Are you dating or have you been dating a narcissist?
First of all: I’m sorry.
What a horrible experience.
I’ve been there and I know exactly how toxic, tiring, and full of frustration this type of relationship can be.
My last relationship before my current one was a toxic nightmare fueled by narcissism.
Every day is like lifting a huge weight uphill. Then your partner criticizes you for not pulling the weight faster or better or for smiling more.
Yak. Yak. Yak.
But whether you are still in that relationship or have broken up, I want to give you these tips to completely break up with the narcissist and move on with your life.
1) Face the facts
You can’t address a problem if you don’t acknowledge it.
First you have to face the facts:
You are emotionally attached to someone who is sick, exploitative, and bad for you.
Narcissists are not just “annoying” or difficult to live with.
They are emotionally destructive to everyone around them and are not equipped for a mature relationship.
We all have challenges in love and finding the right person!
The narcissist is different:
He or she has a worldview so distorted that it is impossible to talk to them about why.
I am sure you have tried and failed many times. I was there, like you said…
So, first of all you really need to face the facts about narcissism. It generally comes from a deep insecurity and need to experience constant attention and validation.
This need is boundless and it is up to the narcissist to recognize and address their issues, not you.
Realize that you are worried about someone who is truly unfaithful to you and who is not suitable to date or be with right now.
Reading about narcissism and what it is can be a great idea here too.
As relationship expert Nicole Smith writes:
They exploit or take advantage of others for personal gain. They require constant nourishment from their egos, and thus crave excessive admiration.”
2) fly coop
If you want to follow the easy steps to emotionally detach from a narcissist, you first need to get the hard stuff out of the way.
You need to actually leave the narcissist and be somewhere different, away from him.
Obviously, this will be much more difficult if you have children together, or share finances, a home, or other tangible connections (which I’ll get to later in the article).
The main thing is that you cannot stay physically close to a narcissist if you want to detach emotionally from them.
You need to create physical distance from them and start building a new and different life somewhere else outside of their clutches.
You also need to limit the amount of contact you have, because the narcissist will often use social media and networking to keep in touch and slowly bring you back…
They often work with you slowly and then pounce when you’re in a moment of loneliness or sadness, for example.
Sever those ties physically, and then cut the digital and connectivity side as well. It will not help you at all to stay in touch more than is absolutely necessary.
3) Find support
Now dealing with a narcissist is not fun at all. You will need support.
What makes this twice as important is that those who fall in love with a narcissist often have some kind of inner doubt or desire to feel needed and wanted.
Maybe we didn’t receive enough love as children or we feel this narcissist is charming and attractive.
We fall in love with a narcissist who seems to want our praise, admiration, and appreciation.
Narcissists often tend to first come across as charismatic and charming, with lots of infectious energy.
But they don’t actually care about you or the love and attention you give them:
You are just a surrogate source of attention, affection, and resources for them. You are not special.
They just want to shower you with this luxurious love and attention. They don’t care about you.
Realizing that this is a huge disappointment.
And you will need friends, family, and resources including possible therapy and additional spiritual help to overcome the torture the narcissist will put you thro
The extra spiritual help I mentioned in the last step is very important here.
When we start looking for answers to life’s deeper questions, there are a lot of people who give their opinions.
Motivational classes, books, seminars, retreats, you name it…
Some are good, don’t get me wrong.
But there are also some really disturbing trends that I’ve encountered in the new age and spiritual movement.
I call it “toxic spirituality” and it’s basically where teachers blame your problems on having bad reactions.
He’s a bachelor.
The truth is, many of these teachers themselves are narcissistic and trap you in a cycle where you feel the need for their praise or approval to be complete or valid.
You don’t need it!
In fact, you should run away from those who try to break you down and tell you that you are broken or “low vibration”.
Instead, I encourage everyone to watch this impressive free video from shaman Rudá Iandê.
Rhoda himself fell into the New Age “Law of Attraction” type of movement and ended up frustrated and disappointed.
But he found a new way to rediscover your credibility and personal strength that doesn’t depend on vibrations or “positive thinking”.
If you’re dealing with a breakup and a narcissist leaving you behind, these are spiritual truths you need to hear for yourself.
Check out the free video here.
5) Flip the text
Script flipping is crucial when dealing with a narcissist who is obsessed with you being attached to them.
You need to get to the root of what connects you to this person and the desire and pain you feel for them.
What is the essence of it?
Learn about all aspects of physical, emotional, energetic and self-creation.
Do you have a perfect version of this person? Do you feel you can save them or be their hero?
What confines you to the course?
Identify these traps and then flip the script.
Imagine that you were behaving as the narcissist does. Will he stay with you, love you, stay faithful to you?
This will reveal to you how imbalanced the relationship and love can be, and can often be the brutal cold water shock you need to wake up from the narcissist’s attachment trance.
6) Take your side
When you are emotionally attached to a narcissist, you make a habit of hearing them out, standing by them and being there for them as much as possible.
A little oldie can get left behind in the process, which is part of what’s so sad about falling in love with a narcissist.
You end up selling yourself short and engaging in a process of self-abandonment.
This can relate to really painful and toxic patterns of unworthiness that really hurt you and create a downward spiral for your future relationships as well.
Falling into the narcissist’s trap can create negative momentum and make it easier for it to happen again and again.
This is not good.
This is why you have to take your side and think about your own self-interest.
The narcissist is trying to make you feel that your life and your worth depends on how well you care and take care of them.
But what about you?
Take your side.
List your most important needs and priorities apart from this person. Then go after them.
7) Handle your relationships with care and caution
Like I said, sometimes you may have joint property with a narcissist or you may have children together.
This definitely makes it difficult to separate, and you should really be careful and communicate with caution when children are involved.
