If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, this legacy may affect you in multiple ways.
The following list contains behaviors common among narcissistic parents. As you read this list, you can decide which ones apply to your childhood.
When you were older, one or both of your parents did the following:
Criticize or second guess your choices.
Do they spoil happy times with their selfish behavior?
Give you gifts with conditions?
Does he prevent you from disagreeing with them or punish you for doing so?
Use guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first?
Was the “come here”/”leave” approach confusing and unsafe?
Acting unexpectedly?
Check on you.
Creating drama, scapegoating, and disharmony in your family?
You never seem to be satisfied.
Play martyr?
Become restless by your questions or independence?
Tell you you can trust them, and then they let you down or take advantage of you?
Minimizing or ridiculing your feelings and desires?
Do you want to be the center of attention or dominate conversations?
Does it leave you feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless, or helpless?
Each of these parental behaviors can leave a lasting negative legacy. An essential step in moving beyond a negative legacy is to recognize any connections between your upbringing and your unwanted behaviors in the present
The following outlines possible links between unhealthy patterns in your adult life and narcissistic parental behaviors in your childhood.
As an adult, do you sometimes do the following:
1. Do you have difficulty making decisions?
Possible connection: Your parents criticized or second-guessed your choices.
2. Feel uncomfortable when good things happen.
Possible relationship: Your parents ruined the good times with their selfish behavior or gave gifts with strings attached.
3. Anxiety or rumination about confrontations with others?
Possible connection: Your parents forbade you from disagreeing with them or punished you for doing so.
4. Often please others at your own expense.
Possible relationship: Your parents used guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first.
5. Do you feel unable to get close to others even when you want to?
Possible connection: Your parents had a “come here”/”leave” attitude that was confusing and unsafe.
6. Do you find it difficult to relax, laugh, or act spontaneously?
Possible relationship: Your parents acted unexpectedly or scrutinized you excessively.
7. Do you feel inexplicably drawn to disorder rather than harmony in your relationships?
Possible connection: Your parents created drama, scapegoating, and disintegration in your family.
8. You expect too much from yourself?
Possible connection: Your parents never seemed satisfied with you.
9. Do you see others as weak or see yourself as too much for others to handle?
Possible connection: Your parents have played the martyr or become annoyed by your questions or independence.
10. Trust others unwisely or, on the contrary, find it difficult to trust, even when you want to.
Possible relationship: Your parents told you you could trust them, and then they disappointed you or used you.
11. Do you feel numb or find it difficult to know what you are feeling?
Possible connection: Your parents belittled or made fun of your feelings and desires.
12. You feel overly sensitive to domineering or manipulative people.
Possible connection: Your parents had to be the center of attention or dominate most conversations.
13. Self-soothe through overeating, drinking, shopping, or other addictive behaviors.
Possible relationship: Your parents’ behavior made you feel trapped, unloved, hopeless, or helpless.
Human behavior is complex, and it would be simplistic to say that if your parent did X, you will automatically do Y. But narcissistic parenting has a strong influence on children and it is important to evaluate your past.
When you were a child, admitting the truth about your narcissistic parent when you had little power or resources to do anything about it was devastating. As a result, you may have learned to ignore the dysfunction, act as if it’s normal, blame yourself for it, or count the days until you can leave the house.
These coping strategies may have helped you emotionally survive a difficult childhood—and it’s important to respect everything that helped you survive childhood—but these coping strategies may manifest later in life in self-destructive ways like some of the 13 patterns listed above.
