Key Points

Proving the narcissist’s claim to be true in the divorce is their ultimate goal, and they will do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Narcissists often use strategies to derail the divorce process, such as filing too many motions and causing delays.

When divorcing a narcissist, it is crucial to have an attorney who is familiar with this type of difficult personality.

Understandably, most people will do almost anything to avoid going to court for any number of reasons, including the financial cost, the loss of privacy, the inevitable calcification of hostility between you and the person you married, the pain it causes your children and other family members, and the fear of putting your life in the hands of a stranger, sitting in a seat at the front of the courtroom. (Not to mention all those movies—Kramer vs. Kramer, The War of the Roses, The Squid and the Whale—that serve as cautionary tales, the horror stories that have been circulating on the Internet, and the stories of people you know.)

Despite the attention that court divorces get, especially when the person is rich or famous, the reality is that only about 5 percent of divorces end up in front of a judge. About 95 percent of couples either resolve the issue themselves or use mediation or collaborative divorce techniques to limit damages and financial costs.

But the usual considerations that keep people out of court and make mediation and settlement viable alternatives simply don’t apply to those at the far end of the narcissistic spectrum. I asked two experts—litigation attorney Mary Kirkpatrick (disclosure: she was my attorney) and Craig Malkin, a practicing therapist, blogger on this site, and author of Rethinking Narcissism—to help me untangle what for most people end up as a torturous mess.

GenderMatter

I’ve used the first-person pronouns he and she in this article to avoid accusations of bias, though there are a few facts to consider.

The first is that at the far end of the narcissistic spectrum (for simplicity’s sake, we’ll call people at this end “narcissists”), men outnumber women by two to one. Yes, twice that. That makes it more likely that there will be a narcissist in the courtroom if there is one—the husband. That doesn’t mean there will never be a wife. As Malkin explains, “The largest review of gender differences and narcissism to date suggests that this gender gap stems primarily from the fact that men tend to be more aggressive than women—and, unlike women, are often encouraged to flaunt the exploitative, entitled behaviors that characterize narcissistic personality disorder.”

The second is that 60–69 percent of all divorces in the United States are initiated by women; this has been consistent historically since the 19th and 20th centuries and remains true today. It’s a counterintuitive finding: Divorce generally lowers women’s living standards and improves men’s, and men are more likely to remarry than their female counterparts. Not surprisingly, legal, psychological, and sociological researchers wanted to know why.

In their study, published in the American Law and Economics Review, Margaret Pring and Douglas Adams concluded that child custody issues prompted women to file first, giving them—the primary guardians—at least temporary custody. Kirkpatrick, the attorney, believes it may also be because a wife knows she’ll likely get 50 percent of the marital property, alimony if she qualifies, and child support; that may be better than staying married to a financial tyrant or spendthrift.

But Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld took a different tack, comparing divorce initiation and separation among unmarried, cohabiting, and non-cohabiting couples. Rosenfeld specifically looked at some of the proposed explanations for why wives are more likely to initiate divorce:

Women’s heightened sensitivity to relationship issues leads to dissatisfaction;

Marriage is a factory of traditional gender expectations, supported by the finding that women still bear two-thirds of household responsibilities; and

Gender power imbalances.

He found that cohabiting and non-cohabiting couples showed no gender imbalance in initiating separation, and both partners were equally likely to end the relationship. Interestingly, compared with the 19% of marriages in which partners reported mutuality in the decision to divorce, 32% of cohabiting couples and 36% of non-cohabiting couples described the decision as mutual.

Rosenfeld concludes that it is the gendered nature of the institution of marriage itself that explains why women initiate divorce. Of course, initiating divorce does not mean that the person intends to end up in front of a judge; the person may also come forward as a negotiation tactic.

AboutTheNarcissist

Let’s start with why the narcissist—despite all the real reasons that any sane person would be highly motivated to stay out of court—is so likely to end up in court.

1. He or she is in court to win.

While there are no real “winners” in a divorce—with luck, there is some fair division of responsibilities and assets—this is not the narcissist’s perspective. He or she is likely to see himself or herself as a victim, regardless of the facts, and has no intention of meeting in the middle, so you can forget about negotiation or mediation. Proving what he or she says is the ultimate goal, and the narcissist will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

“One of my clients went through hell with a man who had three affairs during his marriage and who regularly spent his vacation money on his affairs,” Malkin says. “He tried to convince the judge that my client was cheating on him (she wasn’t), while also sending long letters asking, ‘Why are you doing this to me?’” For many narcissists, the truth isn’t just relative. “It’s my choice.”

