Having a narcissistic parent is nothing less than a nightmare, and more so, if it is particularly harmful. But when you have kids, you need to find a way to deal with their narcissism effectively, without letting any of it affect your kids.

the main points:

Co-parenting is not an option for those with narcissistic traits and behaviors.

Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.

The narcissist will do anything to cause problems in their parents’ personal lives and destroy their relationship with the child.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible. At best, one can adopt a parallel parenting method with strict boundaries and legal protections. The narcissist craves complete control over a situation that causes him to call the shots and set the standards. What are the signs of co-parenting with a narcissist, and can the situation be salvaged?

Traditionally, co-parenting is described as when an adult helps parents care for and support the upbringing of children including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends. The concept of “co-parenting” as it relates to modern divorce and custody cases has only been studied extensively since the 1970s.

Modern co-parenting enables both parents to coordinate the support, care, and control of children without living in the same home or a relationship together. This is the equivalent of sharing a child’s schedule, appointments, school problems, daycare and babysitting needs, medical needs, and more while still respecting the other parent as a separate entity.

Related: Is Narcissism Inherited? Can Narcissism Be Passed On From Parents To Children?

Parenting limits

The concept of respect and privacy is the reason why narcissists are unable to understand proper and boundary-specific co-parenting. Joint custody of a child does not imply that the parents need to share their schedules and itineraries. Work schedules should be shared and pick-up or drop-off times coordinated, but only within the constraints of the child’s well-being.

Co-parenting, especially in high-conflict divorce situations, doesn’t mean being friends, taking vacations and vacations together, or getting the other parent’s permission to date. Once a couple separates and separates, they are no longer one unit and are free to date and spend their time however they choose.

Unfortunately, this equals a loss of control for the narcissist, and they act like a hurricane: explosive, violent, and bent on causing lasting damage.

The narcissist cannot let the child go to the other parent for the weekend or even a few hours without any fuss. Escalation, conflict creation, perceived insults, and any other minor snag in the schedule will be exaggerated and the blame will be placed on the shoulders of the non-narcissistic parent.

The narcissistic parent will try to get in the way of the other parent’s time as much as possible through phone calls, text messages, or insisting they attend activities with the other parent. The invasion of privacy does not stop when the children are handed over to the narcissist. Then the narcissist inserts himself into the other parent’s personal life.

Parallel parenting

Parallel parenting is a good option for the parent to create a new life without the narcissistic parent but it can also be a struggle to execute. It must be accompanied by strict limits and solid legal paperwork.

Narcissists are unable to keep promises and believe their lies as truth; Without a legal agreement, nothing can be upheld. Parallel parenting limits interaction between parents, and each parent is committed to his own decisions, activities, procedures, and parenting style.

Related: Narcissistic Mother: 5 Signs Your Mother Is A Narcissist

The narcissist will find any way possible to complicate the other parent’s life, including:

1. Demand to know all plans and activities that have taken place (or will take place) during the other parent’s time;
2. Refusal to surrender the child(ren) for the time of the other parent;
3. Text or call parent or child (or both!) nonstop during the other parent’s time;
4. Questioning the child(ren) about everything that happened with the other parent, including what they ate, where they went, who they saw, etc., and then start fighting with the other parent;
5. telling the children to record or take pictures of the other parent, home, activities, etc. and send them to the narcissistic parent to file groundless claims with child protective services;
6. Engaging the child(ren) in mental and psychological games, such as planning elaborate vacations or being a parent without rules or penalties, comparing everything to the other parent’s ability to plan or provide;
7. Harassing or cyberbullying the other parent’s friends, family, or new romantic partner;
8. Attempts to isolate the child(ren) from seeing anyone the narcissistic parent does not “approve” of, even without reason. This can also include other family members or friends of the other parent;
9. Insisting on celebrating holidays or special occasions together as a “family” despite the disagreement of the other parent. Even when told no, the narcissistic parent will either show up (“It’s a public event!”) or the children and other parents will feel guilty;
10. ALTERNATIVES, HE WILL TRY TO CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE WHO APPEAR AT EVENTS. (“You may come, but your new wife is not allowed.”)
11. Telling children that their other parent “will not allow” them to have a family or spend time together and turn them into a victim of suffering;
12. refuse to abide by the custody schedule or rules, such as transferring school districts or failing to give notice about removing a child from the state;
13. Changing their schedules or the children’s schedule without consulting with the other parent and telling them of the changes at the last minute, forcing the other parent to accommodate and change their schedule;
14. Harassing and cyberbullying the other parent until they comply with the demands;
15. Threatening the bankruptcy or insolvency of the other parent.
16. Trying to seduce the other parent when starting a new relationship.
17. Manipulate text conversations and make out-of-context statements to people to destroy the other parent’s reputation, friendships, or relationships;
18. Spreading lies and rumors about the other parent or the other parent’s new romantic partner to make themselves look better, sometimes this is used to cause problems at work or in court. Narcissistic exes and co-parents have been known to accuse the other parent of drug and alcohol addiction, domestic violence, rape, and stalking. These baseless claims do nothing but complicate an already stressful and messy situation and damage reputation beyond repair.

Parallel parenting can eventually give way to co-parenting over time, but when a narcissist gets involved it’s best to never lower your boundaries. The minute you do, they’ll creep back in with the intent of destroying your life and everything you’ve built since the breakup.