If you know what it means to be together but aren’t really together with someone, chances are you’ve been in a situational relationship. This is when you talk to someone (inconsistently), make plans (at the last minute), and the romantic connection isn’t very specific.
While it’s a popular term sweeping the internet, situational relationships can mean different things to different people—like a state of dating uncertainty, for some, or relationship purgatory at its worst.
If you’re looking to approach your situational relationship with as much clarity and care as possible, here are some rules to keep in mind.
What is a situational relationship?
A situational relationship is an undefined romantic relationship that exists somewhere between a fling and a committed relationship. “A situational relationship offers the flexibility to basically come and go as you please, hopefully avoiding the stressors that a typical relationship brings,” relationship coach and counselor Nicole Schafer, LPC, tells mbg.
It’s worth noting that there are two types of dating: casual dating when you’re having fun without any expectations and dating when you’re testing attraction in the hope that it will develop into something more. Situational relationships are usually a form of casual dating but the ambiguity that comes from a lack of clear communication about what’s going on.
SituationalRelationshipsVs. Friends with Benefits.
When you’re having sex with your friend, there are usually some ground rules in place to avoid ruining the friendship. Being together means having fun, staying friends, and reaping all the benefits of physical intimacy without becoming exclusive.
“A friendship with benefits is very similar to a situational relationship,” says Schafer. “The only major difference is that in a friend-with-benefits scenario, there are usually clear boundaries about not developing feelings for each other, whereas in a situational relationship, there are rarely any boundaries at all.”
Signs of a Situational Relationship:
If you’re wondering if you’re in a situational relationship, there are consistent traits to look out for. However, it’s important to note that they will vary for different people. Some situational relationships involve full-blown declarations of love, taking vacations together, and involving each other in your lives. Some may seem like constant sex.
The most important trait to look for is a chronic sense of instability in the relationship and a primary drive to keep things light and low-pressure.
Here are some other signs that you’re in a situational relationship:
There’s been no DTR conversation.
You’re doing activities with a girlfriend/boyfriend, but you’ve both declared them casual.
You’re not meaningfully involved in each other’s lives—you haven’t met their family, friends, or colleagues.
One or both of you are still dating and hooking up with other people.
You don’t make plans in advance; usually a week or two in advance, on the same day, or just a few hours in advance.
Sex can be a big or perhaps the biggest part of your relationship.
There’s no regularity in the time you spend together—you might spend a weekend with them and then days without contact.
You don’t make meaningful promises about the relationship or the future.
There was no indication that you were committed to each other.
You are physically close but not emotionally.
You talk about a lot of different topics, but you remain vague about feelings.
You don’t communicate desires and what you want with them; instead, it’s more about keeping things light and making sure you don’t “spoil” what you have.
The relationship doesn’t grow; it remains vague.
You don’t expect to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or important events together.
You feel anxious and uncomfortable expressing your true needs around them.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells about telling them what you want.
You don’t go on dates together; it’s more spontaneous and ad hoc.
They tell you straight up that they don’t want a serious relationship.
WhatAreRelationshipRules?
A relationship is like the Wild West. Each person makes up their own rules as they go along, which can make the dynamic feel unpredictable. As a result of the inconsistency, it can be hard to feel settled.
But in general, here are some typical unspoken ground rules for situational relationships:
- Situational relationships are usually temporary.
Situational relationships tend to be fleeting unless both partners intentionally agree to keep things ambiguous in an ongoing manner. Otherwise, they will either eventually turn into a relationship, or they will fizzle out.
Because situational relationships can be ambiguous, get in the habit of clarifying your feelings and boundaries at various stages so that you both have the opportunity to choose or withdraw as the situational relationship evolves.
- It’s not exclusive until you discuss it.
Don’t assume exclusivity until you’ve discussed it. You can infer what’s going on, but you won’t know for sure unless you have the conversation. Being honest about what each of you expects helps you better manage your emotions. Plus, it allows you to be clear about your needs and desires.
- Normal “relationship” expectations don’t automatically apply unless they’re discussed.
According to Cooper, the availability and transparency that exist in a typical relationship are not typically found in situational relationships. For example, she says, when you’re in a relationship with someone, it may be perfectly acceptable to show up at the other person’s home or workplace unannounced or to call them at any time of the day or night in the hopes that they’ll pick up. However, in situational relationships, the same expectations may not apply because you’re not technically “together.”
Regular communication, seeing friends and family, and talking about the future together are all other fair expectations in a relationship but not typical traits of a situational relationship, according to Cooper. However, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want!
- You’re still expected to care about each other.
Since you’re not planning a life with them (yet, if ever), you may feel like you don’t have to care about their feelings. Sure, situational relationships are about independence and autonomy, but there’s always a certain responsibility that comes with choosing to be intimate with someone. Shutting yourself off and not letting the other person in on your thoughts can lead to painful results — especially when they can be affected. You may not technically be dating, but you can still show them that you care.
CanASystemRelationshipTurnIntoARelationship?
According to Jemica Woody Cooper, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of The Brown Girl’s Guide to Radical Healing, a situational relationship can lead to a relationship. “It depends on each person’s needs and whether the compatibility grows over time,” she advises.
If you want to move forward in the relationship, it’s essential to talk about yourself. They may not feel the same way, but at least you know where you both stand. You can tell the other person that you’re developing real feelings for them and that you want to get to know them better to see where things can go. This can look like revising expectations, going on dates, and communicating your new desires together.
When a Relationship Works.
