Relationship experts say that if you want to see how a girl will grow up, just look at her mom. But what if her mother is a narcissist and they have children together? What are the signs of a narcissistic grandmother, and how do her actions affect the family dynamic? Can you mitigate the damage you’re doing to her?
First, let’s look at the signs that your grandmother is a narcissist.
19 Signs of a narcissistic grandmother
You like to control your family
One telltale sign of narcissistic novelty is control. She will be the one dictating where your children go to school, who they are allowed to play with, what clothes they wear, and what clubs they go to after school. You will be the dominant voice in your family.
She’s a pathological liar
It may have taken a while, but you realize that you can’t believe a word you say. She uses lies to control you and your children. If you confront her, she will twist the truth even if she is clearly lying. She might even accuse you of being a liar.
This is a technique that narcissists use to put a spotlight on their victims.
She has no limits
A grandmother with narcissistic traits will feel entitled to come to your house whenever she pleases. She will likely have a key or if she doesn’t, she will come in through the back door and usher herself into your day. It doesn’t matter if you are busy or just want some private time.
You will also discuss your own family affairs with your chosen one, and then wonder why you get so upset.
She has a favorite son/daughter/grandson
Narcissistic grandmothers tend to have a favorite within the family. It’s usually a grandchild and she’ll dote on them, praising them whenever she can while ignoring any of her other grandchildren. It will be a family joke that she knows she has a favourite, but she will deny it. She may also have a scapegoat child; who you always underestimate or blame.
She wants to be a favorite grandparents
By the time you become a Grandparent, you should know all about sacrifice and putting others before your own needs. Not the narcissistic grandmother.
Since everything has to revolve around her, she’ll want to be treated differently. She is the most important person in the family, and in her eyes it is she who deserves special attention and treatment, and not the children.
But she says inappropriate things to your children
Sometimes you wonder if your grandmother was the child. You say childish, critical, and hurtful things to your kids like,
“Grandma won’t visit anymore if you wear those awful clothes,” or
“You are overweight, do you eat junk food?” or
“Don’t listen to your mother, she was a bitch your age.”
You find that you are constantly watching what you say.
Appearances are everything
Narcissists covet their outward appearance, so much so that any attempt to lift the mask can lead to violence and aggression.
So one sign of a narcissistic grandmother is paying attention to the details of how strangers view the family. You’ll want everything to look perfect so you can show you off. It doesn’t matter if things are falling apart behind the scenes.
There is always drama when you are around
Raising children is hard, but it’s even more so when Grandma is around. She always brings some kind of drama with her so that the focus is on her, not anyone else. This is the kind of attention-seeking behavior that she’s so eager to make everything revolve around her.
I remember a friend of mine telling me a story about a grandmother who went out on a family walk on Christmas Day because she didn’t get a gift from one of her grandchildren.
You will not respect your parenting rules
A sign of a narcissistic grandmother is that she will intentionally violate your parenting rules. This is a controlling technique that undermines your self-confidence and puts you in charge. She will denigrate your efforts, telling you that she has raised children and does not need your “advice” when it comes to raising her grandchildren.
She curses you behind your back
We expect our family members to support and support us. We don’t expect them to gossip or spread rumors to others. This is a sign of a narcissistic grandmother. She will ask you to raise her status and importance.
Everything is superficial and shallow
Take one look at her social media and it’s filled with adorable pictures of her and her grandkids. To the outside world, she appears to be the perfect grandmother. But ask her for help in the real world and she’s not interested. She just wants a facade of perfection, not a family graft.
Your children have nothing to do with it
Instead of looking to the narcissistic grandmother for signs, examine your children’s behavior.
How do they act when you are around? Do they rush to hug her when she arrives, or do you have to convince them to meet her? Are they silent in her presence or hesitate to talk to her? No clear bond is a clear sign that your grandmother is a narcissist.
Guilt is used as a weapon
A narcissistic grandmother wants everything to be on her terms. In real life, this is not possible. When you don’t get her way, she will use guilt to control your actions. This is just one of your manipulation tactics to lower your self-esteem so you can get what you need from the situation.
Her reflexes are over the top
Do you feel like you’ve been walking on eggshells forever, afraid of how your grandmother will react? Does the thought of changing the plan or canceling the visit make you dread? Overreactions such as cutting you off from all friction or crying guilt are typical signs that your grandmother is a narcissist.
She’s just a grandmother when it suits her
You cannot count on the narcissistic grandmother because her relationship with your children exists only to benefit them. So when it comes to bragging about your kids’ accomplishments, you can bet they’ll be there. But need it in an emergency, and it’s busy. This is one of the big signs of a narcissistic grandmother.
She takes care of your children
Grooming is a form of manipulation used by abusers to gain the trust of their victims. Grooming includes sharing secrets, buying expensive gifts, and giving them your undivided attention. Once the child is nurtured, it can be manipulated to suit the narcissistic grandmother.
For example, a child will side with his grandmother in conflicts, keep secrets from you, or disrespect your authority.
It neglects the well-being of your children
Don’t expect her to focus attention on your children’s needs. Her focus is entirely on herself. If you ask her to babysit or babysit your kids, be prepared for accidents because she doesn’t care. Or inappropriate parenting like letting the kids stay up late because it suits her.
But she never takes responsibility for her actions
Stop blaming your parents
In addition to neglecting your child’s well-being, if something goes wrong, you won’t be blamed or responsible for it. And you can bet that she will never apologize for her neglect. It would be your fault to ask her to step in and take care of your kids in the first place.
She vie for your attention
What kind of adult sees grandchildren as competitors? But a narcissistic grandmother will show signs of annoyance and boredom if she is not the focus of your family’s attention. Somehow you will always bring attention back to her. For example, if your children did well in school, you would list how they were topping the class in their year.
Now that you know the signs of a narcissistic grandmother, what can you do to lessen her harmful influence?
Ways to deal with the narcissistic novelty
Talk to your children about narcissism.
Let your children know that grandmother’s behavior is not normal and explain how narcissism works.
Set clear boundaries and rules
Let grandma know that there are rules to follow and she should respect your boundaries.
Ignore dramatic scenes
Narcissists need an audience to get the most out of their self-esteem. Treat your grandmother as you would a toddler having a tantrum.
Don’t force your kids to spend time with her
Kids are good judges of character, so if they feel uncomfortable around Grandma, allow them to distance themselves.
If all else fails – disconnect
There is no rule in life that says who or how much time you should spend with any family member. If it’s not good for your family, stay away from it.
