Is there a bossy person in your life who is bossing people around?
Before you attack them, take a look at this list.
I’ll give you a step-by-step guide on how to respond to their bossy face.
Andiamo.
13 Ways to Not Tolerate a Bossy Person (A Practical Guide)
1) Just Say No
One of the most important ways to not tolerate a bossy person is simply saying no.
The key here is to say no when you can just stay silent, ignore, or back away from the fight.
If you’re being pressured at work, in your relationships, or by coworkers, family, or friends, the keyword is no.
Draw a clear line and tell the bossy person where you stand.
Make it clear that you understand why they’re asking you to do something and respect their point of view, but also make it clear that you have specific, solid reasons why you don’t want to do what they’re asking.
Sweta Vikram explains:
“It’s okay to say no: Be clear about what won’t work for you in their request.
They may accuse you of being selfish if you reach out to them about what you want or need, especially if it doesn’t meet their agenda.
But don’t let that scare you.”
2) Suggest alternatives
One reason bossy people have an all-or-nothing mentality is that they’re used to two main outcomes of their behavior:
People either give in and do what they want.
Or they say no and walk away angrily.
The way to stand out from either of these groups, especially in a work or love context, is to take the third path.
This means saying no and then suggesting an alternative that might work for you.
This is known as compromise.
You don’t want to do what they ask, think, or feel, but you’re willing to share your perspective and another way to handle the situation.
For example, your boss might be giving you a huge workload and saying that you’re the only one with the skills to get it done on time.
You disagree with your boss’s repeated pressure, but you say that by helping your coworker with the parts that your coworker might understand, you feel confident that you can get the job done on time.
“No, but…”
3) Write it down
Another very effective way to deal with a bossy person is to write them a letter explaining what’s not working for you and what’s working for you.
Think of it as a personal performance review.
If it’s professional, make it a thoughtful note about how you feel about them.
Writing it all down in a letter or email is effective for two reasons.
First, it gives you the time and space to step outside of your emotional frame of mind and think about what you want to say.
What’s the underlying issue, the wrong request, or the underlying arrogant behavior that’s about to push you over the edge, and what’s just a temporary annoyance to someone?
Second, it allows you to format and articulate very specifically what’s not working and what might work.
Instead of saying it in a time, place, or style that could quickly explode into drama, you write it in black and white (or whatever font color you want) and make it clear, reasonable, and detailed.
However, try to keep it to less than a few pages. No one wants to read War and Peace about why you think they’re stupid.
4) Be more proactive and assertive
Arrogant people thrive on people who are emotional and passive. Emotional people rarely lead the charge and tend to respond or react only after the fact.
They are easy to influence and manipulate because you can create the framework within which they react or act, especially if you are their boss, a family member, or someone close to them.
The key to unlocking this emotional prison is to become more proactive and assertive.
Being proactive means that even if you are a shy person, you start to put forward more of your vision and what you want, rather than just responding for or against what others want.
Assertiveness means several things about your behavior and attitude, including:
- Not being afraid to say exactly what you want and why
- Speaking up when you see something different
- Walk up straight and make strong eye contact
- Focus your body on the person you’re interacting with instead of turning away or half-turning away
- Giving up manipulative or self-deprecating habits about yourself
- Stand up for yourself! You matter! This is your new reality!
Fully embracing these assertive habits is one of the best, most direct ways to deal with a bossy person.
5) What’s your agenda, my friend?
We all have agendas, big and small. So do our bosses, the news we’re reading on TV, or the salesperson next to the used car we’re looking to buy.
Most agendas are situational to some degree.
My agenda in dealing with a sandwich shop is to buy and eat a delicious sandwich without overpaying for it.
The salesperson’s agenda is to make a profit on the used car he’s selling without outright scamming me to the point of legal (or other) action.
Learning how to recognize your agenda and others’ agendas is a crucial step in clear ways to deal with a controlling person.
When you know why someone is pushing you and what they want from that pressure, you can respond effectively by:
- Giving them alternative ways to get what they want that are more beneficial to you (win-win);
- Telling them no and putting them to work on prioritizing your agenda instead (you win, they lose).
As licensed clinical psychologist Bill Knauss says:
“Knowing how to recognize and read agendas can be a surprisingly simple way to boost your effectiveness, gain confidence, and take control of your time and life.”
6) Write Your Own Story
If you’re having trouble with controlling people, you must find your purpose in life, as I suggested earlier.
It’s also essential that you write your own story.
Here’s the scary truth:
If you don’t write your own story, you’ll be written into a small part of someone else’s story…
…and you may not like the role you’re playing at all!
It could be too small…
Or you could be a bad person…
RELATED:19 signs of an emotionally draining person
Or all the other characters might hate you.
“Oh my god, that doesn’t sound good at all!”
That’s because it doesn’t.
Writing your own story is about getting clear on who you are and what your life means to you.
We all have our own outer identity, so it’s a great idea to start there. Then dig into what motivates you, your core values, and what you’re striving for in life.
Your story can and will come true, but you have to keep it in sight and beware of others who try to fit you into their version of who you are and what makes you useful or meaningful to them.
Because other people’s ideas are often far less than your true potential and purpose!