2. He or she is a game player.

Studies have shown that this is the narcissist’s relationship pattern—maintaining power and advantage by keeping others off balance—and he or she won’t change just because you go to court. Manipulating the system is the first line of defense, and as we’ll see, the family court system can be manipulated. “This is especially dangerous when your narcissistic ex is the extroverted, charming type who has a lot of money to spend,” Malkin says. “They tend to make endless demands, make empty (false) accusations about ‘neglected parenting,’ for example, and waste everyone’s time.” It’s often an attempt to wear you down.”

3. The narcissist doesn’t take into account the emotional toll.

A lack of empathy is one of the hallmarks of pathological narcissism, and what it translates into is the narcissist’s complete disregard for how anyone—including their spouse and, most importantly, their children—is being hurt by their games or other behaviors. This doesn’t occur to the narcissist because the focus is on them alone; nothing else really matters except the satisfaction of their own needs and desires.

Unfortunately, what keeps most of us on the straight and narrow in stressful situations like divorce and tends to keep us out of court is our concern for others—how they might be affected or hurt, what they will think of our behavior, and how it will affect our future relationships. Not the narcissist. He or she is likely to engage in what military strategists call a scorched earth policy—leaving nothing standing in his or her wake. Unfortunately, this often includes the children of the marriage, who become unwitting pawns in the narcissist’s strategies. As discussed below, the narcissist’s gender plays a role here, especially if there is no agreement on custody or child support.

4. By involving you in a court battle, the narcissist is still using you to feel powerful.

Narcissists need to be in relationships to organize themselves, and by dragging you through court, he or she will feel a thrilling surge of power and control. If the narcissist simply lets you go, he or she will be forced to find someone else to fulfill this need. Unfortunately, this also means that the narcissist doesn’t care about how long the process takes—surprisingly, but true. Again, most people want to put the hassle and stress of divorce and all the negotiation and compromise that goes with it behind them; that’s not true for the narcissist, which makes confronting one even harder. “It’s a way to stay connected,” says Malkin. “It’s better to be your enemy than to be worthless in your eyes.”

5. The narcissist wants you to give up.

It’s not enough to say they won—the narcissist needs a symbolic trophy to prove it, and the easiest way to do that is to fold up your tent and walk away. Winning over others makes the narcissist feel good, and going to court is often waged as a war of attrition.

How the Narcissist Changes the Nature of Divorce

You’re more likely to end up in court because they refuse to discuss terms on any reasonable basis. Going to court and having a judge make the decision can make the narcissist feel more comfortable because it means they don’t have to take responsibility for the outcome, especially if it’s unfavorable. This may seem counterintuitive, but the narcissist doesn’t want to give up anything voluntarily and the court system ensures that, whether they win or lose, it won’t be their fault. Ironically, giving up control allows the narcissist to maintain the illusion of control. Additionally, the process is likely to include:

1. Obstruction Strategy

Depending on the state you live in, family court proceedings can take a long time, and the narcissist will ask his attorney to take up as much time as possible. Be prepared to file a lot of motions, requests for more time, delays, “emergencies,” and the like. Regardless of which of you is the plaintiff, the narcissist will be the self-described victim throughout his filings, and the marriage has been revisited and re-told. The thing is, the narcissist only believes his truth, even if it tests credulity. Narcissists may not be reluctant to lie on sworn documents, even about things that can be easily proven false, because proving false takes more time and paperwork (and legal fees)—and that’s part of the strategy.

Related : How a Narcissist Manipulates the Love Language Concept

Kirkpatrick notes that other tactics may include delaying when they think it might help or upset you, failing to show up for court dates, including misleading information in filings and appeals that then need to be appealed, and not disclosing information in full so that there are additional rounds of attorney correspondence and discovery requests and legal fees continue to pile up. Because the narcissist is an expert at presenting himself (and believes in his or her superiority), the working assumption is that the judge will believe his or her story. (And if he or she is wealthy and ostensibly successful, and you are less wealthy, the trick may work.)

2. Refusing to negotiate or settle.

Again, time is an arrow in the narcissist’s quiver, and he or she also knows that the longer the process takes, the easier it is to manipulate and pressure you. And he or she is counting on that. Because the narcissist is a game player by nature, Kirkpatrick notes, “There are patterns of dealing with the narcissist in settlement negotiations. They make low offers or offers that are unacceptable. They fail to respond to all aspects of the proposal so that there are always bargaining chips that can be used to delay the negotiation or start over, and they fail to respond to the issues presented. Don’t expect any good-faith dealings.

“They cannot negotiate toward common ground; They will likely keep bringing up the same situation over and over again, even when the facts and circumstances change.”

