Manipulation is always wrong, but the truth is that it creeps into many relationships.
Sometimes this is done very subtly. By nature, manipulation is deceptive and deceitful, so you may not detect it.
The real truth is that even your partner may not be aware when they are unfairly using this tactic to try to get their way.
So how do you know if your partner is manipulative?
Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious signs to watch out for.
1) Your gut is telling you that something isn’t right (even if you try to ignore it)
Let’s get something straight:
Your intuitive feelings are not just unfounded feelings that you should ignore. It relies on deeper wisdom that comes from past experiences.
As noted in Psychology Today:
“Psychologists believe that intuition relies on pattern-matching powers, where the mind combs through experiences stored in long-term memory of similar situations and makes momentary judgments based on them.”
So when your intuition tells you, “This feels wrong,” it uses a wide range of information stored in your subconscious to correct a more accurate picture of the present moment.
If your partner is manipulative and you feel that something is “inappropriate” you may have an uncomfortable feeling about it. But you can at the same time fight this feeling and try to get rid of it.
Especially if your partner is involved in the next thing on the list…
2) You’re wondering if you’re “too sensitive”
The reason why many people endure manipulation for so long is often because they doubt themselves.
If you bring up a behavioral problem with your partner, he or she may respond by saying that you’re making a very big deal about nothing.
Denial is a common tactic to get away from manipulation.
But as a result, you’ll wonder if you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.
You wonder if you just need to relax, and if you’re the one causing problems.
3) Your partner rejects your thoughts and feelings
The truth is that we end up worrying that we are “too sensitive” when someone ignores us.
If you are in a respectful relationship, your feelings and thoughts matter.
You and your partner won’t always agree, but you should both feel heard.
They should not try to stop you or ignore what you have to say.
4) You often feel guilty
…The reason is that your partner is trying to make you feel bad.
Guilt trips are one of the most classic signs of manipulation in a relationship.
It gives the illusion of free will, but the repercussions of going against your partner’s wishes often leave you feeling like you have little choice.
Your partner is trying to make you responsible for his feelings. Instead of explicitly saying what they need and want from you, they will resort to manipulation.
As a therapist and social worker, Lisa Gold explains:
“Guilt is a natural form of passive aggression that people elicit when they do not have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively.”
5) You feel that you are no longer the same person you were before
Of course, we all change over time. That’s not a bad thing either. It can be the result of learning, growth and development.
But that has to come from within. This shouldn’t happen by trying to change yourself to keep your partner happy.
Losing your sense of self to please your partner can manifest in several ways:
Dressing differently
Change your appearance
Change your opinions and ideas
Adopting your partner’s interests, practices, and lifestyle and abandoning your own interests, practices, and lifestyle
6) You avoid talking because it’s not worth it
Sometimes it’s smart to bite your tongue. We avoid unnecessary conflict by thinking before we speak.
But open and honest communication is really important in any relationship.
Although it’s not a good idea to blurt out everything that comes to your mind, you shouldn’t walk on eggshells either.
7) Your partner acts like you’re the crazy one
“This didn’t happen”
“You’re remembering all this wrong.”
“Why do you always spoil things by exaggerating everything?”
These are just a few of the possible phrases a manipulative partner might try.
It’s called “gaslighting,” and its goal is to make you question the validity of your memory, judgment, or reality.
It’s just another way to blame you.
8) No matter what you argue about, you are always wrong
You constantly say sorry.
Sometimes it is because you are made to feel bad by your partner. Other times, you can simply apologize because it’s the only way to keep the peace.
However, all concessions, bends and retreats are on your side.
Although it takes two people to tango, you are the one who takes 100% responsibility, no matter what happens.
9) You feel very isolated
Manipulation is about control. The influence of other people in your life may weaken your partner’s sense of control over you.
After all, they don’t want others to come in and be the voice of reason.
So they may try to distance you from your support networks such as friends, family or community. They discourage you from spending time with anyone but them.
They may also try to use your connections against you, as we’ll see next.
10) They use other people to attack you
The psychological term for this is triangulation.
A manipulative partner may enlist others to coerce and persuade you. Or they may try to provoke a fight between you and another person as an attempt to divide and conquer.
Either way, they attract a third party to manipulate them in order to make you feel more isolated and dependent on them.
11) You are often given the silent treatment
As we have already seen, passive aggression is a very powerful tool when it comes to manipulation.
It’s also probably one of the most common things in a relationship.
Research suggests that as many as two out of three of us are guilty of using the silent treatment to show that we are not happy.
Instead of talking about how they feel, your partner may frown or be cold to you.
Ostracism may be a long-used method of punishment, but it has some nasty side effects, as Princeton psychology professor Joel Cooper told The Atlantic:
“Since we humans need social connection for our mental health, the consequences of isolation can be severe. In the short term, the silent treatment causes stress. In the long term, stress can be viewed as abuse.”
12) Don’t feel like you can say “no” to your partner
If you reject your other half’s requests, you will never hear the end of it.
They pressure you until you finally give in. They try to make you feel selfish or uncaring.
They may use persuasive statements such as “If you loved me, I would” to get you to change your mind.
13) Your partner puts you down all the time but claims he doesn’t mean anything by it
They might say it’s constructive criticism. They suggest that they are telling you in your best interest and that it is “just because they care.”
Or they may disguise their harsh and offensive comments as “jokes” or “pranks.”
But this not only makes you feel bad, it comes across as hostile.
14) If you disagree with them, they withhold affection
Unfortunately, according to a 2019 study, withholding love is another form of passive-aggressive punishment used by manipulators.
Your partner may try to use sex as a weapon by making him conditional on doing or saying what he wants.
Or they may give you a cold reception or refuse to approach you until you comply with certain demands.
15) They exaggerate to play the victim and make you the “bad guy.”
Lies and blame often go hand in hand to support the manipulator and justify his or her actions.
This may include making up things that didn’t even happen. It could be twisting your words. Or they may simply exaggerate events.
The ultimate goal is to portray themselves as the wronged party.
16) They give you ultimatums
When all else fails, you may be presented with an ultimatum:
“Do this or else!”
Sometimes your partner may try to disguise the ultimatum as a healthy boundary.
However, boundaries are honest (and somewhat flexible) requests. Ultimatums on the other hand are final demands.
As mental health counselor Michaela Dalsingh says:
“The difference between an ultimatum and a boundary is like the difference between someone forcing you to make a choice at gunpoint and someone telling you to follow the law.”
17) They make threats to achieve their goals
Of course, ultimatums constitute a form of threat in themselves. But your partner may use threats in other ways, too.
This may pose direct threats to you, such as:
“Go ahead, see what happens if you do!”
Or they may also threaten themselves.
For example, one of my ex-boyfriends often says he would hurt himself whenever I tried to end the relationship.
18) They talk to you extremely nicely
All of our manipulation tactics so far have been pretty bad. You could say they use the stick rather than the carrot to influence behavior.
But some manipulation is sugar-coated.
Psychologists call this phenomenon love bombing.
But your partner’s compliments don’t come for free. There’s a price to pay, and that price is compliance, warns psychologist Alina Tiani:
