With all the tragedy in the news lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about life, death, and life lessons. I’ve also been thinking about the things that saved my life years ago.
There have been times in my life when I wanted to die. I think we’ve all been there.
I hated myself to the core. I hated that I was so desperate for crumbs from toxic people and I hated that as an adult, I was still trying to be one of the cool kids.
I also felt ashamed of how little I appreciated the good people in my life.
As a result, I committed emotional suicide and adopted unhealthy habits that allowed me to gradually contribute to my physical death.
Looking back, this is what I know now:
When I wanted to die, I wasn’t applying any of these life lessons.
In my early 20s, when I was limitless, smoking cigarettes, needing a cocktail just to gain the confidence to have a basic conversation, and not caring about my health… I didn’t apply any of these life lessons.
When I was involved in fake friendships and toxic relationships, I didn’t apply any of these life lessons.
When I was…
Engaging in idle gossip
Needing an opposing force just to feel motivated enough to take action
Compulsively lying to compensate for my insecurities
Creating drama just to feel important for a hot minute
…I didn’t apply any of these life lessons.
When I was blaming myself for being emotionally orphaned by a well-meaning but unavailable parent…
I didn’t apply any of these life lessons.
None of the above worked or made me happy. Obviously.
So why did I persist?
Because I couldn’t count on the unpredictability of happiness. Every time I did, the other shoe always dropped.
Related : How To Enjoy Your Own Company When You Feel Like You Have No One
My misery was predictable, to say the least.
So here are some life lessons that saved me from depriving myself of my life. I would have died if I hadn’t applied and acted on these lessons.
Here are 17 important life lessons that saved my life
- Be kind in your honesty, never be harsh. Be true to your love, and never be harsh.
- Never think that “everything will fall into place,” without meeting the universe halfway and being an active participant in that desired outcome. Hard work, awareness, knowledge, and acting on that knowledge is what puts everything in place.
- Be realistic about rejection.
Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a significant other, your ex, or someone you’re dating…
If you’re dealing with a toxic person, they will never reject you.
What they refuse to do is be responsible, respectful, honest, mature, and communicative. They’re not withholding any wealth from you here. These people couldn’t be these things before you, with you, and they won’t have the ability after you.
- Don’t try to question or conform. Get out of the way when it comes to controlling behavior.
Whenever I encounter someone who tries to control me (and/or others), I have to remember this:
At some point in their life, this person felt extremely helpless.
This helplessness traumatized them and this is their only way to deal with the trauma. I used to be like that. I was never aware of my behavior until I lost someone whose absence was more painful than the lack of control.
- People will hate you.
People are judging you and hating you, right now. Some people will never like you (for no reason) and there is nothing you can do about it! No amount of pleading, convincing, accommodating, or empathizing with people will do.
I’ve found that the more consistently you stand up for something, the more respect you get (some will kiss my ass, some will stay quiet because they don’t know what to say, and some will try to criticize/probe me further. But they realize they’re at a dead end in terms of being able to manipulate me. So, they respect my boundaries).
What people respect (and what scares toxic people/makes them want you more) is when you have boundaries. You draw your line and through gracious action, say “This is the line. You won’t go any further.”
Toxic people can’t stand that, but who cares? They’ll either respect your boundaries or be envious of you because it’s the one thing they can’t do. If someone doesn’t like you, there’s no point in trying to convince them.
Just live your life. These people are miserable in their lives.
- Stop being picky.
You have the right to reject anyone who selectively respects you, selectively loves you, selectively sympathizes with you, selectively appreciates you, selectively commits to a relationship with you, or selectively is honest with you. Not only do you have the right to reject and walk away from these people, but you also have the right not to feel guilty about cutting them off.
- You know yourself better than anyone else. You are your CEO. Don’t let the opinions, actions, or inactions of others dictate what you wear, say, do, or don’t do, who you befriend, or who you date. No one knows you better than you do.
Follow this life lesson and you will live a much easier life. A life that includes suggestions (no longer seen as personal attacks), from others. Suggestions that you can either take or discard.