Separation and divorce are very painful and can do a lot of psychological damage to youngsters and teens.
But in the end I admit that I really respect those who made the difficult decision to break up when their relationship was toxic and unhealthy.
In the end, this is often better for the kids involved, too.
Just make sure that you try to avoid loud fights and angry scenes in front of children and that parting takes place without as few public scenes as possible.
8) Cut out your inner critic
If you are romantically involved with a narcissist, you often have an inner critic who is like your own worst enemy and always has your ear.
I know because I’ve been there.
Your inner critic will likely be similar to the narcissist themselves in many ways:
It tells you that you are a bad person, and that you need to be more understanding, more patient, and more loving towards the narcissist.
It tells you that you will regret leaving them or moving on, and that you will never meet a better person.
This inner critic cannot be forced to silence.
But you can make the conscious and sustained effort to discipline this inner critic.
It’s just that your inner doubts and insecurities come to the surface and try to plunge you back into old and unnecessary patterns of conformity and submission to the narcissist.
Hear your inner critic. Then ignore it. You have the right to live your life and not be toxically attached to a narcissist.
9) Take care of your body and mind
Taking your own side and writing down your top priorities will definitely involve taking care of your mind and body.
This means putting those priorities first ensuring you stay as healthy and sane as possible.
Dealing with a narcissist’s attachment can take a toll on your physical and mental health, which is why rebuilding these two sides is an essential part of moving on.
You can’t really gain the self-esteem and independence of a narcissist until you find out and put your strengths to play.
10) Control your own destiny
Taking care of yourself and flipping a script is all about taking control of your own destiny.
The narcissist will make you feel like a betrayal or letting them down by caring about yourself.
The problem is, as I wrote, that no matter how sincere your love and affection for a narcissist, he will never get enough.
You are just a resource for narcissists for their self-constancy and inner emptiness.
This is why they should face their issues and deal with them themselves, instead of trapping you into a codependent nightmare.
For your part, you better control your own destiny.
Taking care of yourself is the beginning…
Apply to find and pursue your goal…
Besides not letting anyone into your inner sanctuary who tries to twist and manipulate your emotions the way a narcissist does.
You deserve better, and you’ll get it when you demand better, nothing less.
11) Write this down
When you break up or break up with a narcissist, a lot of drama tends to set in.
They will use guilt, shame, seduction, threats, jokes, and friendship to try to win you back into supplying them with the attention and affection they crave.
To escape the course, you need to place your feet on solid ground.
Narcissists are the ultimate revisionist historians.
The past is all they say and they will make you out to be the ultimate bad guy if they want to misrepresent you.
Write down the main events or issues so that the next time they try to talk you into a circle, you’ll have written a documentation of what really happened.
This is not much to show a narcissist. You’d better show yourself what really happened so you don’t fall headlong into the gaslighting nightmare again.
Write down the warnings for yourself so that you will recognize the tricks the narcissist is trying to get rid of when you walk away from them.
12) Eliminate any financial appropriation
The money and possessions you share with the narcissist can be very binding.
If you are somewhat financially dependent on the narcissist, you may end up entrapping yourself emotionally or in a romantic relationship.
You’re confusing feelings with financial needs in this situation, and this is a very dangerous place to be.
A narcissist with financial control will often use their money to exert control and manipulate their partner(s).
This is not the position you want to be in.
If you’re in this situation, you’ll want to get out of it as quickly (and completely) as possible.
Start by finding a job you can do or someone who can loan you money on an emergency basis until you are completely out of the narcissist’s grasp.
You do not want to be in a situation where you are emotionally moved but still need payments or financial assistance from the narcissist.
This leaves them with a great deal of power over your life and allows them many avenues to come back when you are in a vulnerable moment.
13) Watch your mindset
While you’re going through the process of breaking up with a narcissist, you’re stressed about taking your side and tuning in to our inner critic.
There is no really “correct” answer here, except to pay attention to the dynamics.
If you’re not really emotionally ready for something new and jump into it as a getaway or quick fix, then you need to be single for a moment.
If you are moving into a more healthy mutual relationship with someone who is mature and won’t take advantage of you like a narcissist, this could be an ideal side step.
Welcome new relationships and romantic or friendship opportunities that come into your life.
Just make sure they are not oases trying to convince you to grow your own personality and journey.
There is no substitute for self-work and developing your rock-solid sense of self and purpose.
Breaking up with the narcissist is about defining your own worth and not becoming dependent in a toxic way.
As such, it is best to only get into something new when you feel ready and when you feel it will be productive and valuable.
15) Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
Life is all about learning. But I think I speak for all of us when I say we hope for the day when it’s a little less learning and a little less living and loving!
To hasten the advent of that blessed day, it is important to build yourself into the strong person you can be and cut ties with those who turn away from you and tap into your most dependent instincts.
This is not healthy love, to be romantically attached to a narcissist. Nothing will bring you true fulfillment or true meaning to your life.
You cannot be in a relationship or in love with someone who does not value you.
Breaking free from the narcissist’s physical and emotional grip may take some time, but it’s not as impossible or terrible as the narcissist would have you believe.
Don’t give them that power. Don’t give up.
Live your life and set your own standards. You have no obligation to remain in this emotional bond.
Remember, too, that there is more life left to live in healthy, empowering relationships than to swim around the swamp waters of narcissism.
Darling, goodbye, goodbye
The easy steps above to emotionally detach from a narcissist are not always a piece of cake.
But if you believe in yourself and firmly believe in the fact that you are not responsible for the well-being or life of a narcissist, you are jumping right back where you started.
You don’t owe anyone anything.
You don’t need to stay in this relational dynamic.
You have the absolute right to live your life, find a partner, and connect yourself romantically with someone who truly respects and loves you.
