Unfortunately, the friends you cherish may be your biggest doubters. How they do it may not be obvious, which is why you need to be alert to these 15 signs of a secret hater’s “friend.”
Don’t know how to deal with them? I’ve included some tips on how to do this as well.
1) They are very judgmental towards you
Your true friend will support you, no matter how strange your choices are.
However, a secret hater will be quick to judge you – even if you did the morally right thing.
So why is your fake friend so judgmental towards you? Well, there are six possible reasons:
- It is easier to judge than to think.
- They think you are not part of the group identity. You like pink, they like blue.
- They are stuck in an echo chamber, only following information that reinforces their beliefs.
- They think they are superior to you.
- The project – project their feelings and thoughts onto the people around them (aka you).
- It’s their way of explaining the events that just happened.
2) They talk behind your back
A friend who talks behind your back is more than just a hater — it’s a brutal sign that they don’t respect you.
First, they may divulge your secret to others – something you told them confidentially.
Worse still, they may twist this story to make you appear in a negative light.
Additionally, a secret, hateful friend may easily talk bad things behind your back.
You can liken them to the perfect backstabber. Brutus to your Julius Caesar. Judas Iscariot to your Jesus Christ. You get my drift.
So how do you know if your fake friend is talking behind your back? Well, you need to be alert for these signs:
- Their personality has changed, and they act differently than they did before.
- The room becomes quiet the moment you enter. Unless you are a professor walking into the classroom, this should not be the case.
- They seem very uncomfortable around you.
- They act harsh or freeze the moment they see you. They can’t look directly into your eyes!
- They overcompensate, for example, by giving you hugs or smiling too much at you.
- They talk squat about their other colleagues. If they’re doing it with their “friends,” they’re probably doing it with you, too.
- Their body language is “closed” or anxious. Examples include crossing arms/legs, and frequently adjusting clothing or jewelry.
- You can’t shake the feeling that they are talking about you behind your back.
3) They keep lying to you
If your hating friend were Pinocchio in real life, his nose would have grown to a meter by now. That’s because their hobby is to keep lying to your face.
As for why, Dr. Bella DePaulo is quite frank with the answer: They are the problem, not you.
Most of the time, people lie to you because of your best qualities.
Related : 18 disturbing signs he is cheating on you with his ex
First, you may have high moral standards, but your hater friend doesn’t understand them. You don’t like people who lie, so they do it to challenge you.
You may also have attractive qualities that compel them to lie down through their teeth. They want to look more impressive than you. They think that lying to you keeps them one step ahead of you.
Talk about insecurity!
Honesty is one of the best qualities we can have. But what makes you unique?
To help you find the answer, we’ve created a fun quiz. Answer a few personal questions and we’ll reveal what your personality’s “superpower” is and how you can leverage it to live your best life ever.
Check out our new revealing test here.
4) They don’t seem to compliment you
Compliments are “little gifts of love.”
They are all about praise because you are telling the other person that you appreciate them. It can help improve your mood and amplify your positive thoughts.
Giving a compliment means being sincere.
In other words, he’s the exact opposite of your secret hater: fake, fake, fake.
Think about this: Why would a hater compliment you and make you feel good?
Instead, they will do the opposite, which will make you feel worse.
Even if you win the Nobel Prize, your friend’s secret hater won’t congratulate you. They will attribute your victory to your “luck” or your relationships.
They will make you feel like you can’t do amazing things on your own.
5) …or they give “backhanded” compliments instead
Finally, your friend gave you the compliment you always wanted! The only problem is that it’s a backhand.
In other words, it’s more of an insult than a compliment.
Here are some compliments your secret hater friend might give you:
“You look great. Have you lost weight?”
“You clean excellently!”
“You’re beautiful/handsome. What are you?”
“Your hair looks good slicked back. You should do it more often.”
“You don’t even look pregnant!”
“Wow, I’m already back at work! I wish I dared to leave my kids to a stranger, just like you.”
6) They are disrespectful – but in a very subtle way
In other words, they like to throw shade at you.
Journalist Anna Holmes describes it as “the art of the sideways insult.”
You may not notice it at first, but your so-called friend will try to disrespect you, make fun of you, or undermine you in a very subtle way. They’re your secret hater, remember?
Related : 14 blatant signs a married man is using you (and what to do next)
According to E. Patrick Johnson, who has written extensively on the art of throwing shade, this statement follows the “element of plausible deniability.”
This means that your “friend” is pretending that he or she does not mean to be rude or rude – when in fact he is.
Experts believe it’s all about “dominance and one-upmanship.”
And while throwing shade usually involves elaborate statements, secret hater friends don’t need to say much to throw shade at you, either.
You may not know it, but a simple comment like side eye or sips tea could be their way of talking trash about you.
It would be best to be vigilant, as they often cast shadows when you are not around.
7) They are very competitive – but not in a good way
In general, being competitive is a good thing. This allows you to work hard enough to reach your goals. Being competitive means that you will not back down from any challenge, no matter how difficult.
Unfortunately, being competitive often means doing whatever it takes, even at the other person’s expense.
