Manipulation can be more subtle than you think.
And unfortunately, it’s incredibly common.
One survey found that nearly half of us have dealt with psychological aggression in a relationship.
That’s why it’s really important to pay attention to the warning signs.
What are the red flags of manipulation? And how should you deal with them?
Let’s take a look…
1) Love Bombing
Manipulation isn’t always bad, and sometimes it’s incredibly charming.
As clinical psychologist and author Alexander Bergmeister points out:
“Some common traits of love bombing include offering excessive amounts of attention, admiration, and affection. The goal is to make the recipient feel dependent on and committed to the individual.”
2) Pushiness
Basically, pushiness doesn’t mean respecting someone’s boundaries.
For example, instead of accepting your rejection as a rejection, they won’t let it.
They keep trying to convince you to change your mind. They’re constantly trying to wear you down to achieve their goals.
3) Not Giving You Time or Space to Think
Putting you under time pressure to make a decision can be another form of controlling behavior.
For example, setting unreasonable deadlines or putting you in an awkward position with ultimatums.
4) Mismatching Actions and Words
As I said in the introduction, some manipulation can be subtle.
It can take a while to spot. But one early sign of manipulation in a relationship is when their words and actions don’t match up.
They make promises that they don’t keep. They tell you they’ll do something, but they fail to do it.
5) Feeling Guilt
Do you always end up feeling guilty or ashamed when you spend time with this person?
If you get a weird feeling in your gut, it could be a sign that something is up for you.
Feeling guilty and making someone record “what you owe them” is manipulation.
6) Psychological Manipulation
As Psychology Today explains:
“Victims of psychological manipulation are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, perception, and even their sanity.”
No matter what happens, they manage to twist things around so that they are blameless.
They may try to convince you that you are acting “crazy” or paranoid.
Even when it seems obvious that they are wrong, they convince you that it is you who is wrong.
7) Controlling Behavior
They try to make decisions about your life.
This may be who you see, what you wear, where you go, how you spend your money, and what you do.
This is extreme manipulation known as coercive control, and it is illegal in many places around the world.
8) Emotional Blackmail
“If you really loved me, you would.”
Emotional blackmail uses your own feelings to influence and control you.
You may not always notice this, because it can be so subtle.
For example, as psychotherapist Erica Myers highlights:
“It can look like withholding emotion, disappointment, or even a slight shift in body language.”
9) Isolating You From Others
The more isolated we become, the more vulnerable we become.
This may be what the manipulator wants. That way you’re relying on them to meet more of your emotional needs.
If they want you “for themselves,” consider whether they’re cutting you off from family, friends, and other support networks.
10) Passive Aggression
While anger and yelling are easily seen as abusive, this can go unnoticed.
Passive aggression is when you express negative feelings indirectly rather than openly addressing them.
For example, it could be through sarcastic comments or withholding your affection as punishment.
Or it could be through this next sign of manipulation on our list…
11) Nagging and Giving You the Silent Treatment
Technically, the silent treatment is a form of passive aggression.
However, it’s a very common manipulation technique that deserves its own mention.
It’s about withholding attention as a means of making you feel bad.
It’s manipulation because its true purpose is to inflict pain and punishment.
12) Projecting Their Bad Behavior onto You
This classic example can be summed up as:
A cheating partner who accuses you of cheating.
In order to divert attention from their mistakes, they project their own flaws and shortcomings onto you.
13) Spreading Rumors Behind Your Back
Gossiping and talking bad about people can be a way to control them.
Especially if it makes you feel so bad that you end up going back to the straight and narrow instead of standing up to someone.
14) Playing the Martyr
They volunteer to help, but they will never let you forget it!
The act of self-sacrifice can be used to try to get you.
Even though the act of service seems like it is given for free, it is later used to try to make you feel bad or that you owe them in some way.
15) Insults, indirect compliments, and cruel “jokes”
- Degrading nicknames
- Making unkind comments
- Saying rude things and insisting it was just a “joke”
Words can be incredibly hurtful.
That’s why they can be so easily used to manipulate and take away your self-esteem.
16) They’re Always the Victim
You know what they say:
There are two sides to every story.
That’s why if someone can always play the victim, no matter what, they may be manipulating you.
Instead of taking responsibility, they always shift the blame onto you.
You feel like you’re the one who always has to apologize, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
17) They Know How to Pressure You
…and they don’t hesitate to do it.
They may use your biggest weaknesses against you. It’s as if they’re deliberately trying to provoke you.
They exploit your biggest fears or perceived flaws to stay in control.
18) Recruiting Other People to Increase the Pressure on You
Manipulators may not do all the dirty work themselves.
They may have other people try to pressure and persuade you, too.
You may feel like you’re stuck until you agree and go along with things.
How to Deal with Manipulative People
Point It Out
Here’s the thing:
Manipulation is always wrong.
However, the real truth is that many of us are probably guilty of some minor manipulation from time to time.
Sometimes it happens without us being fully aware of it. People can learn some unhealthy emotional habits.
For example, if your girlfriend or boyfriend is mad at you and gives you the silent treatment after an argument.
Or if your friend’s insistence on trying to get you to go out on a Friday night when you don’t want to is starting to get annoying.
The first course of action when you encounter behavior that could be manipulative is to talk about it.
Calmly point out some behavior that doesn’t seem right, and tell someone why it doesn’t feel right.
Hopefully, they’ll see the error of their ways. If they don’t, you’ll need to step up your boundaries.
Assert your boundaries
How can you put a manipulative person in their place?
Don’t give in to the temptation to get sucked into more games. Never try to manipulate a manipulator to get the better of them.
Because, ultimately, doesn’t that make us just as bad as them?
Boundaries are how we rise above them. Our boundaries are like our own armor.
With enough firm boundaries, it’s harder to fall into the trap of manipulation.
This is because you know where to draw the line, and you don’t allow others to cross it.
It’s a really helpful exercise for everyone to clarify their boundaries.
Write them down.
See them as your club rules.
- What is acceptable and unacceptable behavior?
- How do you expect people to behave if they want to be in your life?
- What are the consequences when someone crosses your boundaries?
If someone can’t stick to your rules, they can’t join your club.
Be clear about how you feel
When you’re dealing with manipulation, it can be very confusing.
You may start to question yourself or dismiss your feelings.
You may ask yourself, “Am I overreacting?”
But it’s important to get in touch with how you’re feeling about the manipulation.
You can do this by writing a journal to express your feelings. And by talking to someone you trust (such as a friend or family member).
Acknowledging your feelings can:
- Help you process your feelings instead of pushing them away
- Reassure you that your feelings are justified
- Give you the fuel to do something about them, instead of being tempted to try to explain or justify them
Create distance
Manipulation can lead to toxic relationships.
Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect, affection, and cooperation to function smoothly.
If you have a connection with someone who you feel is extremely manipulative, you may need to put some space between you—or even cut them off entirely.
What happens when you ignore a manipulator? You’re taking away their power over you.
As sad as it may feel, the reality is that sometimes the best thing we can do to protect ourselves is simply walk away.
Of course, I know this is often easier said than done.
But it’s about showing yourself the love and care you deserve.
Getting some space and getting away from them will also help you see things more clearly and gain a better perspective.
Seek help and support
Don’t underestimate it:
Manipulation can quickly turn into a form of abuse.
One study found that emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.
Research shows that being exposed to it can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, stress, depression, and withdrawal.
So, you may need some help in breaking free from the manipulation. If so, you must tell someone what is happening.
You may also choose to seek therapy to help you heal, or seek support from help groups.