- Keep creating. It disrupts the obsession with what others think.
James Altucher says it perfectly:
“There are other bad habits. Like thinking too much about what others think of you. But whenever you innovate something new, you become a threat to everyone around you. And when you are a threat, you become a target. And when you are a target, people will try to belittle you and discredit you. It will be irrational. It will be maddening. It will be frustrating and scary and it will make you angry. Just assume that all people are irrational. Keep your expectations low. It’s not that they are bad. They are just lonely and find friends who are eager to bring you down. Let them make their friends and have fun. You already have it.”
- You can’t take someone more seriously than they take themselves, and you can’t hold them to higher standards than they hold themselves to.
- Everyone is a freak.
Some people are better at hiding it than others, but trust me on this—everyone is just as insecure and self-centered as you are. Just because some people may be better at imitating others, that doesn’t make them smarter or better than you.
- Stay away from people who have to make decisions and pretend to be versions of themselves.
I don’t wake up every morning and look in the mirror and say, “Natasha, you’re going to be a good person today; You have to be honest.” I just am.
Related : 7 phrases that seem harmless but are actually loaded with judgment
Stay away from people who have to reflect on themselves and transform them into human, honest, and honest people. Also, stay away from people who claim that the truth has copies.
- You will not make anyone see in you what you do not see in yourself.
And if someone sees in you something that you do not see in yourself, you will drain them and turn them off.
Conversely, you will make people see in you what you see in yourself (this does not only apply to good things. It also applies to desperation, insecurity, feelings of unworthiness, etc.). If you are lucky, they will think you are awkward and leave. If they are toxic, you will blink, and suddenly, you are a mat for dirty feet.
- As long as you do not respect yourself, you will never respect anyone who truly respects you.
It took me a while to learn the value of being drawn to what is good for me rather than what made me audition and perform.
- Redefine Emotion.
If you have any kind of abandonment issues, parental issues, triggers, or unaddressed trauma (I think that includes everyone on this planet), you’re likely to get more excited about breadcrumbs than a loaf of bread.
This is normal.
We are designed to want what is in limited supply. That’s why so many of us become addicted to romantic love—hot/cold, high/low, yes/no, Jekyll/Hyde intensity (which we mistake for a soulmate connection).
It keeps us on our emotional toes. But at what cost?
I’m not suggesting that you settle. What I am suggesting is that you take a hard look at how you define passion.
If a few hot moments come at the expense of your mental health, it’s time to give up. Passion isn’t just about feeling sexually aroused. If you feel aroused immediately upon meeting someone, it may be a sign that you’re sexually deprived. But it’s always a (very natural) confirmation that you have the sexual orientation you have. It’s never a sign that you’re in the presence of a soulmate.
True love is linear. That’s why Johnny Cash sings “Because you’re mine, I walk the line.”—not a triangle, an octagon, or a relational quadratic. You will get your life back the moment you say “no thanks” (with your actions) to competing, being right, being chosen, or being good enough to change a toxic person.
- Don’t label others.
One of my favorite life lesson quotes from Hugh Hefner:
“My mom said she grew up in a very repressive home, so she wasn’t able to show that affection. And I said to her, ‘Mom, anything I may have done that was less than ideal was a blessing. It motivated me to create the world I created and to accomplish what I accomplished.’
Sometimes it’s the sand in the oyster that creates the pearl. You need some discomfort. You need some repression or some struggle. My life would be much less fulfilling if I didn’t have that.”
Don’t try to label people who have proven time and time again that they are your sand. Appreciate and accept the sand as it is: it is your preparation for growth. Don’t waste your precious time trying to turn sand into a pearl. That’s not your job.
- People will always react to 1) your successes 2) your failures 3) your growth. Pay attention to how the people closest to you react not only to your 1, 2, and 3 numbers but also, how they react to other people’s numbers.
This will tell you everything you need to know about them.
- What’s the difference between the person everyone wants to know and the person everyone knows they can use? Boundaries.
You weren’t born to be a weak person.
