Unfortunately, the friends you love might be your biggest suspicions. How they do it may not be obvious, which is why you should be on the lookout for these 15 signs of a secret hating “boyfriend”.
Don’t know how to deal with them? I’ve included some tips on how to do that, too.
1) They are very judgmental of you
A true friend will support you no matter how strange your choices are.
However, a secret hater will be quick to judge you – even if you did the morally right thing.
So why is your pseudo-friend so judgmental of you? Well, there are six possible reasons:
Judging is easier than thinking.
They think you are not part of the group identity. She loves pink, they love blue.
They are stuck in an echo chamber – they only follow information that reinforces their beliefs.
They think they are better than you.
They project – they communicate their feelings and thoughts to the people around them (aka you).
It is their way of explaining the events that just happened.
2) They talk behind your back
A friend who talks behind your back is more than just a hater – it’s a brutal sign that they don’t respect you.
On the one hand, they may have spilled your secret to others – something you told them in confidence.
Even worse, they may spin this story to make you appear in a negative light.
Add to that, a secret hater friend might easily talk about things behind your back.
You can liken them to the quintessential backstabbing. Brutus for your Julius Caesar. Judas Iscariot to Jesus Christ. I got my drift.
How do you know if your fake friend is talking behind your back? Well, you should be alert to these signs:
Their personality has changed – they act differently than they did before.
The room calms down the moment you enter. Unless you’re a professor walking into class, this shouldn’t be the case.
They seem very uncomfortable around you.
They act stiff or freeze the moment they see you. They can’t look directly into your eyes!
They overcompensate by, for example, hugging you or smiling a lot at you.
They squat talk about their other comrades. If they’re doing it to their “friends,” it’s very likely that they’re doing it to you, too.
Their body language is “closed” or anxious. Examples include interlocking arms/legs, frequent alteration of clothing or jewelry.
You can’t get rid of the feeling that they are talking about you behind your back.
3) They keep lying to you
If your hater friend was the real Pinocchio, his nose would have grown to a meter by now. This is because their hobby is to keep lying to your face.
As for why, Dr. Bella DiPaolo is completely honest with the answer: They’re the problem, not you.
Most of the time people lie to you because of your best qualities.
First, you may have high moral standards — and your hater friend just doesn’t get it. You don’t like people who lie – so they do it to challenge you.
You may also have attractive qualities that compel them to lie through their teeth. They want to look more impressive than you. They think lying to you will put them one step ahead of you.
Talk about insecurity!
Being honest is one of the best qualities we can have. But what else makes you unique and exceptional?
To help you find the answer, we created a fun quiz. Answer a few personal questions and we’ll reveal what your “superpower” is and how you can use it to live your best life.
4) They can’t seem to compliment you
They are all about praise because you are telling the other person that you value them. It can help improve your mood and amplify your positive thoughts.
Courtesy is all about honesty.
In other words, it’s the exact opposite of your secret hater: she’s fake, fake, fake.
Think about this: why would a hater praise you and make you feel good?
Instead, they will do the opposite, which will make you feel worse.
Even if you win a Nobel Prize, your secret hater of a friend won’t congratulate you. They will credit your win to your “luck” or connections.
It will make you feel like you can’t do incredible things on your own.
5) …or give “back-of-hand” compliments instead
Finally, your boyfriend has given you the compliment you’ve always wanted! The only problem is that it’s backlit.
In other words, it’s more of an insult than a compliment.
Here are some heart-wrenching compliments your secret hater friend might throw at you:
6) They are disrespectful – but always in a subtle way
In other words, they love to throw shade at you.
Anna Holmes, the journalist, calls it “collateral insult art”.
You may not notice it at first, but your so-called boyfriend will try to disrespect you, make fun of you, or undermine you in a very subtle way. They’re secret haters, remember?
According to E. Patrick Johnson, who has written extensively on The Art of Throwing Shadow, it is a statement that follows an “element of plausible deniability.”
This means that your shadow thrower is a “friend” who pretends not to mean to be rude or rude – when in fact he is.
Experts believe it is all about “dominance and individual competition”.
And while throwing shade usually involves elaborations, secret haters friends don’t need to say much to throw shade at you either.
You may not know it, but a simple comment like side eye or sip your tea might be their way of talking trash about you.
It would be best to be on your guard, as they often shadow you when you are not around.
7) It’s very competitive – but not in a good way
In general, being competitive is a good thing. This allows you to work hard enough to reach your goals. Being competitive means you never back down from a challenge, no matter how tough.
Unfortunately, rivalry often means doing whatever it takes—even if it’s at the other person’s expense.
However, those who hate your competitive friend may take advantage of this trait’s shortcomings. These competitive people seem, for the most part, to be arrogant, rigid, and passive-aggressive.
They are so absorbed in being literally full of themselves!
