When emotionally abusive behavior is confused with love, it is easy to misread the signals and remain stuck in a toxic relationship as a result. But how do you know that these “acts of love” are signs of emotional abuse? While abusive behavior may feel like love at times, if your partner wants to possess and control you like possessiveness, this is a sign that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
True love, on the other hand, is unconditional. You can be your true self and feel love for the person you are. When you’re waiting for someone to love you, it’s easy to confuse neediness with possessive — or even abusive — behavior as being “wanted” by your partner. You may not think you are in a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship because your partner seems caring and loving towards you until you do not comply.
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Here are 13 acts of emotional abuse that are often misinterpreted as love:
- They are very jealous and insecure
Is your partner jealous and unsure of you talking to anyone? Do they control who you are with? Are they watching what you do?
They may accuse you of things you didn’t do. Let’s say you cheated or want someone else, even when the accusations are out of proportion to the real situation. She makes you feel guilty so she won’t go out with your friends and wants you there exclusively for them. You are accused of rejecting them when you do things for yourself.
- They are in control
They control you to avoid feelings of insecurity or rejection. They treat you better when they keep you to themselves, but they abuse you for hanging out with others. If you do things that make you happy, they punish you or make you feel bad, as if you are rejecting them. They find ways to condition you into staying in the relationship and even make you feel guilty through suicide threats or telling you that you will lose your children.
- They have tantrums
Your partner gets upset when you don’t comply with all of their needs and responds by pouting so that you give up everything for them, or are mistreated in some way. They throw abusive tantrums if you don’t comply, or threaten you until they get their way.
- You are being manipulated through punishment
You will be less willing to put up with the silent treatment or criticism if you are honest with yourself, are responsible for their feelings and are expected to make them feel good about themselves. You may have become accustomed to pleasing or complying with them by giving in to what they want, to avoid being punished or emotionally abused.
Does your partner punish you when you don’t get it? They may have used your fears against you, by threatening divorce or taking the children away from you, as a way to emotionally manipulate you into staying. If they feel rejected, they will always come back to you.
- They put you down
They tell you that you will never have anyone else. That you cannot survive financially without them stealing your independence and selfishness. They try to bring you down so you don’t feel good about yourself, or think you deserve anything better.
- They blame you for everything
They misunderstand what you say, and you become the bad person who has to pay, or you are wrongly accused of saying things you didn’t say.
- They force you to comply
You feel like you’re losing yourself by absorbing them, to the point that you become withdrawn or depressed. The more you please them, the more you reinforce their emotional abuse.
- They ignore your needs
They make the relationship about serving their needs and your opinions or feelings don’t matter to them.
- They expect you to “behave.”
You are expected to do what they want and always meet their needs. You have been abused for not complying.
- They take care of your needs
It’s as if you don’t have any rights as a partner because asserting yourself leads to abusive treatment, so it’s easier to avoid conflict by abandoning yourself so you don’t get emotionally abused.
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- It makes you doubt yourself
When you express yourself, they suggest you mistreat them until you back down. They belittle and confuse you, and you lose your sense of self.
- It makes you “lose” yourself
Have you slowly stopped being yourself? Have you learned to deny your own needs to satisfy them? You’re probably walking on eggshells around their feelings to accommodate how they feel or telling them what they want to hear to avoid getting into trouble. They may have turned you against your friends and family to isolate you.
You’re afraid to say the wrong thing, so you don’t say anything. You feel guilty for being responsible for what they feel, so you think you’re the problem and make it up to them.
- They force you to make excuses for them
They lure you into feeling sorry for them so you don’t realize they are abusing you. In some way, you think you’re hurting them, so you try to please them so they won’t be angry with you. You end up feeling responsible for what they feel and try hard to make it up to them as if it was your fault.
Those who suffer from emotionally abusive behavior can cause their partner to suffer when they do not comply with their emotional needs. When feeling insecure, an abuser assumes that their partner made them feel that way, so they hurt them because of it. This type of response is called “talionistic motivation”, and means that even if you are not…
An abusive partner can be very loving when you make yourself available to meet all of their needs and give them your full attention. But when you stop meeting the abuser’s needs, he or she uses tantrums, tears, insults, silent treatment, or other forms of punishment, such as gaslighting, to get his way.
In many cases, the emotional abuser relies on their partner to make them feel good about themselves and make up for all the feelings of rejection and emotional abuse they experienced as a child.
When you don’t meet their unmet needs, you suffer punishment. You could end up being punished for the pain your abuser’s past caused you and expecting you to make up for it.
An emotionally manipulative person knows how to provoke you in a way that makes you respond to his needs and control you, even if that means belittling you, hurting you, or causing you fear, as a way to control you so you won’t leave. Emotionally.
The truth is that an emotionally manipulative person is projecting their self-doubts and insecurities onto you. Deep down, they’re afraid you’ll leave them because they don’t feel good enough.
The more afraid they are of losing you, the more poorly they will treat you to prevent you from leaving the relationship. To protect themselves from feeling rejected or lonely, emotional abusers will find ways to control you, so you end up feeling worthless about yourself. When you make a mistake, your abuser will continue to blame you and attack you for their pain.
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What can you do if you notice signs of emotional abuse in your relationship?
The first step is to recognize and let go of the blinding fantasy that you are “lovable.” True love does not mean making up for someone’s insecurities or taking responsibility for how they feel.
The emotional abuser should work to overcome these feelings and repair themselves, rather than making others pay for their feelings. If you realize you are being emotionally abused, you need to build healthy boundaries.
You may be surprised to discover that you don’t value yourself, allowing yourself to allow someone to treat you this way. You may need to learn to listen to yourself to build a stronger sense of self, so you can take better care of yourself and foster healthy relationships in the future.
True love comes from loving yourself so you can set your own standards for how you want to be treated, rather than putting up with things that are offensive to you. Whoever truly loves you will not hurt you.