7) Break Their Toxic Romantic Habits
One straightforward way to deal with a controlling person is to learn how to get past the kind of games they play in relationships.
It goes far beyond being controlling or wanting to know where you stand all the time.
Bullies will try to get you to change your core values, beliefs, style, location, and everything about yourself, to please their desires and priorities.
The more you shift to their priorities, the more they will demand, with no end in sight until there is only a tiny part of you (and no self-esteem) left.
8) Remember that “No” is not always personal
There is a reason why many nice people seem to get screwed by bullies, and it is not that these nice people are stupid.
They are just very kind and caring.
They worry that saying “No” to a bully is the same as rejecting that person personally or devaluing them as a whole.
Well… it is not.
Saying “No” does not have to be personal.
If you asked me to be a co-investor in a new startup that would be great and you told me you need my answer by tomorrow, I can say no without it being about my opinion of you.
Saying no to someone who is bullying you is not the same as saying no to them as a whole or to their presence in your life.
9) Use procrastination with a particularly bossy person
Many times, bossy people will trick you when you try to say no to them.
One of the best ways to deal with a bossy person is to make it personal, as I explained before. Not only can considerate people feel bad, but bossy people can take advantage of their feelings to get their way.
One of the best tactics that bossy people use is to set a time limit and put pressure on them.
“Join now or die in the next five days!” seems to be a literal phrase on some sites or membership offers.
You’re gripped by the fear that there’s a 1% chance that this site has somehow tapped into a powerful vein of black magic and will kill you for not buying whatever it’s selling.
Sometimes, the best way to deal with intrusive sales pitches or other offers that annoy you is to procrastinate.
This is especially helpful if you’re under personal pressure or to the point where you feel physically in danger.
For example, if a street vendor approaches you and asks you to buy an exclusive, licensed, authentic Montblanc watch for only $35.
“What, you don’t think it’s real? I told you this was a dead end. This is 100% real. Look at this certificate!”
He shoves a star with some words in it in your face that are printed from an early version of Windows 97. This guy looks ready to throw a punch.
Now… if you’re smart, you won’t say no.
You’ll say something like:
“It looks good. I don’t question the value at all. I’ll think about it and pass it on my way home from work this afternoon. Are we okay?”
This is one of the best, most obvious ways to deal with a bossy person if they’re right in your face:
Tell them later, and make it so detailed that it seems genuine. Then walk away from there at a leisurely pace without checking behind you.
10) Be crystal clear about your boundaries
Without knowing your boundaries, how are you supposed to know when someone has crossed them?
You should have firm personal boundaries that don’t change with the ebb and flow of your emotions or personal thoughts throughout the day.
You cut ties with friends who take money and never return it, or maybe you don’t…
You don’t go back to a cheater under any circumstances, or maybe you do…
Set your boundaries and decide where they are.
Most importantly: stick to them.
Boundaries are just window dressing if you don’t stick to them when times get tough.
As Arise advises:
“If you’re still having trouble saying ‘no,’ it’s because you need to put some effort into your boundaries.
Resolving this issue will take dedication. In some cases, talking to a counselor may be necessary to guide you on your journey to saying ‘no.’
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
11) Don’t Resist Insistence with Logic
When someone is trying to pressure you, it’s tempting to give them logical reasons why you can’t agree to what they want.
“Well, I can’t sign up for this course right now because I have a lot going on with my college and my new job requirements.”
Ring the bell. Wrong approach.
A manipulative pressure will always find a way to convince you and get you to do what they want.
They will find a way to talk through your logic to ensure their agenda is at the forefront.
Instead, tell them that emotions are the reason you can’t agree to something.
Emotions are much harder to argue about and it’s a truism, meaning that if I say I’m upset about something, you can’t effectively tell me that I’m not upset.
How do you know?
So in the example above, say something like:
“Well, I don’t want to sign up for this course right now because I’m too overwhelmed right now and I’m not in the mental or emotional state to do it right now.”
As Dr. Matt Townsend advises here, it’s much better to use emotions to reject bossy people than to try to use logic.
12) Create a Give-and-Give Dynamic
Bossy people are all about getting what they want, but that doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.
As I explained earlier, there are sometimes win-win situations or other ways you can shift the frame to your priorities rather than someone else’s.
This isn’t always possible, of course.
Sometimes you either get what you want or they get it.
In such cases, I recommend one of the most obvious ways to deal with a bossy person is to create a give-and-take relationship.
They get what they want in this case, and you get what you want in the next case.
This can work if you both stick to the agreement.
13) Say No to Option A and yes to Option B
Similarly, sometimes saying no to Option A, and yes to Option B can work.
People often approach us or ask us to do multiple things.
One of these things might be unattractive or harmful to us, while many of the others might be wonderful.
So, you simply have to say no to the bad and yes to the good.
Win!
Push yourself forward
The best, least-hurt ways to deal with a bossy person revolve around one thing:
Respect yourself first and hold yourself to higher standards.
Instead of trying to fight back when someone pushes you, push yourself harder to achieve your dreams and write your own story.
Remember this quote that I’ve used as my lock screen background for two years now:
Push yourself forward, because no one else will do it for you.
