Every now and then, you’ll see a story on the news — a domestic abuse situation where the victim was assaulted but immediately returned to their abuser. When that happens, we wonder why this person would return to such a toxic situation. We judge them and wonder how they could possibly have so little common sense.

We make these dogmatic statements because most of us have never been in a relationship with a narcissist and don’t understand their ability to convince their victims.

We’ve also never experienced narcissistic cleaning techniques — the ways they reframe their abuse and tell you it won’t happen again. Until we’ve experienced them, there’s no way to understand how difficult it is to walk away.

In this article, I’ll explain what this concept is and give you 15 examples of narcissistic cleaning that narcissists frequently use.

NarcissisticVacuumCleaningExplained

The name says it all — like a vacuum cleaner, they pull you back into the relationship after a period of narcissistic abuse or narcissistic rage.

They use a variety of tactics ranging from manipulation and deception to outpourings of love to outright threats. In all cases, it’s about regaining control and preventing the person from leaving the relationship.

The classic cycle of a narcissistic (abusive) relationship develops from the narcissist idealizing their source of supply, then devaluing them, before finally getting rid of them.

But not every getting rid of them is final, and cleaning up is a way to tap back into that source of supply. To paraphrase Al Pacino, “Just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in.”

Why Do Narcissists Vacuum?

Narcissists face an uncomfortable dilemma: On the one hand, they need supply—attention, praise, and respect—but they also tend to lash out at those who provide them, especially when they’re challenged.

It’s hard for them to maintain a source of supply, so it pays to know who will stick around after a few bouts of narcissistic rage; that’s where over-exploitation comes in.

It’s much easier to exploit a previous source of supply than it is to find a new one. The narcissist already knows their victim’s quirks and weaknesses, which they can use to extract more supply from them.

“15 Examples of Narcissistic Manipulation

Narcissistic manipulation comes in a variety of forms, which can make it very difficult for the targets to know what’s going on in the moment. They often realize too late how the narcissist has been manipulating them all along.

1. Threat

This is perhaps the most obvious manipulation technique, and while it can be very scary, it leaves no question about the narcissist’s intentions. They often use phrases like:

“I’ll destroy you”

“I’ll take the kids”

“Without me, you’ll have nothing”

These words are designed to make you think that life without the narcissist would be worse, much worse. Scary scenarios like losing your home, your kids, or your money prevent you from thinking clearly about how devastating life with the narcissist is and how much power they actually have to get back at you.

Related : 5 Risky Ways To Get Revenge on a Narcissist

In addition, if you’re in physical danger, don’t assume that appeasing the narcissist will keep you safe. Extricating yourself from the toxic relationship is the only way to ensure that.

2. Use children or mutual friends as a first step

The simplest solution to dealing with a narcissist is to walk away and not contact them. But this is easier said than done; it’s nearly impossible if you share a close circle of friends and impossible if you share custody of a child.

The narcissist will invent problems for the person you care about and use them as an excuse to continue contact. The problem may be imaginary or exaggerated—anything to lower your guard so they can get back into your life.

“Our son is struggling in school, have you been reviewing his homework with him?”

“I think (our friend) really needs someone to be with right now. Do you want to come with me?”

3. Fake Casual Contact

Narcissists know that you don’t want to have anything to do with them after they’ve dumped them. Many will make up harmless reasons to see or talk to you, such as visiting places in town that you’re known to frequent or calling you “by accident.”

This form of stalking is very similar to stalking, but it’s done in a way that you can’t prove the narcissist is intentionally contacting you. Once they’re in your presence or on the phone, they’ll ask probing questions about how your life is going after the breakup. If they find a weakness, they’ll exploit it to keep you attached to them and provide them with supplies.

4. Holding on to Your Possessions

If you’ve ever been through a breakup where you had to move, you know how awkward it can be to pick up all your stuff. You might send a friend to do it or ask your ex not to be around while you pack, but these tactics won’t work with narcissists. Not only will they remind you of everything you may have left at their house, they’ll make sure to notice anything of theirs that you have in your possession.

“I left some books here, do you want to come get them?”

“You have one of my shirts, I need you to return it.”

But it’s not about the stuff; it’s just an easy talking point that forces you to stay in touch with them. If you’ve recently broken up with a narcissist, make sure to sort out any belongings either of you may have so you can move on as quickly as possible.

5. Boost Your Ego

The most common reason people fall in love with a narcissist is the excessive flattery that occurs early in the relationship (love bombing). Narcissists can be charming and during the idealization phase, their love for you seems to know no bounds.

Unfortunately, they only like how you make them feel by providing for them, and that feeling is fleeting. When feelings cool, devaluation and disposal occur. To get you back into their orbit, the narcissist returns to that idealization stage, where they long for the initial supply you provided and the feelings that came with it.