I’ve had a successful relationship before. After ending a serious relationship, I wasn’t interested in settling down with this new person when I was still feeling unsettled. For his part, he wasn’t interested in dating someone who didn’t live in his area. Although we had a lot in common, we were on the same page about the fleeting nature of our attraction. A relationship was exactly what we were looking for.
It turns out that being in a state of uncertainty about your life situation creates the perfect breeding ground for a relationship. If you’re a traveler, recently single, moving soon, or interested in playing around because you’re going through a transition, a relationship might be right for you.
Cooper shares other life situations where a relationship might make sense:
You want to date other people casually without committing to anyone.
You’re only attracted to certain traits in the other person.
You have trust issues.
You want to know what you want in a relationship above all else.
Other life commitments prevent you from fully engaging in a committed relationship.
When a Relationship Becomes Toxic
“A relationship can become toxic if roles and expectations aren’t set up at the beginning,” Cooper says. “In other words, if one person decides they want more, even though both parties have already agreed on the parameters of the relationship.”
When you’re not on the same page with them, you can start to feel alone in the relationship. Over time, this can lead to more toxic play and behaviors as you look for some feedback. This can look like withholding information or passive aggression. Because you’re not feeling your best or appreciated the way you want to, you may start to feel stressed around them, which can start to hurt your mental health.
What to do if you’re in a situational relationship.
If you want to deal with a situational relationship in the healthiest way possible, here are some tips to help:
- Prioritize honest and open communication.
If you’re looking to have a mutually beneficial situational relationship, honesty is the most important rule. You don’t have to share everything, but you do need to give them some insight into how you feel about them — yes, even if you don’t see it going anywhere, and even if you don’t know how you feel or what you want.
“Being on the same page at all times requires showing vulnerability as well as communicating, but that will be helpful in the long run,” says Schafer. “You both need to know what you want and where you want the relationship to go if it’s going anywhere at all.”
For example, tell them you just want to have fun without any pressure, but promise to let them know if anything changes. Or, you might tell them you’re romantically interested in them and don’t want to move forward unless they’re open to exploring the possibility of something more serious.
- Be realistic about your motivations.
It’s important to be honest with yourself about your motivations for being in a relationship, says Cooper. “Don’t settle for someone because you’d rather have a part of them than none of them.”
If you’re in a relationship hoping it will turn into something more significant without telling them, that can be a recipe for disaster and disappointment. Likewise, if you know the other person is hoping for more — but you’re not interested in them in that way — make that clear so they can make an informed decision about whether they want to stay in a casual relationship.
- Respect each other’s boundaries.
Boundaries tell people how you care for them while still caring for yourself. When you’re in a situational relationship, being direct about your preferences and comfort levels will keep your values in check. You know what’s best for you better than anyone else, so stand up for yourself.
Shaffer recommends being clear about what you want in a relationship. “What do boundaries look like for you and your partner? Do you agree to a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy? Or do you want to know what’s going on in their intimate lives? Maybe you agree to a no-sleeping-around rule or never meet each other’s families,” she says. “There are several boundaries you can set to make sure you’re both getting the most out of the relationship.”
- Think about why you want the relationship in the first place.
“Are you afraid of the trust and risk that a more committed relationship entails? Do you feel unworthy of a committed relationship? Asking yourself these questions can help you determine if you’re using the relationship as a crutch to deal with deep-seated emotions. It can be helpful to explore these feelings in a therapeutic setting,” Cooper says.
- Be kind.
Kindness can look like honesty in your time together. Even if you’re not in a long-term relationship with someone, you can still treat them as someone who deserves respect, affection, and honesty.
Vulnerability breeds authenticity. Being a nice person on a date invites generosity in the relationship, leading to more beautiful moments and memories together.
- Let go when it’s not serving you.
If you’re constantly feeling unhappy and dissatisfied in your relationship, it may be time to consider ending things. Maybe it didn’t work out the way you wanted, but it helps to frame the situation as a learning experience. What did you get out of it? What did you learn about yourself? How did it help you figure out what you want in your next relationship?
Red Flags That Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere.
Relationships with some people can work out just the way they are. Others see relationships with others as a stepping stone to a committed relationship. If you fall into the latter camp, watch out for these red flags that your relationship with others is going nowhere:
- Irregular Communication.
You don’t have to talk or prioritize each other every day when you’re still in the relationship stage. But if both parties want the relationship to develop into a real relationship, there shouldn’t be random periods of radio silence for no reason.
“One of the big red flags in a relationship is that all the communication is inconsistent,” Cooper says. “You might get a text or a call from the other person but there’s no pattern.” Unless it’s a well-established expectation that your communication will ebb and flow, erratic communication habits—and the lack of respect they often indicate—may be a sign to cut it off.
- You feel like you’re a secret.
Another red flag, Cooper notes, is when you’re not involved in other aspects of the other person’s life. “For example, you haven’t met their friends, you haven’t met their family, and if they have kids, you haven’t met their kids,” she says. Being private is different from feeling like you’re being hidden.
- It’s all about sex.
“Another red flag is that the relationship is all about physicality and all about sex,” Cooper says. “Do you spend your time together having long, deep conversations or do you spend your time just having sex?” Even if you agree to be engaged, that doesn’t mean you can’t still show affection to each other whenever the need arises—especially if a long-term, committed relationship is what you’re looking for in the long run.
- Don’t talk about the future.
You don’t have to communicate everything, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re isolated on an island of situations with no idea what’s going on. “Do you know if there’s been any discussion about shared plans for the future? The absence of such conversations is significant and indicates that the other person doesn’t anticipate anything more significant in the future,” Cooper asks.
