Were you raised by a narcissist or a parent who was neglectful and emotionally abusive? The effects of being raised by a narcissist are many, and this article will help you understand that.

Children of narcissistic parents often inherit a uniquely devastating legacy. If your father was a narcissist, this legacy may still affect you in ways that are difficult to detect.

The key step to abandoning an unhealthy upbringing is to break the links between the way you were brought up and your undesirable behaviors in the present.

The following are common behaviors among narcissistic parents. Select anything you may have.

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Signs I was raised by a narcissist

When you were growing up, one or both of your parents did:

• Give gifts with an attached string.
• Tell them to trust them, and then disappoint or betray you?
• Dominate conversations or highlight family?
• Rarely do you seem satisfied.
• Criticize or undermine your decisions and choices?
• Does he seem happy to spoil your good mood or your big moments?
• Appear emotionally immature or ignorant of other people’s feelings?
• Rarely do they apologize, admit they were wrong, or take responsibility.
• Need to win, even at your own expense?
• Preventing you from disagreeing with them, or punishing you for it?
• Use guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first?
• Cultivate dissonance, gaslighting, and drama in your family?
• Acting like a martyr and attracting attention or sympathy?
• Deduction or mockery of your emotions, desires, and needs?
• Leave you feeling helpless, trapped, unloved, or hopeless?
• Be punitive, distant, or withdrawn when resentful?
• Display positions in black and white, all or nothing?
• Act magnanimously with strangers but ignore your needs?
• Do you appear sensitive to real or imagined wear?

Parental behaviors like these have lasting effects. For example, if your father has used, manipulated, or shamed you, how come you sometimes do not find it difficult to trust others even years later?

If you are not constantly seen or appreciated for who you were, does it make sense that you might get excited when you feel discounted or misunderstood as an adult?

If you are having a hard time making decisions, it may be related to a parent’s cynicism or unpredictability of your options.

Below are examples of unhealthy patterns you may encounter in adulthood, along with possible connections to your childhood.

As an adult, you do this sometimes. . .

Traits of a child raised by a narcissist

1. Find it hard to let go, laugh, or be spontaneous?
   Possible connection: Your parents’ controlling, self-absorbed, or unexpected behavior has put you on high alert to protect yourself.
2. Feel unworthy?
   Possible connection: Your father treated you like a second-class citizen or made you feel small.

Related: Why You MUST Cut Ties With A Toxic Family Member

3. Feel uncomfortable when good things happen?
   Possible connection: Your father spoiled the good moments with selfish behavior, or gave you attention or gifts with strings attached.

4. At first you idealize the people you meet, and then inevitably feel let down by them.
   Possible connection: Your father acted magnanimously with strangers but ignored your needs.
5. Are you worried about confrontations with others?
   Possible connection: Your father has blocked or punished you for speaking out.

6. Struggling to feel close to others even when you want to?
   Possible connection: Your parents have regularly pulled or rejected you for no apparent reason.
7. Please others at your expense?
   Possible connection: Your parent forced you to put their needs first, or made you feel guilty for your own needs.
8. Feel drawn to turmoil rather than harmony in your relationships?
   Possible connection: Your family has been a model for drama, scapegoating, and disharmony.

9. Judge yourself harshly?
   Possible connection: Your father has often been critical of or dissatisfied with you.
10. Calm yourself through binge drinking, eating, shopping, or other compulsive behaviors?
    Possible connection: Your parents’ behavior has left you feeling unloved, trapped, lonely, or hopeless.
11. Do you trust others unwisely or, on the contrary, find it difficult to trust even when you want to?
    Possible connection: Your father convinced you to trust them, and then betrayed you.

Related: 6 Signs You Are in A Fake Relationship

12. Believe that dysfunction in relationships is normal or unavoidable?
    Possible connection: Your parent lied, stonewalled, held grudges, or never took responsibility for their actions.

13. Feel numb or have trouble recognizing your feelings?
    Possible connection: Your father downplayed or ridiculed your emotions, or attacked you because you had felt they didn’t like you.
14. See others as weak, or see yourself as too much?
    Possible connection: Your parents acted like a martyr or collapsed due to your healthy independence.
15. Do you feel overly sensitive around qualified, arrogant, or manipulative people?
    Possible connection: Your parents’ desperate need for attention has used up the emotional oxygen in your family.

Human behavior is complex, and it would be simplistic to say that just because your dad did an A, you would automatically do a B. But years of being on the receiving end of narcissistic parenting can have a negative impact.

How do you recover from growing up with a narcissistic father?

As children, acknowledging the dysfunction of the family when we have little strength to do anything about it can be devastating. As a result, we may ignore unhealthy patterns, believe what we see as normal, blame ourselves, or look for a way to escape.

These coping strategies may help us emotionally to survive a difficult childhood—and it is important to honor everything that helped us survive childhood—but these same coping strategies may manifest later in self-defeating ways like some of the 15 patterns mentioned above.

As an adult, forming bonds like this may trigger feelings such as anger, sadness, or dread. But if your upbringing was difficult, it does not mean that you suffered irreparable damage or that your life will always be difficult. None of the Thirteen Styles is a life sentence. Everyone has challenges in life. Some of the above tendencies may present challenges.

Related: What Is Obsessive Love Disorder: Signs, Causes, And How To Cope

However, a difficult upbringing does not mean that you will suffer irreparable damage or that your life will always be difficult.

If you notice that you have fallen into one or more of the above patterns, the following steps may help:

Know that the past is alive in the present. Worrying feelings or counterproductive behaviors like the 15 above could be a sign that your parents’ decades-old narcissism is trying to get into your current life. Your parents may want their legacy to last forever. Don’t let it.
Put the responsibility and accountability right. Narcissistic parents may blame you for their problems and use you to please them. But let’s be honest: Your parents were adults and were responsible for their actions, no matter how much they avoided taking responsibility. At the same time, you are now an adult, and you are responsible for what you do with your life.
Ask for support. There are endless resources to help you move forward. Psychotherapy excels at identifying and breaking unhealthy connections with the past. Support groups and 12-step programs provide a community of support and provide opportunities to learn how others deal with similar situations. Self-help books allow you to explore deep problems at your own pace.
Ask yourself empowering questions such as:
“What is the best way to take care of me in this situation?”
“Is this how I want to treat myself or see others?”
“Who do I want to be, and what do I want to represent now?”

If all else fails and you’re not sure what to do in any given situation, simply ask yourself what your parents might have done in the same situation, or maybe they told you to do.

Related: The 10 Types of Toxic Relationships You Should Avoid At All Costs