They may not know it, but they may suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. This means that they get nervous if they don’t “win” against others (which is you, in this case).
They don’t know how to deal with someone better than themselves. Instead of viewing your victory as an incentive in life, they see it as a humiliating defeat instead.
8) They are very sarcastic
Sarcasm is a playful or humorous attempt to mask judgment or hostility.
It’s no secret that it hurts to be on the receiving end of ridicule.
Not surprisingly, the name speaks for itself. It comes from the Greek word sarcosmos, which means “to tear apart the flesh.”
Really ouch.
For example, receiving a sarcastic remark can make you anxious and defensive. You think you made a mistake, even if you didn’t.
In the end, you lose faith in this person.
But why would a friend do this to you?
Like I mentioned, not you. It’s them!
Your sarcastic hate friends are passive-aggressive people who can’t be true to their feelings. Most of the time, they are very afraid of people confronting them.
In other words, they are unable to handle emotional intimacy.
It’s their cloak-and-dagger way of communicating, so they can “safely” ignore their disdain.
9) They are very petty towards you
Dr. Alex Alonso, author of The Price of Frivolity, describes frivolity as: “concern with, or disproportionately dealt with, trivial or unimportant matters.”
In other words, a petty person is someone who gets angry over the little things.
Wonder why your hater friend is so incredibly petty? According to a 2018 study by Ng and Levy, pettiness is caused by internal conditions such as stress, anxiety, and even depression.
It may also be a sign of neuroticism.
These negative personality traits, as Costa and McCrae describe it, revolve around “poor adjustment and negative feelings, poor self-regulation or ability to manage urges, difficulty dealing with stress, strong reaction to perceived threat, and tendency to complain.”
10) They don’t like seeing you happy
A true friend will move mountains to make you happy. However, your enemy will do whatever it takes to keep you down.
First, they don’t care if you accomplish this or that. They are more interested in your failed date or the project you bombed.
Yes, they are happier when you are sad or down.
A hater won’t tell you anything good or encouraging. Instead of motivating you to do this or that, they will tell you to give up and never try again.
11) She is very negative – even about the most positive things
As mentioned, a hater will not love you to be happy. So even if you have reason to celebrate, they’ll turn it into a pity party instead.
Let’s say you are getting married. Instead of congratulating you on finding the love of your life, they will continue to say: “Good luck. You will lose a lot of your freedom – and you money.”
Again, this negativity is all about them — not about you.
According to Dr. Carrie Barron, a negative person may be someone who is struggling on the inside. Their irritation and hostility may be signs of deep-seated emotional problems.
12) They often disagree with you
Let’s say you’re planning a vacation with four friends. Three of them are compatible with flight dates, hotel options, and activities.
But before you can agree in unison, one “friend” drops all your plans.
The flights are very early. The hotel is very cheap. I’d rather do this instead.
While such disagreements are common among a group of friends, your enemy of enemies will not agree with anything you say.
They don’t seem to like everything you suggest. More often than not, they’ll try to get your other friends to disagree with you, too.
Pure haters do this to piss you off. As you point out, these people can be very petty. They want to provoke you, even if they don’t totally disagree with what you’re saying.
It’s also their way of competing. They want you to acquiesce to their wishes. They want to end up the winner of the debate, after all.
13) They don’t spend a lot of time with you
Hanging out is one of the cornerstones of friendships. However, haters will spend as little time as possible with you.
They pretend to be busy doing this or that. But the fact of the matter is that they do what they want to do. And yes, that is not spending time with you.
They are trying to isolate you, which can deal a serious blow to your self-confidence and self-esteem.
14) They love counting your money
Your money, your rules, right?
On the other hand, a secret hater friend cares more about your money than the IRS.
Let’s say you bought $20 worth of lipstick last week and another $20 tube this week.
Your fake friend either throws up: “Wow, I wish I had the money to spend on expensive lipstick every week.”
On the other hand, they may be very blunt about it: “Wow, how do you have the money to buy expensive lipstick every week?”
15) They’ve never liked your social media posts – like ever
Liking social media posts is just like being a compliment. And for the hater who’d rather be licked dead than complimented on you, the same rule applies.
When we post on social media, we are sharing thoughts/ideas that will connect us with others. The more likes you get, the more dopamine cycles through your veins. This is the hormone responsible for your “psychological high”.
However, not getting social media like a certain person — especially your friend — can take a toll on your self-esteem.
According to one young survey participant: “As someone who feels anxious and sometimes struggles with self-esteem, the number of likes on my posts can be hugely depressing or depressing.”
Obviously, that’s what your haters want – to make you question your own self-confidence. They want to hurt you by not giving you their stamp of approval. But remember, you don’t need to prove yourself.
They want you to second-guess yourself. And if it hits hard, it means they win.
