If you’ve ever been with a narcissist, you understand the immediate struggle of feeling disrespected and manipulated. At the same time, you know what it feels like to desperately hope that they will change their ways.
Narcissistic victim syndrome can occur when you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person. This relationship can be either familial, romantic or platonic. Often, people do not realize they are in this whirlwind until they are fully immersed in it.
Insight is the key. It is important to know if you are in the middle of this vicious cycle. Let’s review some of the telltale signs.
1 – You hope things will get better
The narcissist makes all those promises in disguise. They assure you that they will change and be the person they always wanted to be. And you want to believe them – of course you do!
This fantasy is not only illogical, but it can also be dangerous. You allow the narcissist to mistreat you with the excuse that it won’t go on like this forever. Plus, you’re neglecting your own emotional well-being based on what could happen in the future.
Make no mistake about it – narcissists are not stupid. They know what you want.
They spend a great deal of time and energy learning about your interests and desires. But this is all part of their calculated approach. They don’t want to know these things to make you happy. They want to know these things in case they need to use them against you.
2 – Make comments like, “That’s just the way it is.”
Some people may argue that they have accepted the narcissist’s behavior. This can happen whether you are in a narcissistic friendship or trying to reconcile with a narcissistic ex.
And even if you accept their behavior, do you assume that they bear no accountability for their actions? Is it fair to embrace their character even if it hurts others?
Oftentimes, people with narcissistic victim syndrome try to convince themselves that they need to be more accepting. Oftentimes, narcissists reinforce this idea by trying to make you feel sorry for them. They may exaggerate trauma or hardship just to gain your sympathy and approval.
3 – lie to others about what is happening
Do you underestimate stress at home? Are you making it sound like everything is peachy?
This lie is intended to serve several purposes. First, you may not want others to judge you or your relationship with the narcissist. You also don’t want others to feel sorry for you. Then, you might try to convince yourself that things aren’t that bad.
4 – You question your reality (often)
I never said that. You must have misunderstood me.
I think you are overreacting. No one else would think that way.
This is madness. You are irrational.
Narcissists are experts at illuminating the people around them. Gaslighting occurs when a narcissist makes you “go crazy.” Instead of taking personal responsibility for their actions, they place the blame on you.
Over time, gaslighting becomes so popular that you naturally do it yourself. In other words, you feel guilty even before you say a word.
5 – You no longer feel that you have an identity
Narcissists can appear larger than life, and their energy often explodes around them.
When you get caught up in drama, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs, preferences, and desires. This is especially true in romantic relationships, where the narcissist’s priorities always come first.
After a few months or years in this pattern, you may start to give up completely. It is more convenient to do whatever you want without making a fuss.
6 – You drug yourself
Whether with drugs or alcohol, compulsive shopping, or food, many people drug themselves to escape their feelings. If you suffer from these habits, it may be a sign of narcissistic victim syndrome. You may feel so helpless that you choose to run away from yourself rather than deal with painful feelings.
Unfortunately, narcissists tend to quickly identify this behavior. However, they can then use it against you in statements like, you are an alcoholic! You spend all my money. I can’t believe you gained this much weight – you let yourself down.
Of course, such neglect causes tremendous shame. Shame then encourages you to engage in those drugged behaviors even more!
7 – You feel exhausted all the time
It’s no secret that being with a narcissist can be tiring! They need a lot of energy and attention – even if they are sitting in the same room as you.
Plus, you’re always “on the alert” around them. At any moment, their mood may change and they will expect you to respond.
Or they may suddenly change plans and want you to go along with them. It may feel like you’re running on a treadmill and getting nowhere.
8 – You start collecting more and more fights with them
Sometimes, victims want to “prove themselves” by arguing with narcissists. At first glance, this seems like a step in the right direction. You may feel empowered!
But when you’re arguing with a narcissist, you’re not in the same ballpark. You are not playing the same game in the same state! You’re in their world, and they make the rules (and then change them whenever they want).
It’s almost like arguing with a toddler, except we all know that toddlers eventually grow up! The narcissist stays the same.
9- You are constantly trying to make changes to impress them
Are you on another diet? Have you decided to keep the house immaculate 24/7? Are you committed to becoming a more patient wife or mother?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself. You deserve to feel happy and healthy, and achieving goals can boost your confidence. But keep in mind that a narcissist is talented at making you look like a problem. Therefore, it is no wonder that victims often blame themselves for the distress they feel.
Of course, your intentions may be to prove yourself virtuous. You want to make them happier, so you focus on something that you think will bring them happiness. But it doesn’t work the way you want it to. They may be impressed for a few moments, but it is never enough. They find something else to be angry about.
In addition, they may try to sabotage your success. Narcissists tend to feel threatened when their victims feel more powerful. They can sense that you are beginning to change.
10- You replace them with another narcissist
You may think that you have freed yourself from one problem. Unfortunately, you may find yourself in exactly the same dynamic with someone else.
On a subconscious level, we tend to seek intimacy. This desire speaks to why many children of a narcissist grow up to be narcissists or date a narcissist. It’s a way to recreate what they already know.
In addition, narcissistic behavior is not always evident. Many narcissists work extremely hard to seduce and impress their victims. Or they may soften their attitude and convince you that they are normal and down to earth. Either way, you might think you’re in the clear until their true selves emerge.
11- You are hesitant about everything
Forget important decisions that change your life. Of course, those can feel challenging. Sometimes, however, it can be impossible to choose what you want to have for dinner.
When you are stuck in victim narcissistic syndrome, you are used to having someone else make the decisions for you. The narcissist calls the shots. Even when they ask for your opinion, you may feel like you’re constantly guessing and hoping to please them.
12 You no longer have meaningful relationships with others
Everything centers around the narcissist and their needs.
On the other hand, you may feel too overwhelmed to enjoy emotional intimacy with others. On the other hand, the narcissist often wants to separate the victims from their support systems. They fear exposure and don’t want others to be close to you. If they are very close, they may understand the severity of the narcissist’s dysfunction.
13- Convince yourself of gratitude
He works hard and supports me financially!
She is my mother and she raised me alone.
He is a good father, and the children love him.
Do any of these phrases sound familiar? If so, your methods of justifying narcissistic behavior may be cruel. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, try to distract yourself with the reasons why you value them more. Additionally, if a narcissist feels stressed, they tend to become more aggressive in proving how lucky you are to be around them.
- I imagined their death or other horrific events
As dark as this may sound, many people with victim narcissistic syndrome feel that catastrophe is their only way out of the madness. You may think that something tragic is your only answer.
This response can happen when you don’t feel confident enough to leave. It can also happen when you feel anxious about the consequences associated with leaving.
Of course, death is the final solution. But how long do you really want to wait for relief? And even if they died, that doesn’t necessarily absolve you of your feelings.
