learn how to interact better, but he or she will need years of therapy. You will likely never get the connection you deserve if you stay in a long-term relationship with them.
No matter what they say, do, promise, or admit, you will always be cared for. If you haven’t heard from them, they’ve found it somewhere else. If the narcissist comes back, he or she has seen someone through their mask, and now they speak to you kindly as if you were a dealer with a new supply of attention to shower upon them.
Ultimately, their perspective is the only one that matters.
20. They relive your relationship with someone else.
When they come forward, nothing is sacred. They will replace you with titles, wedding venues, and vacation spots. They will do this not only because they have no conscience, but because they want you to feel bad. They get supplies from you and you feel bad about these things.
Don’t buy into the lie. They are the same person they have always been with a new victim, who, unfortunately, will go through all the things you went through until they realize who they are dealing with. The narcissist will absorb another person into his own dreary “Groundhog Day” existence.