However, your friend who hates competition may benefit from the drawbacks of this trait. These competitive people often appear arrogant, stubborn, and passive-aggressive.
They are so absorbed that they are full of themselves!
They may not know it, but they may be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder. This means they will feel stressed if they don’t “win” over others (which is you, in this case).
They don’t know how to deal with someone better than them. Instead of seeing your victory as a motivation in life, they see it as a humiliating defeat.
8) They are very sarcastic
Sarcasm is a playful or humorous attempt to mask judgment or hostility.
It’s no secret that it hurts to be on the receiving end of ridicule.
Not surprisingly, the name speaks for itself. It comes from the Greek word sarcasms, which means “to tear apart the flesh.”
Oh really.
First, receiving a sarcastic remark can make you anxious and defensive. You think you made a mistake, even if you didn’t.
In the end, you lose your trust in this person.
But why would your friend do this to you?
Well, sarcasm is a veiled attempt by your hater to hide his or her fear, anger, or hurt. They try to invalidate your feelings instead of admitting their mistake.
As I mentioned, it’s not you. It’s theirs!
Your hating, sarcastic friends are passive-aggressive people who can’t be real in their feelings. Most of the time, they are very afraid of the people they encounter.
In other words, they are unable to handle emotional intimacy.
It’s their disingenuous way of communicating, so they can “safely” ignore their disdain.
9) They are very petty towards you
Dr. Alex Alonso, author of The Price of Triviality, describes triviality as: “concerning or responding disproportionately to trivial or unimportant matters.”
In other words, a petty person is someone who gets upset over small things.
Wondering why your hater friend is so incredibly petty? According to a 2018 study by Ng and Levy, inattention is caused by internal states such as stress, anxiety, and even depression.
It may also be a sign of neuroticism.
This negative personality trait, as described by Costa and McCrae, revolves around “maladjustment and negative emotions, poor self-regulation or ability to manage stimuli, difficulty coping with stress, a strong reaction to perceived threat, and a tendency to complain.”
10) They don’t like to see you happy
A true friend will move mountains to make you happy. However, your enemy will do everything in his power to frustrate you.
First, they don’t care if you accomplish this or that. They’re more interested in your failed date or the project you bombed.
Yes, they are happier when you are sad or frustrated.
A hater won’t tell you anything good or encouraging. Instead of motivating you to do this or that, they will tell you to give up and not try again.
11) They are very negative – even about the most positive things
As mentioned earlier, a hater won’t like you to be happy. So, even if you have a reason to celebrate, they’ll turn it into a pity party instead.
Say you’re getting married. Instead of congratulating you on finding the love of your life, they’ll say, “Good luck. You’ll lose a lot of your freedom — and your money.”
And again, this negativity is about all of them – not about you.
According to Dr. Carey Barron, a negative person may be someone who is suffering inside. Their irritation and hostility may be signs of deep-rooted emotional problems.
12) They often disagree with you
Let’s say you’re planning a vacation with four friends. Three of them are subject to your trip dates, hotel selections, and activities.
But before you can all agree together, one ‘friend’ throws all your plans down.
Flights are very early. The hotel is very cheap. I’d rather we do this instead of that.
Although such disagreements are common among a group of friends, your friend will not agree with anything you say.
They don’t seem to like everything you suggest. More often than not, they will try to convince your other friends to disagree with you as well.
Pure haters do this to spite you. As you point out, these people can be very petty. They want to make you angry, even if they don’t completely disagree with what you’re saying.
It’s also their way of competing. They want you to bend to their desires. They want to end up winning the discussion, after all.
13) They don’t spend much time with you
Hanging out is one of the cornerstones of friendships. However, haters will spend as little time with you as possible.
They pretend to be busy doing this or that. But the fact of the matter is that they do what they want to do. And yes, that means not spending time with you.
They are trying to isolate you, which can deal a huge blow to your self-confidence and self-esteem.
14) They like to count your money
Your money, your rules, right?
On the other hand, a hateful secret friend cares more about your money than the IRS.
Let’s say you bought a $20 lipstick last week and another $20 tube this week.
Your fake friend will throw shade: “Wow, I wish I had money to spend on expensive lipstick every week.”
On the other hand, they might be very blunt about it: “Wow, how do you have the money to buy expensive lipstick every week?”
15) They never liked your social media posts – like ever
Liking social media posts is just like paying a compliment. And for the hater who would rather be caught dead than compliment you, the same rule applies.
First, likes on social media can be compared to eating chocolate.
When we post on social media, we are sharing ideas that will connect us to others. The more likes you get, the more dopamine will flow through your veins. This is the hormone responsible for your “psychological high.”
However, not getting social media access from a certain person — especially your friend — can affect your self-esteem.
According to one survey respondent: “As someone who feels anxious and sometimes struggles with self-esteem, the number of likes on my posts can be hugely encouraging or discouraging.”
This is what your hater wants – to make you doubt your self-confidence. They want you to be hurt by not giving you their stamp of approval. But remember, you don’t need to prove yourself.
They want you to second-guess yourself. And if you end up being very impressed, then they win.