3. Increase your bills.

Yes, money is used as a cudgel in most cases. The narcissist will likely see it as a necessary expense—if he or she intends to pay for their lawyers in the end.

4. Paint yourself black.

Yes, any jelly or slime available, true or not, will be thrown around to see what sticks to the wall. You should be prepared to have your reputation discredited, whether on paper, in the courtroom itself, or to the world at large—this is part of the narcissist’s lack of empathy, lack of concern for relational consequences, and desire to win at all costs. Kirkpatrick notes that these filings will then have to be defended or corrected, which consumes more time and money, and of course, opens the door for a judge to believe the narcissist. Additionally, Kirkpatrick notes that getting your story out there—and telling new and old friends, family members, and people connected to your business—will be a great way to get your story out there. And your career—is also typical of the narcissist’s efforts to muddy the waters, and damage reputations and children, while garnering support for himself.

5. Going back to court again and again even after settlement or divorce.

For all the reasons outlined above, the narcissist is likely to continue using the court system to resolve any real disputes as well as to spread new ones. As I noted, the narcissist games the system. And if there are children involved, Kirkpatrick tells me, “It doesn’t end there. Lack of communication back and forth, failure to share schedules, appointments, or travel itineraries, and enrolling children in activities that fall on the parent’s time without notice and discussion when the parent does not have the legal authority to do so are all too common after a high-conflict divorce. Add to that trying to obtain the child’s psychological records without legal authority, invading the child’s privacy, and failing to pay bills on time. Then there’s the less-than-hidden war: sending repeated emails complaining, harassing, and making it appear that he or she is harassing the child or children about the other parent or family and belittling the parenting he or she is receiving.” All of these can become issues that must be resolved through the courts, as the narcissist knows all too well.

What to Watch For

Here are some general tips to discuss with your attorney. Given the emotional damage that a contested divorce can do to you, it’s wise to also work with a therapist to keep you as stable and productive—and not as reactive—as possible. “A good therapist should talk to you about the possibility of post-traumatic stress disorder, which is common among abuse survivors, even when the only abuse is serial infidelity,” says Malkin. Keep in mind that your attorney is not a therapist, and your therapist is not a lawyer.

1. Make sure your attorney is aware of the problem and is proactive.

It’s not always obvious that there’s a narcissist in the mix, especially if they seem well-spoken and well-off; self-presentation goes a long way in fooling people. Your ex’s narcissistic tendencies may not fully emerge until the divorce process, because the narcissist shows his or her true colors during the conflict.

Related : Why Narcissists Get Promoted So Quickly

Discuss your ex’s reaction patterns and how best to deal with them, and make sure your side has a strategy. If your ex is acting as his or her attorney, you need to pay close attention, too.

Kirkpatrick also recommends that “if your attorney is not familiar with this type of difficult personality, you should either change attorneys or be incredibly assertive in directing the attorney to take the actions you want to set boundaries with. It’s best to change attorneys because you, as the client, are vulnerable and don’t need to be told explicitly or implicitly that ‘it’s all in your head’ or ‘there’s nothing you can do.’”

She also recommends developing support through therapy because this type of divorce is emotionally and psychologically draining.

2. Keep copies of everything, especially expenses.

Even if you’re not a record-keeper, now is a good time to become one. If this turns into a “he said/she said” situation with conflicting stories, gather all the evidence you can. “This is important,” Malkin says. “I’ve helped more than one of my clients debunk their ex’s lies.”

3. Stay calm and avoid falling into traps.

Don’t let your anger spill over into voicemail or send emails and texts that could be interpreted as harassing or insulting, especially if children are involved. “Restraint is key. Know the gravity of all communication with your narcissistic ex because they will likely edit your texts and emails to share with others, new people in their inner circle. Keep in mind that the narcissist must control the story because of their low self-esteem and need to be seen as the ‘good guy or girl,’” Kirkpatrick says. “Keep the narcissist’s game in the forefront of your mind and do your best not to get carried away. Don’t make comments about your spouse in front of your children or people he spends time with because they’ll come back to him and fuel further retaliation.”

Even if your spouse is using the kids to score points, try to take the high road. “Your children will appreciate that you’ve kept your relationship with your ex out of the conversation with them,” Malkin says. “Eventually, they’ll see that their narcissistic parent’s shaming is an attempt to manipulate their children. That’s how narcissists inevitably lose the game.”

“They marginalize themselves if you focus only on the next right move,” Kirkpatrick adds.

However, the damage to families and their finances from these divorces is very real, as is the stress of having to endure a divorce and, if there are children, the high price that a turbulent and protracted divorce exacts on feelings of trust and security. But the more prepared you are, legally and psychologically, the better off you’ll be.