Our boundaries are the invisible lines we draw in the sand. The problem with the invisible is that we can lose sight of where that line is.
It’s more common than we’d like to admit.
We are gently pushed into what we should do and what not to do, and oftentimes we end up accepting things we never dreamed we would accept.
Sometimes people test us. They want to know what they can get away with before we set foot. So they set out to break the rules.
Here are some signs that your partner is doing this.
1) They harass you instead of not responding
You know what this reminds me of…
When a child wants ice cream and his mother says no.
By the 100th time, the parents’ willpower may begin to waver before they finally relent and say, “Okay!” Just to silence them.
But this childish tactic has no place in adult relationships.
Pushing you until you give in is not the right way to conduct negotiations.
It’s a selfish move that puts their desires first, as well as a blatant disregard for your boundaries.
2) They try to flatter you and convince you to do things you don’t want
Don’t be fooled, this is stress, plain and simple.
But they know that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. So they change their tactics and try to motivate you instead.
They use sweet talk in hopes of getting you to agree to something.
The fact remains:
You are your person.
You have to decide what you do and don’t want to do. It is up to you alone to choose what suits you and what does not suit you.
Yes, it is reasonable to expect things that affect both people in the relationship to be discussed. This is a natural part of compromise and cooperation.
But then, no, means no. End the discussion.
3) They make threats to achieve their goals
If all else fails, the partner may resort to ultimatums to try to win.
This is a strength exercise. They are trying to figure out who has more influence in your relationship.
“If you decide to go on these boys’ trip, don’t expect me to be here waiting for you when you get back.” Or “If we’re not married by the end of the year, it’s over.”
It can be tempting to try to shed weight to get what you want. But in the long run, it never works.
A relationship based on threats will never work, not without accumulating a great deal of resentment.
4) They get very upset when their needs and desires don’t come first
The message was loud and clear:
Your desires and preferences come after theirs.
If you don’t go to restaurants they want to eat at, watch movies they enjoy, or do activities they love – they won’t be happy.
They may even say it’s “good,” but their behavior tells you otherwise.
Because as soon as they don’t get their way about something, you get the silent treatment.
They may be a bit cold to you, or suddenly withdraw their affection.
It is a punitive tactic.
5) They expect you to do a lot for them
The tricky part is what is too much?
That’s exactly why it becomes an exercise in testing the limits.
Because they can start to normalize their expectations of you so that you also take responsibility for things you shouldn’t.
It could be practical tasks that you’re sucked into. For example, maybe you’re expected to constantly pick up after them, or do all the cooking and cleaning.
It may be that you are always drawn into doing them favors that never get returned. Or it could be emotional labor where their demands are too high.
For example, they try to make you responsible for keeping them happy.
6) You’ve already put your foot down, but they’re still not listening
Boundaries only work when there are real consequences, not idle threats.
You may have made your boundaries abundantly clear, but your partner isn’t paying attention.
They still continue to push and ignore them. They may well be calling your bluff.
They want to know if you’re all talking or if you’ll stop them from getting away with the things that bother you.
7) They make their jealousy and possessiveness your problem
Extremely insecure people in relationships can turn to toxic strategies to try to give themselves greater peace of mind.
This often involves trying to exert control, sometimes in initially subtle ways.
If your partner:
He wants to know where you are all the time
You will be expected to check in throughout the day
He tries to discourage you from spending time with others
Making shameful comments about your behavior or what you wear, etc.
…decent.
Sometimes we feel compelled to fix someone else’s problems and do what we can to make them feel better.
But part of having decent boundaries is knowing what is and isn’t your responsibility.
Ultimately, you are both responsible for yourself, not each other.
8) They try to make you jealous
Jealousy can also appear in a relationship as a way to “test” a partner emotionally.
They basically want to know how much you care, and getting a reaction from you seems like a good way to do that.
In their minds, if they can provoke your little green-eyed monster, it means they are important to you.
The problem, of course, is that this is a completely unhealthy and disrespectful tactic, as we will see later.
9) They don’t respect you when they see what you have to endure
The tricky thing about someone crossing the mark is:
They start small and build from there.
Disrespect may not seem like blatant disrespect at first.
But they add the daily dose slowly, so you develop a kind of immunity to spot it along the way.
Here are some common ways of pushing and testing your partner that occur in many relationships:
Talk down to you
Not valuing your opinions, thoughts, and feelings
Putting you in a low position in front of others
Flirting in front of you
Talking about how attractive another person is to you or to you
These are little tests to see if you’re sticking up for yourself or letting them get away with it.
10) They say really bad things but claim it’s just a joke
A little teasing in a flirtatious way can be sexy in a relationship.
Some couples thrive on banter to keep them on their toes.
But cutting comments, criticisms and rude behavior are not funny at all.
When something hurts your feelings, it’s not just a joke. Humor is often used as a form of passive-aggressive attack.
We hide negative feelings or frustrations toward someone under the guise of “joking.”
If your partner is saying insulting things to you under the pretext that he is just joking, this is unacceptable.
11) They deliberately pick fights with you
Partners may choose an argument for many reasons, but none of them are healthy.
They may want to vent out their daily frustrations that have nothing to do with you.
They may have choices to make with you, but they lack the communication skills to do so in a constructive way.
It can also be a strange cry for attention. For example, if they are bored or jealous, the drama of the fight refocuses them.
12) They have inappropriately close relationships with other people or exes
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having close, loving relationships outside of our romantic partnerships. Actually, that’s good for us.
This includes family, friends, community, and perhaps even colleagues.
But communications become inappropriate once they cross boundaries.
Most people consider it an emotional issue if their partner gets too close to someone else, even if they haven’t physically cheated.
They may be secretive with this person, do their best for them, share a lot of intimacy with them, and have sexual chemistry with them.
13) They try to guilt you and make you feel bad
There are actually quite a few passive aggressive and manipulative moves on our list.
Here’s another thing we’re adding to our collection.
One of the most dangerous aspects of a person testing your boundaries is that they often prey on kindness.
You want to make your partner happy after all.
So when you do anything they are not keen on, they may try to influence your heart.
When they’re done with you, you’ll feel guilty. You may also be the one who apologizes when you’ve done nothing wrong.
When people resort to guilt trips, they often try to distort the facts. Then suddenly, you’re the one at fault for simply having boundaries.
Don’t be a doormat
Here’s the problem:
If you compromise on the basic levels of respect, effort, and independence you should expect in any relationship, it’s a slippery slope.
Because unfortunately, once someone sees that they can get away with pushing you, you can never expect them to stop.
Instead of maintaining peace, boundaries with questionable desires simply lead to unstable and unsustainable relationships.
