Love can change lives, but what happens when it becomes toxic? Let’s reveal the painful lessons we learned from trying to love a toxic person who was toxic to me. Prepare for a deep exploration of the heartache and power of letting go.

At some point in life, we have all been in a relationship with a toxic person for a short or long time. If you haven’t met a toxic person yet, these lessons will help you stay safe. Here are the things I learned trying to love someone toxic to me.

“I know I’d probably be better off on my own. Of loving a man who didn’t know what he had when he had him. And seeing the lasting damage you’ve done me never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic.”

16 Things I learned when I loved someone toxic to me

1. I couldn’t love someone who loved me.
   I thought if I tried hard enough or did enough or cared enough, maybe I could convince him to feel the same way. I thought love could solve this. But what I didn’t realize was that love had to be on both sides of it for it to work.

What I don’t realize is that someone feels some way about you or they don’t. You don’t have to impress someone to care.

2. History did not mean there would be a future.
   I held onto the past so tightly that I didn’t want to forget it. Not only was I living in the past, but I was letting that convince me that there would be a future. I thought that because of the time I had invested in this person, no one would know him the way I did.

I thought he owed me a future simply because I was part of his past.

Related: How To Survive A Toxic Family During The Holidays

3. The circles we ran eventually got tired of me.
   We run in circles with toxic people because we want the outcome to be different. We want to be right about them. They have become a habit that we cannot get rid of.

But every time I answer his text and feel low for doing so, small talk will lead to Where Are We Going? What do we do? A quick attachment might lead me to be strangers again, while all along my feelings have not changed.

What I wish I had learned earlier is no matter how many chances someone gets if they are not right once they are right the second, third, or fourth time around.

4. I couldn’t trust him and stopped trusting myself.
   When you master the art of lying well, I think people don’t even realize the difference anymore.

It was every false promise, every plan he would cancel at the last minute. It was known in the back of my mind that I might not be the only girl who blew up his phone. I didn’t have the confidence to walk away knowing I deserved more.

Wanting to trust him and trusting him were two completely different things.

Related: To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Narcissistic Man

5. The good should not make me forget so much bad.
   He was doing something so good I will forget the 3 days he spent ignoring me. He was doing something to hurt me on purpose and with one “I’m sorry” he forgave him. He was complimenting me and for some reason, I programmed myself not to remember the insult.
6. I couldn’t keep giving parts of myself to keep him whole.
   I thought if I gave him what he needed, he might feel more complete. But what I’ve realized is that you can’t reassemble yourself using people. You either have to live your life broken with confidence or figure out how to get yourself back together again.

Some wounds love cannot touch. But the hell I tried everything

I lost myself giving as much as I did. It’s really easy to lose yourself to someone when you think you love them and you don’t love yourself enough. It’s easy to give them everything but back off when you don’t get anything in return.

7. He only brought me back after he was the one who knocked me down.
   Healthy relationships build each other up. Venomous people only do this after they have touched you. It’s a snide comment. He ignores you.

It’s the excuses that never seem to end. It is every situation where someone is your fault. And suddenly you are walking on eggshells with everything you say and do.

Related: The Narcissist Silent Treatment: Why The Narcissists Use Toxic Silence To Manipulate Their Victims

8. He didn’t like that he was manipulative.
   He needed someone to control him when parts of his life were beyond his control. He needed to know that when he jumped, someone would say “How far.” He needed that validation, no matter what he did, someone would love him for it.

And I was an easy target. I was still learning how to love myself and thought to get there I had to first be someone worthy of being loved. Every story was changed. He’s been going all out justifying his actions because of something I did.

9. It wasn’t love it was infatuation.
   When you invest so much time and effort in someone, you don’t want that time to go to waste. And I claimed it was love but more than that it was the desire and need for love that kept me going

Related: 6 Signs You Are Dealing With An Evil Person

10. I should not love someone who made me lose myself.
    I just remember looking at myself one day wondering how I came to be this person. And I thought about who I was before him and realized I couldn’t even recognize this person who didn’t think too much of himself to handle this not once but many times over such a long period of his life.

11. I shouldn’t love someone who made it a game.
    I thought his love was something that had to be earned. I competed with others and made myself look like a fool for trying, all the while changing the rules whenever he felt like it. I was just a pawn in his game.
12. I believe what I want, not what is real.
    I captured the good moments and the person I wanted them to be and believed them. What I didn’t see was how blind I was to the truth. I saw what the future wanted me to be and I danced with those thoughts in my head because every time he said, “Someday,” I believed in him and wanted him more than anything else.
13. He took me for granted.
    When you give a lot, people take it for granted. When you give it to the wrong people, there’s suddenly an expectation without a “thank you.” I thought if I kept trying, maybe it would be reciprocated.

But if no one meets you halfway, don’t keep walking.

14. He wasn’t worthy of me.
    It wasn’t worth all that I did. But he didn’t ask for it either. I deserved to give myself more than I gave him, but in loving him more than myself, I couldn’t find that balance and it took me a long time to channel that effort into me.

Even with my best efforts, there was a cold realization after the fact, we didn’t deserve each other no matter how many times we tried.

Related: Caught In The Narcissist’s Trap: Rollercoaster Ride Of A Push-Pull Relationship

15. I finally had enough strength to go away.
    There was a strength we both had. Because we challenge each other. A relationship, even a toxic one, can only last if two people invest time and effort in each other.

And we did. And I think there were moments when we wanted it right. There were moments when the future seemed clear. It wasn’t all bad which is why I stuck around.

But sometimes two broken people come together who don’t build each other up but destroy each other in the end. I think that’s what happened.

16. He made me question everyone after him.
    There are always consequences to any storm that enters. The remaining wreckage and rebuilding are to be done. I spent a lot of time investing the same effort I had in him, to rebuild myself and treat him the way you treated him. There I found myself again.

To say that I walked without cuts would be a lie. I still find myself questioning good people and questioning their motives. I find myself distrusting people because I have never trusted them. I find myself jumping to conclusions and getting over insecurities at times.

Then I should take a step back and not be so wary and remind myself that everyone is not going to hurt me. Not everyone is looking to get something from my time and attention. Not everyone will leave even when I want to.