Emotional manipulation is the act of changing a person’s perception of reality.
It’s a tactic that toxic partners often use to get what they want in a relationship; they’ll say things like, “I don’t remember doing that.
You’re making it up,” to intentionally avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
But did you know that emotional manipulation can be done unintentionally?
Unintentional emotional manipulation is more common than you might think.
Your friends, family, and even yourself may have manipulated someone’s emotions without realizing it.
Being aware of common emotional manipulation techniques is important to saving your relationships with others.
So here are 12 examples of unintentional emotional manipulation.
- Telling White Lies
We often think of white lies as nothing more than a trivial matter.
If we forget to buy flowers for our partner, and instead say they don’t have any more flowers, we think it’s no big deal.
It’s just a little lie we tell ourselves. And it won’t hurt anyone.
But it covers up the fact that you may be more flawed than your partner thinks.
The truth you tell your partner is that the florist was responsible for not bringing you flowers; you portray yourself as a loyal partner who was always thinking of their partner.
When in reality, you may have been focused on something else entirely.
White lies change reality more than you think.
- Ignore the fight before it’s resolved
You may find yourself in a fight with your friend, arguing over different opinions about something.
But instead of reaching a mutual resolution, you say, “I’m tired of this fight. I’m done talking about this.”
The message you’re sending is that you’re denying the other person the opportunity to share their perspective on reality with you.
You’re making them think the fight is resolved when it’s not.
Out of blind anger and frustration, you took control of the argument and buried the hatchet—when in reality there was more to say.
- Ignore the red flags
Did you know you can fool yourself?
Maybe your partner has been abusive and unfaithful to you.
Your friends have seen them swear at you and treat you like there’s no love in your relationship at all.
But you keep insisting that you can change them.
You tell yourself that they’re just having a bad day, and they just need some comfort or someone to understand them.
By ignoring the red flags, you’re ignoring the fact that your partner may not be the right person for you.
What’s worse, you may not even see it; whenever someone brings it up, you tell them that they’re the one acting crazy.
- Blaming Others for Their Actions
When you’re working in a group and you make a mistake, you may instinctively blame someone else for being “too anxious” or “too irresponsible.”
But the truth is, you acted out of your insecurities. It was a defense mechanism for you.
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By deflecting responsibility, you may have accidentally deceived others.
While it’s very likely that their actions and behaviors influenced yours, their reactions may be perfectly normal—it was just you.
- Saying It’s Not a Big Deal
When something catastrophic happens to you or someone you know, like getting into a car accident, losing a job, or going through a divorce, it can be a coping mechanism to say that such a loss is not a big deal.
You’re tricking yourself into making light of the reality that:
You’re going to have to pay a very real and specific amount of money that you may not have to pay for repairs; you need to find another job in a competitive job market; and you’ve spent years of your life with someone who didn’t feel the same way about you.
While others may view situations differently, it’s important to learn to accept the situation for what it is.
- Not Speaking Up
Sometimes emotional manipulation can happen without you having to say anything.
For example, you’re spending time with someone who thinks you’re their best friend.
In reality, you don’t see them that way at all.
You see them more as someone fun to be around, but not someone you’d invite to be your best man or maid of honor.
But they don’t know that, and you haven’t told them.
By not speaking up, you’re making them think you’re more important in their lives than they think.
You may be doing it out of kindness; you don’t want to break their heart, so you keep going.
But know that you’re allowing them to continue living a lie.
- Being quick to judge people who aren’t like you
When someone comes to you with an idea you’re not used to hearing, you may be quick to dismiss it.
You might say, “This idea is so weird.”
While you may have good intentions to save them from catastrophic failure, by rushing to judgment on their idea, you are bending reality to your will and forcing them to conform to your idea of what is normal.
It may be a terrible idea to you.
To another audience, it may be perfectly logical and reasonable. It’s just a frame of reference for what doesn’t fit into a good idea and what doesn’t fit into a bad idea.
- Difference Based on Someone’s Background
You might be talking to someone about business topics and then walk away and say to yourself,
“What does he know? He didn’t go to the same college as me.”
The unintended manipulation of reality here is that you’re saying that someone’s background invalidates their opinion.
It frames college as a place of stupidity, as opposed to what you think is the birthplace of genius.
But of course, that’s not true.
Great people can come from anywhere; they’re not always exclusive to places where you know where people are.
In other words, you’re not just fooling your friend; Rather, you are showing bias toward that person.
- Making False Promises
You promise your friend that you will be at their house at 10 a.m. but you arrive at 11. You apologize and move on.
While it may be a small mistake, if you often fail to keep your promises, you are setting up a potentially skewed reality of what promises to mean to your friend.
It’s even worse if you don’t apologize.
The nature of a promise is that it is supposed to be kept.
The more you fail to keep your promises, the less impact the promise has.
Your friend may become more cautious than they should be when others make promises.
- Spreading Rumors
Maybe you heard from close acquaintances that someone you know got a random woman pregnant and left her.
You have no evidence to prove it; it’s just a rumor.
But you think it’s too exciting not to share, so you pass it on.
By passing it on, you are changing people’s perception of the person you’re talking about.
By telling others, you are portraying them as a reckless, untrustworthy, and promiscuous person.
When the reality is that what you’re saying isn’t true.
You’re spreading misinformation, and that has real consequences.
In this case, it’s about someone’s reputation.
- Exaggerating Experiences
When you share online that the food at a restaurant you ate at was the worst in the world, you’re spreading a lie.
While it may be taken as a joke, it’s also possible that people are changing their perception of the restaurant.
If you meet someone who loves the food, you might call them crazy in response; you’re tricking them into thinking there’s something wrong with them when there isn’t.
The food may not be terrible; it’s just not the type of food you normally eat.
- Being Overly Motivating
When someone is lagging behind you in mastering a skill, you might feel the need to encourage them and say, “It’s going to be okay! You have nothing to worry about!
Everything will work out.”
While your intentions may of course be admirable, you may be setting them up for disappointment and frustration.
The truth is, you don’t have the same body type and mental abilities.
You may have evolved more than they do, so something may be okay for you, but for them, it’s beyond their ability.
