People don’t always see when they are being manipulated in a relationship.
We sometimes have a misleading idea of what control looks and sounds like.
Instead of laying down the law or making strict demands, control can be more deceptive than that.
Just a few subtle phrases can get you wrapped around someone’s finger and doing or saying what they want.
This is manipulation, pure and simple.
Be on the lookout for the following phrases that manipulators use to control their partner in a relationship.
1) “You know I really love you”
This may be true, but it does not excuse misconduct.
However, manipulators often use this phrase in relationships to try to do just that.
They release it when they act inappropriately, perhaps after losing their temper or saying unkind things.
But this does not replace an apology. It also does not absolve them of mistakes they may have made.
It is spoken in the hope that you will quickly forgive and forget any misdemeanors and move on.
But here’s the thing:
Love has limits.
Saying you love someone is never an excuse for crossing someone’s boundaries or failing to meet reasonable expectations within a relationship.
2) “If that’s how you feel, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”
Imagine this:
Your other half did something that you found disrespectful or hurtful in some way, so tell them how you feel.
But when you try to talk about it, instead of discussing the problem, they make threats.
The phrase “let’s break up” is often brought up during a disagreement or argument.
It’s an attempt to shut you down.
They may be trying to get you to do what they want or agree with them in some way. Or, as in the example I just gave, they may be trying to avoid having to explain themselves.
Ultimately, the threat of separation is used as a bargaining tool to try to convince you to back down.
We all have the right to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and we can’t do that if every time we fight, our partner’s response is to suggest we break up.
3) “I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me one day”
At first, this may seem like a sweet declaration of love, but it’s not.
There is an unhealthy undercurrent of codependency running through it.
It is spoken in the hope that you will quickly forgive and forget any misdemeanors and move on.
It hints at the need to have someone in your life.
Far from being a romantic idea, it actually involves a lot of pressure.
They are inadvertently suggesting that their entire world revolves around their partner.
They may even go so far as to say that they “couldn’t go on living” if you left them.
It’s basically emotional blackmail. It makes you feel responsible for their feelings.
It is important to remember that not all control occurs through displays of aggression.
For example, love bombers use flattery and excessive attention to make someone feel obligated and dependent on them.
A lot of manipulation flies under the radar. What is control in the end, they try to disguise themselves as the victim – as we will see next.
4) “I’m not sure you really loved me”
This is another guilt trip statement designed to get you to tell them how untrue it is.
Think of it like a fishing trip.
They want to hear that you love them very much.
It’s a way to turn the tables so that you feel like you’re the one who has to prove yourself, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
By questioning your love, they are implying that they don’t feel loved. Your words or behavior may have fallen somewhat short.
But by playing the victim and looking for pity, they try to get the upper hand.
5) “Calm down, can’t you take a joke?”
Mild and playful teasing in a relationship can be very common. Many couples enjoy joking around to keep each other on their toes and increase their chemistry.
But it should always feel fun and enjoyable – for both of you.
Both of you should feel comfortable with the joke, and neither of you should be affected by it.
Manipulators can passive-aggressively try to use humor to mask their cruelty and control.
It could be the mean things they’re trying to pass off as “just kidding.” They can be “practical jokes” that don’t seem funny, but rather seem very cruel.
For example:
“Are you really going to wear this? They’ll be able to see your ass from space. Why don’t you wear this instead?”
There’s an ulterior motive with a sentence like that to undermine you.
That’s why if something bothers you, it’s inappropriate. Your partner has crossed the line.
However, the manipulator may try to make you feel like you are simply handling things the wrong way.
In this way, you become the one who is at fault, when in reality he is the one.
6) “You’re overreacting”
Of course, there may be times when we jump to conclusions, get the wrong end of the stick, or lose control of ourselves. In those cases, we may find ourselves overreacting.
But that’s also why this can be sneaky. Because it makes you doubt yourself.
Telling someone they are overreacting is often an attempt to invalidate their feelings.
Related : 12 phrases manipulative people use to undermine and control you
So when it is used by a manipulative person in a relationship, it can become a form of gaslighting.
They try to undermine your perspective on the situation and make you doubt your feelings and reactions.
7) “You’re too sensitive.”
As with the statement above, telling someone they are too sensitive is a way to make them believe their emotions and feelings are inappropriate.
But instead of that being the case, the manipulator just looks for ways to justify his or her insensitivity.
The more they can convince you that what they are doing is normal, and that your reaction is abnormal, the more likely they are to get away with it.
8) “If you really cared, you would do this for me.”
If anyone tells you this, run a mile!
Trying to use your emotion as a way to get you to do things you don’t want to do is 100% wrong.
We are entitled to autonomy and free will in a relationship.
Love is not and should not be an instrument of barter. We don’t have to prove it to someone by completing a long list of unreasonable tasks.
The point is not that if you love them you will do what they ask of you.
The real point is that if they love you, they will never ask you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing.
9) “I give you everything and all I ask in return is…”
This phrase weaves a powerful but completely skewed narrative:
It’s a place where they are the selfless givers, and you are the ungrateful takers.
“After all I’ve done for you,” and similar phrases, try to make you owe someone else.
But he manipulated. You don’t owe people. Kindness is not a debt we have to pay, and certainly not with things we don’t want to do.
10) “I’ve changed since I started hanging out with”
Controlling partners try to isolate you.
They don’t want any influences other than their own in your life. The more isolated you feel from everything else, the more you will turn to them.
So they may start by telling you that they think some friends are a bad influence or that your family always interferes in your relationship.
The goal is to make you distance yourself from other people and things in your life, and in the process increase their power over you.
11) “I never said that”
Complete denial of the fact that events happened the way they did is another sign of gaslighting.
They may also say something like: “That’s not what happened.”
The goal is to make you question your memory and perhaps even your mind.
12) “Look what you made me do”
This is one of the most deceptive attempts to evade responsibility on our entire list.
Trying to make you responsible for their actions is always wrong.
Yes, cause and effect exist. But what you say or do cannot “make” anyone do anything. That’s up to them.
If a partner suggests that they cheated on you because you “threw them away” or that they went into a rage because you “hurt” them, they are just trying to shift blame.
You can never be responsible for the actions of others.
13) “I know you better than you know yourself”
When someone says they “have your best interests at heart” or “know what’s best for you,” tread carefully.
Saying they know you better than you know yourself can be used when they want more control.
No matter how well they know you, that doesn’t give them the right to try to override your decisions and choices.
Related : 8 signs an emotional manipulator is playing the victim card
They have no right to monitor or closely monitor you, regardless of whether they protest that they are doing so “for your own good.”
How do you know if you are being manipulated in a relationship?
Words have power. Far from being harmless, they act like talismans.
As we just saw, manipulative partners will try to use their words as another tool to exert control.