6. Remember the Past

Few of us fall in love with an abuser—there is usually at least a brief moment at the beginning of the relationship when everything went well. When a narcissist wants to get you back into their life, they will remind you of the good times, hoping that you will forget everything that followed.

It helps to keep in mind that a narcissist’s most recent behavior is a better indicator of their future actions than those warm moments from the beginning of the relationship.

7. Promise of a Better Future

What’s the one thing we always hear from domestic violence survivors about their abusers? When they attack, they say they won’t do it again, only to repeat the same cycle over and over again.

While people can certainly change, when narcissists say they will change, it’s rarely a sincere commitment.

8. Calling on memorable dates

“I just thought I’d call you because it’s your birthday, and I hope you’re having a great time.”

“Today was our three-year anniversary and it got me thinking…”

On the surface, this behavior seems kind of nice—they’re thinking about you. Unfortunately, their concern for your well-being is just a veneer.

Related : How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?

This is an opportunity for them to call you, appear like a good person, and keep you in touch. In doing so, the narcissist may be looking for information about how you’re feeling/how you’re doing, which they can use to manipulate you into further contact.

9. One Last Conversation

This is a tactic often used when you haven’t been in touch with the narcissist since a breakup, and the narcissist will use it to try to convince you.

“I have a few things I want to say, and then we can go our separate ways.”

“I really need to explain something.”

The conversation that follows doesn’t provide closure or help clear up misunderstandings. The narcissist lures you in with the prospect of an end to their narcissistic abuse—just endure one last conversation.

But it’s not the last call, and the content of the conversation will change dramatically from what you expected. It’s all about luring you back into the relationship. A similar tactic might be for the narcissist to say they “need to see you one last time.”

10. Communicate skillfully

Have you ever had an ex who continued to like your Facebook or Instagram posts long after you broke up and stopped talking? Notifications keep popping up with their name, and you can’t help but think about them and what their intentions behind those likes are.

Narcissists are experts at this mind game and they know that the more time you spend thinking about them, the more likely you are to get back into the relationship.

11. Appealing to Religious Beliefs

Narcissists often use their victims’ faith against them, twisting their beliefs to keep them in the relationship longer.

“I was praying, and God told me we were meant to be together.”

“Divorce is a deadly sin.”

“You turned your back on Jesus, I can help you find him again.”

Our religious faith contains some of our deepest beliefs. When a narcissist hijacks the power of those beliefs, forcing us to choose between staying with them or outwardly opposing our faith, it can be devastating.

Fortunately, faith can also provide you with a community of people who care about you and provide much-needed perspective on your relationship with the narcissist.

12. Overlooking Past Abuse

Here, the narcissist pretends that nothing negative happened between you or minimizes it to the point of irrelevance. Past emotional abuse will be dismissed as a “phase” or “minor argument,” when in reality it was a series of one-sided attacks.

The narcissist has created a new reality where both of you were at fault. Such tactics also make you question the severity of the abuse and whether you overreacted to it. As a result, you are more likely to accept it in the future.

13. Destroying Your Self-Esteem

By definition, narcissists are highly skilled at promoting themselves and all of their positive qualities. Many are also adept at finding fault within you, pointing out that you will never find someone better. They will attack the weakest elements of your personality and pounce on the qualities you hold most dear.

“You’re a terrible mother, and the kids would be better off without you”

“Everyone at your job hates you and knows you’re the worst employee”

14. Bring in a third party

Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and recruiting an army of flying monkeys is one of their favorite tactics. The narcissist will seek out your mutual friends, family members, or even work acquaintances if they can, and use them to pressure you to get back into the relationship.

The narcissist may mention how much they miss you, how good things were, or even blame you for the breakup. Using unintentional contacts against you is especially damaging because it starts to feel like you have no one who can empathize with your problems.

The narcissist’s hope is that you will eventually get back together instead of being ostracized by friends and family who think the relationship is going well.

15. Threaten to harm themselves

One of the quickest ways a narcissist can lower your guard is by threatening to harm themselves. This puts the victim in a position of responsibility, where they feel that walking away is immoral.

“I’ll kill myself if you leave me”

“I’ve been self-harming since we broke up”

This tactic is particularly damaging because you can’t be sure whether the narcissist is using these threats to control you or whether there is a real possibility of self-harm. If suicide is mentioned, call the police.

Related : The Toxic Narcissistic Family Dynamics Explained

While you should never feel responsible for the narcissist’s actions, this is a good way to remove responsibility from yourself, without feeling guilty about walking away.

How to combat vacuuming?

There are many forms of vacuuming, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The best thing you can do for yourself is simply acknowledge that it is happening.

If you feel like you are being manipulated in some way, you are definitely being manipulated and it is best to cut off contact as soon as possible.

With these 15 examples of how narcissists act while vacuuming, you’ll get a better idea of ​​how to recognize this behavior. You can read more about this behavior in our next article: Why Narcissists Won’t Leave You Vacuuming Alone.