Narcissistic parents often designate one of their children as the “scapegoat”—the family member who is blamed for everything that goes wrong, criticized relentlessly, and treated unfairly compared to their siblings. This role isn’t chosen randomly; it serves a purpose in the narcissistic parent’s need for control, validation, and self-preservation. Here are 16 reasons why narcissistic parents create a scapegoat child:
1. Preserving Their Ego
Narcissistic parents see themselves as flawless. When things go wrong in the family or they make a mistake, they need someone to blame. The scapegoat absorbs all responsibility, allowing the narcissistic parent to maintain their illusion of perfection.
2. Deflecting Responsibility
Narcissists refuse to take accountability for their actions. By shifting blame to the scapegoat child, they avoid the need to confront their own shortcomings. The scapegoat becomes a convenient target for all the narcissist’s failures, allowing the parent to maintain a sense of control and superiority.
3. Control and Domination
Narcissists crave control in their relationships. By constantly criticizing and belittling the scapegoat, they ensure that the child feels powerless and dependent. This dynamic allows the narcissistic parent to remain in charge and reinforce their authority.
4. Envy and Jealousy
Surprisingly, narcissists often feel envious of their children, particularly if the child exhibits traits the parent lacks—such as intelligence, kindness, or talent. The narcissist may scapegoat the child to undermine these positive qualities and ensure they remain the “star” of the family.
5. Maintaining a Family Narrative
Narcissists often construct a narrative about their family, casting certain members as “good” (often the golden child) and others as “bad” (the scapegoat). This narrative serves to elevate the narcissist and those who mirror their behavior while demonizing those who challenge or question them.
6. Projection of Inner Shame
Narcissists harbor deep, often unconscious feelings of inadequacy and shame. Rather than face these emotions, they project them onto the scapegoat. The scapegoat becomes a living representation of everything the narcissist hates about themselves, making it easier for the parent to avoid dealing with their own flaws.
7. Testing Loyalty
By repeatedly blaming and punishing the scapegoat, narcissistic parents test the child’s loyalty. The more the scapegoat tries to earn love and approval despite the unfair treatment, the more power the narcissist gains. It’s a toxic cycle that reinforces the parent’s control over the child.
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8. Punishing Non-Conformity
The scapegoat is often the child who refuses to conform to the narcissistic parent’s expectations or questions their authority. Narcissists dislike anyone who challenges their control or questions their behavior, so the scapegoat is punished for being independent, outspoken, or different.
9. Creating a Victim Narrative
Narcissists love to play the victim. By creating a scapegoat, they can paint themselves as the long-suffering parent who has to deal with an “unruly” or “difficult” child. This narrative garners sympathy and admiration from others, reinforcing the narcissist’s self-image as the hero or martyr.
10. Triangulation Between Siblings
Narcissists often pit their children against each other through triangulation. By favoring one child (the golden child) and blaming another (the scapegoat), the narcissist creates competition, jealousy, and resentment among siblings. This tactic keeps the focus on sibling rivalry rather than the parent’s toxic behavior.
11. Distraction from Their Flaws
The more attention is focused on the scapegoat’s perceived “failures” or mistakes, the less scrutiny is placed on the narcissistic parent. The scapegoat serves as a diversion, preventing others in the family from recognizing or addressing the parent’s own toxic behaviors.
12. Keeping the Family Dysfunctional
Narcissists thrive in chaos and dysfunction. By creating a scapegoat, they can maintain a turbulent family environment where they are always in control. The constant blame, criticism, and drama distracts from any attempts to address deeper family issues, allowing the narcissist to avoid real change.
13. Reinforcing Superiority
Narcissists need to feel superior to those around them. By keeping the scapegoat in a constant state of inferiority through criticism and blame, the narcissist reinforces their own superiority and maintains the family hierarchy with themselves at the top.
14. Emotional Release
Narcissists often have difficulty managing their own emotions, particularly anger and frustration. The scapegoat provides an outlet for these emotions. The narcissistic parent may lash out at the scapegoat as a way to vent their own feelings without having to deal with the underlying issues.
15. Punishing the Other Parent
In some cases, the scapegoat child represents the other parent in the narcissist’s eyes. If the narcissistic parent has unresolved anger or resentment toward their spouse or co-parent, they may take it out on the child who resembles or reminds them of that person.
16. Maintaining Power Dynamics
The narcissist maintains power by controlling the family dynamics. Having a scapegoat ensures that someone is always “beneath” them, which boosts their fragile ego and ensures the family system revolves around their needs. By constantly shifting blame onto the scapegoat, the narcissist keeps everyone else in the family off-balance and eager to please.
Conclusion
Being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is a painful and challenging experience. Narcissistic parents create scapegoats to protect their fragile egos, deflect responsibility, and maintain control. The scapegoat bears the brunt of the parent’s insecurities, projected shame, and manipulative tactics. Recognizing the reasons behind this dynamic is the first step in breaking free from the toxic cycle and healing from the damage caused by a narcissistic parent.
If you or someone you know has experienced this, it’s important to seek support and resources to rebuild self-worth and move toward healthier relationships.
