Key Points
When used correctly, two emotional intelligence tools can help you overcome a narcissist.
A narcissist hides his emotional flaws by manipulating you.
At first, you may be vulnerable to this manipulation.
Use the tools of emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, and emotional insight to disarm a narcissist.
Narcissists have unconscious defense mechanisms that work together to fend off any threat to their ego. They use deflection, projection, denial, distortion, and victimization to immediately shift blame outward, rather than looking inward. For example, Renee forgets her partner’s birthday, but instead of feeling deep remorse and responsibility for hurting her partner’s feelings, she puts herself in the position of the victim and says, “Well, you have no idea what I’m going through! Work is killing me, and my mom is sick! I’m under a lot of stress!” Renee doesn’t look in the mirror, admit her mistake, and try to repair the hurt she’s caused. Instead, she plays the victim. Now her partner, the actual victim, has to take care of Renee, and Renee’s mistake is overlooked.
The narcissist seeks to manipulate you because they cannot often reflect, take responsibility for themselves, gain insight, and then continually grow and develop in the relationship. They make the same selfish choices over and over again. To hide their emotional shortcomings, they may manipulate you into believing that things are your fault.
At first, you may be vulnerable to their manipulation because you are responsible, empathetic, and trusting. However, once you realize that they are being disingenuous and deceptive, you can use two emotional intelligence traits to protect yourself from being deceived and to outmaneuver the narcissist in your life.
First, your ability to regulate your emotions is crucial. The narcissist deceives you to upset you. When you get angry, the narcissist acts calm, collected, and innocent. They refuse to see how their actions and words are affecting you, which can also be infuriating. They then point out your angry reaction and label you as “unbalanced.” However, once you become aware of their manipulative tendencies, you can prepare yourself. Regulating your emotions and staying calm in the face of these experiences takes away the narcissist’s power. They want to make you angry. If you appear indifferent, they get angry. They may up the ante and try hard to make you explode, but if you use your emotional intelligence and regulate your emotions, they won’t get what they want. You’ve successfully maintained your power and “flipped the script.”
Unlike an emotionally intelligent person, a narcissist is highly defensive and forceful. When he doesn’t gain emotional control over you, he may become increasingly aggressive or passive-aggressive until he crosses the line. He may not rest until he has the power. This, of course, qualifies him as the “out of control” party. Catch this calmly when you can and slowly gather evidence of his egregious behavior. Identifying the subject of bullying is key.
Second, your quality of emotional intelligence and emotional insight can also help. Using your keen awareness of your own emotions can give you everything you need to know about the narcissist’s manipulations and how to outmaneuver them. For example, narcissists impose guilt to get you to do what they want. Your ability to instantly recognize what you’re feeling allows you to understand and understand the emotion. Examining what triggers the emotion can help you decipher what the narcissist is up to.
For example, when a narcissist plays the victim, they are trying to make you feel guilty for addressing an issue. You may immediately recognize their game when you recognize and identify your feelings of guilt. You might ask yourself, “Why do I feel guilty when I did nothing wrong, and I was the one who was hurt?” This moment of self-reflection is the step that will lead you to examine and debunk the underlying dynamic.
Renee’s partner recognizes the guilt she feels as Renee continues to play the victim. After further reflection, she realizes that the guilt is a product of Renee’s manipulation. Instead of “falling into the trap,” she tells Renee, “What I did was hurtful. It’s not okay to hurt the person you love and then justify it. I think I need some time.”
Unlike an emotionally intelligent person, a narcissist is so defensive that they can’t access deep, uncomfortable feelings. These are the feelings you may struggle with every day, to do the right thing, admit when you’re wrong, empathize with your loved ones, and better understand yourself and others. They are also the feelings that can lead you to enlightenment about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Once you realize that you have all the tools you need to overcome them, you may regain a great deal of peace and confidence.
