Every day, I hear more than one person talk about their experience with narcissistic abuse as a child.
As a child, they had no idea what abuse was. So why would you? By the age of 10, or even 5, you won’t know what narcissism is.
Thanks to sites like “The Narcissistic Life,” you can figure out what happened to you and connect it all together.
Let’s start with these 17 signs.
You know, there are many more signs here, I just have to start with these…
- You’re a People-Pleasing Person
People-pleasing is the desperate need to please everyone, no matter how it impacts your mental health.
As long as those around you are okay, you’re okay. This is because you learned at an early age that your feelings don’t matter, and that you have to work to ensure the happiness of others.
I’m here to tell you that this was never your responsibility.
- You find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships
Healthy relationships involve compromise and trust, give and take, and the idea that no one demands your love unconditionally.
Related : Why I Couldn’t Tell The Difference Between Love and Narcissistic Abuse
If healthy relationships aren’t designed for you, how can you find one, or even be in one as an adult? You’ll naturally gravitate toward wanting to fix people or trying to change those who exhibit toxic traits.
Your mission isn’t to win the love of an incompetent person, but to thrive in the love of someone capable of loving you back.
- Boundaries Are Hard
It’s hard to say “no” or refuse when someone crosses their boundaries. You say things like, “Okay!” or, “I know you mean well.”
No one who violates your boundaries means well, and that’s not acceptable. Narcissistic parents pretend to be parents and automatically ignore your boundaries because you’re obligated to do what they say, but that’s not true.
We all deserve respect.
- You’re hypervigilant
Noises, emotions, and situations overwhelm your senses. You’re constantly searching for anything that might be wrong, or trying to understand what others are thinking.
Many children are forced to question their environment day after day, and it’s not something they even realize they’re doing.
What’s Dad’s mood like?
Will Mom talk to me today?
Related : 9 Questions We Want The Narcissist To Answer
No child should feel this way, but of course, as the years go by, it leads to hypervigilance.
- You doubt yourself
Dealing with narcissistic abuse as a child meant frequent times when you questioned yourself, your abilities, your skills, your likes and dislikes—everything.
This stems from the constant criticism, ridicule, and mockery you received from your narcissistic parent.
Nothing you did was right or good enough, and now here you are, an adult, drowning in daily doubt.
- You fear success as much as you fear failure.
Of course. You were never given the opportunity to succeed, and because your light was so dim as a child, you fear the feeling of its brightness.
Your potential for success was taken away from you as a child because your narcissistic parent feared you would be more successful than them. Covers are placed on children, and that’s a sense of failure.
But that ceiling represents a limit to what you believe you’re capable of achieving, and anything beyond that feels terrifying.
- Feeling isolated.
Narcissistic parents isolate their children in the following ways:
They tell them that any family matters should be kept at home and not made public. This ensures that the abuse is not talked about, and children can feel extremely lonely.
They push you away from any real friends you make, or anyone they feel you’re getting too close to so they can’t control you anymore.
Related : Watch Out: These Phone Habits Are Deadly Signs of a Narcissist
Yes, as an adult, you find it difficult to talk about or admit your problems, and you find it difficult to make or maintain friendships.
- You Find It Difficulty Making Decisions
How can any abused child make decisions easily as an adult?
Perhaps you’re used to having all the decisions made for you, and if you dared to try to do it yourself, you’d be ridiculed or rejected.
And now—here you are—an adult trying to consider your options and how to make the right decision.
This is where the self-doubt I mentioned comes in.
- Self-Sabotage
Why not destroy something that was going to be destroyed eventually anyway, right?
You’re so used to things going wrong, or happiness being short-lived, that you might try to make a dent in it and give up any hope of proving yourself—and your past—wrong.
- You Don’t Know Who You Are
Loss of identity begins at an early age, but children of narcissistic abuse go through all those crucial years of change and hormones without really knowing who they are.
Instead, they focus all their efforts on trying to fit in with who their parents wanted them to be.
As an adult, you feel lost and don’t really know where to place your values or beliefs.
- Anxiety
It’s obvious that anyone who has experienced abuse from a parent—someone who was supposed to love and care for them—will experience anxiety.
Not knowing their temperament.
Not feeling good enough.
Manipulated as a child who didn’t know what was best.
Loss of identity.
All of this will trigger fear and anxiety.
- Depression
It’s no surprise that this leads to depression in many adult children of narcissists.
You grieve for the parent you never had, who is still alive.
You grieve for all the loving moments you never experienced.
Related : Why Your Ex Is Likely Not the Narcissist You Think They Are
You feel bad for yourself because you went through all this when you were so young.
- Feeling constantly stressed for no reason
That’s what you’re used to; after all, no day is the same.
Narcissists’ moods fluctuate quickly, and children aren’t supposed to understand that.
You wonder what you’ll do wrong next, or you worry that you don’t seem like the right person, and it all comes down to your parent.
- To trust or not to trust?
If you can’t trust your parent, how can you trust anyone else? The first people you learn from are your caregivers, so if they let you down, there’s a lot you need to learn on your own. And trusting is hard.
- You fool yourself
It’s easy to convince yourself that you don’t feel a certain way, or that you don’t need something from life if you’re constantly being taken away from your true self.
Related : How Narcissistic Trauma Can Make You Sick
So, yes, adults tend to fool themselves and ignore what’s really going on.
- You Put Everyone Before Yourself
Everyone comes first, because that’s how you were taught to treat your parent in the past.
As long as I can make them happy, that’s all that matters.
If they can be happy, I feel better about what I’ve done to them.
It was never your responsibility to be a parent.
People-pleasing always puts you last.
- You Detach
Withdrawing and not being in the moment, or when it comes to close relationships, is your default way of trying to feel secure.
This is what you would have done as a child because you felt better being detached from reality.
This continues into adulthood and is a big sign that you were narcissistically abused as a child.
