Ah, this perpetual dating black hole: the asshole.
They don’t call when they say they will. It does not appear when expected. They reflect on social gatherings with friends and family. You’re pretty sure they’re cheating on you in office cubicles, toilet stalls, and maybe even in your bed.
There are some people for whom the color dyed in Charmaine Ash*ly does not hold any magic. These annoyingly emotionally healthy people kick Ashles to the curb as soon as they disappoint them for the first time.
Then there are the rest of us. We will gladly suffer for weeks, months, or years at a time. I’ve been an Ashle-magnet for about 10 years. Ashles can smell my needy codependency from 100 miles away as the crow flies.
It took me those ten years to figure out exactly what kind of musky mop I was emitting to get rid of it. And so I discovered the 14 reasons why you’re attracting the wrong people.
Transition Counseling Services offers this list of personality traits common in partners of abusers:
- You have a strong need for love and affection.
- You have low self-esteem.
- You are addicted to alcohol or drugs.
- You have a background of emotional abuse.
- I was a grown-up child.
- You have dependent personality disorder.
- You gain a sense of self-worth by taking care of your butt.
- You cannot set boundaries.
- You have difficulty expressing anger.
- You think things will change if you try harder.
- You have made repeated and unsuccessful attempts to leave the relationship.
- You had parents who were unable to take responsibility for their behavior and actions.
- You are a very sensitive person.
(I’ll feel the feelings I think you’re feeling when you don’t feel anything at all.)
In her article “The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists,” Deborah Ward of Psychology Today says:
“What is it about sensitive people and narcissists who create such attraction and leave such a trail of destruction? HSPs are compassionate and empathetic by nature. We feel the pain of others instinctively and want to help. Additionally, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart for their benefit.”
Highly sensitive people can feel so intense love and compassion for people that they believe our love can heal others. Others are often surprised and relieved when they receive so much love and understanding and respond with immense gratitude and often flattery.
Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about themselves, feeling needed, and thus giving more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we have nothing left and getting nothing in return, in the mistaken belief that if we just give a little more, it will be enough.
I recommend reading the full article. It demystifies the relationship that makes me attracted to you with Assh*le.
- You have an intergenerational sensitivity to assholes.
Ash*lery tolerance is a genetic predisposition. Like all forms of abuse, from simple events — unpredictability and inconsistency — to the most extreme, traumatic physical assault — cycles of abuse can continue across generations. Those of us who come from generations of elderly people are most at risk of developing veteran illness. He can somehow smell our doorman from a mile away.
I come from a long line of men and women who loved Ashles.
My paternal great-grandmother was married to an alcoholic who wouldn’t come home from work on weeknights but stayed home on weekends to get blotto. He terrified his children so much that they hid under the house.
My paternal grandfather was a good man and, unfortunately, had a severe gambling addiction. This forced my father to start working at the age of seven, and no matter how much money my father made, it would never be enough to make him feel secure.
My maternal grandmother was married three times. Her second marriage was to a skirt-chaser who would marry seven times before taking his last breath.
My mother’s first husband, Nick, seemed to be the mold from which I painted my long-term car. Nick spent most of his marriage to my mother lying, cheating, and generally being a moody bastard who was angry with her because she was angry with him when he acted like an idiot.
In turn, my mother became so involved in the drama of this marriage that she was not always a present mother and ultimately could not be my primary guardian, so I had to move in permanently with my father and stepmother when I was nine years old. I’m proud to say that my mother broke the generational cycle of emotional abuse when she married her last husband and true love, Guido.
Despite the best efforts of my ancestors, by the time I reached dating age, I had internalized the inconsistency, neglect, lying, cheating, and disrespect on a cellular level. Because these behaviors were so familiar to me, and because these behaviors felt right at home, it became nearly impossible for me to avoid jerks and find true love.
If you come from generations of jerks, you too may not be able to define acceptable behavior.
Although the pain of being a victim of this abuse in all its different forms and extremes is no laughing matter, we must be able to find the humor in our situations.
This is one of the first indicators that there’s hope for us because we’re resilient and willing to get into the audience of our own lives long enough to see how ridiculous our lives have become. And from this humble place, change is possible.
