Narcissistic individuals are stuck in an insecure and distorted view of the world in which they are all that matters to them.
This is reflected in their actions and the way they deal with those around them. It also comes through the words they say and the way they talk to you.
Psychology offers valuable answers about the phrases that highly narcissistic people use.
By understanding the tricks of extreme narcissists, we can all avoid their manipulation and live our lives with more empowerment and clarity.
Let’s dive into:
1) “I don’t have time for this.”
The narcissist is adept at making himself seem more important and “above” your problems and the concerns of “normal people.”
By ignoring the problems, questions, and comments of others, they are trying to raise themselves to a higher level.
If you have any doubts about your self-esteem, they can succeed in making you subservient to them, which is why they say terse statements like this.
“Not only are they unable to understand another person’s needs, they reject them,” explains psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula.
2) “I’m sorry you feel this way.”
The narcissist hates apologies like the plague, but he has a way around it:
Apologize for how you feel about something that happened.
Are you missing this fake apology? Regretting what they have done or what they might do wrong.
As psychotherapist Erin Leonard wrote:
“Instead of your partner putting themselves in your shoes to try to understand how you feel, they immediately dismiss your feelings as your own.”
3) “Things were so good. Why did I ruin them?”
A narcissist will often start a friendship or relationship by love bombing and giving too much approval. They build you up only to break you.
Then, when you don’t do what they want or don’t toe the line, they point to a false “golden age” and blame you for ruining it.
This is classic narcissistic gaslighting in action.
“By pretending that they can still be loving, the narcissist makes his victim believe that the insults are his fault,” says psychology writer Lindsay Dodgson.
4) “Why are you like this?”
The narcissist always finds a way to blame others for a situation or issue.
Whatever is going on, they will blame you for being too upset (or not upset enough) or something else.
They want you to question your behavior and reactions and focus the blame on others, not them.
As Durvasula says:
“Narcissists have an amazing ability to switch from being the perpetrator to being the victim. You might be the one with the flu or you’re having a tough week at work. But if what you’re experiencing bothers them, it will be framed as their problem.
5) “You don’t deserve me.”
The narcissist likes to elevate himself to a false status of superiority. This is often driven by an internal feeling of worthlessness.
Telling you that you don’t deserve them is a classic way they try to convince you to fall in line and do whatever they say.
They want you to seek their approval and love for fear that they will leave or reject you.
As psychotherapist Kelly Miller, LCSW, MSW, writes:
“Narcissists find ways to position themselves as superior in relationships through comments like ‘You don’t deserve me’ or ‘You’re lucky to have me.’”
6) “You’ll never amount to anything.”
The narcissist is looking for a way to get into your head and sow doubt and doom there.
Predicting future doomsday about other people’s misfortune is one of their favorites.
It is an insult and humiliation that makes them feel a temporary euphoria and alleviates their inner doubt about their actual worth.
“Narcissists have poor boundaries in dealing with others and carry a sense of entitlement, which leads to a lack of respect for others.
“The longer you allow someone to disrespect you, the more they will continue to do so,” notes Marriage and Family Therapist Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT.
7) “You’re too sensitive!”
The narcissist reserves the right to judge who feels too much or too little.
This is their bubble of reality, where they are the judge and jury of your feelings and everyone else’s reactions.
By highlighting people’s reactions, the narcissist hopes to embarrass and control them.
“Being unfairly attacked when you weren’t the one who did the wrong thing can be maddening. It’s normal to feel upset in that situation,” Leonard says.
8) “Your friends are losers.”
This is an isolation tactic used by narcissists as they try to distance you from any external sources of support.
By making themselves the ones to decide everything, they remove annoying friends, family, and loved ones who might get in their way.
It will also devalue other parts of your life that occupy your attention or take your time away from it.
“They will try to devalue everything their victim loves, such as their interests and hobbies, and even their family,” Dodgson explains.
9) “You don’t understand that.”
Narcissists demand that they define what is true and what is false and will not tolerate any challenge to that.
Claiming that you don’t understand or can’t wrap your head around something is their attempt to control the framework (paradigm) of what’s happening.
Their point of view is that they are the only ones who understand what is going on and you should shut up and obey.
As Neuharth notes:
“Some narcissists appear to be identified with opposition, and seek to attack, discredit, or subjugate others.”
10) “I act this way because I’m afraid of losing you…”
The extreme narcissist always has an excuse.
When they completely lose control or go overboard with verbal abuse and break down, this is one of the typical “comeback” statements.
It’s not a real apology, but instead a justification for their horrific behavior out of love. In other words, they did nothing wrong in their eyes.
As psychologist Perpetua Neo points out, narcissists “begin to explain away their behavior if they are challenged by it.”
11) “You brought this on yourself.”
No matter what happens and no matter how bad the situation is, the narcissist will blame you.
This includes if they cheat on you, yell at you, or threaten to leave you.
Whatever the case, they stress that you alone are responsible for everything that goes wrong.
“Narcissists will find ways to shift blame on you whenever they can because accepting responsibility will require them to take responsibility and acknowledge the shame (they experience),” Miller notes.
12) “You need to toughen up.”
This is another phrase the narcissist uses for gaslighting:
They blame you and ask you to feel the way they would prefer you to feel.
It is also often used to isolate you from friends and family by claiming that your interest in them is invalid or exaggerated.
As psychologist Sylvie Saxena, MSW, writes:
“They say this because they believe that mercy is weak and that you have to put up with what they say.”
13) “Everyone loves me except you.”
This is an attempt to isolate:
You are told that you are the only person who disapproves of the narcissist.
Everyone loves them, but you are out of control and have an unknown problem with them!
“To protect themselves from insecurity, shame, and loneliness, narcissists delude themselves with delusions of possessing unlimited power, success, and love from others,” Miller explains.
14) “Just let it go already.”
The narcissist likes to tell others when they should stop caring about something.
This is especially true when the topic is to stop caring about something the narcissist has done.
You are told to sit down, shut up, and do whatever the narcissist says.
“They expect you to roll with their punches, and to convince you that how you feel doesn’t matter. In the long run, statements like these can make you feel like your feelings don’t matter.”
15) “Why can’t you be by my side for once?”
The narcissist never gets enough support.
He or she always accuses you of failing to truly support them.
But no matter how much support you offer, you are told that you should offer more, and they will pounce on you as soon as you offer the slightest criticism. As Miller notes:
“They often seek relationships with people who can constantly affirm them (although they rarely reciprocate).”
16) “No one will ever love you.”
The final and most brutal blow to the narcissist is this type of statement.
It’s the ultimate form of gas lighting and insulation in one:
Claiming that you are not loved, at least by anyone but them. Sadly, of course, the narcissist never offered true love to begin with.
“When a narcissist completely exhausts his victim, he may tire of her,” New writes.
“This may be because they have exhausted their money, or they simply found someone new to abuse them.”
