Gaslighting is changing a person’s perception of reality.
It’s a tactic often used by toxic partners to get what they want in a relationship; They’ll say things like: “I don’t remember doing that.
You’re making it up,” to intentionally avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
But did you know that gaslighting can happen unintentionally?
Accidental gaslighting is more common than you might think.
Your friends, family, and even you may have set someone on fire without even realizing it.
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Being aware of common gaslighting techniques is important to salvage your relationships with others.
Here are 12 examples of unintentional gaslighting.
- Telling white lies
We often think that white lies are nothing more than a little thing.
If we forget to buy flowers for our significant other, and instead say there are no more roses, we think it’s no big deal.
It’s just a little lie we tell ourselves. He won’t hurt anyone.
Except it covers up the fact that you may be more imperfect than your significant other might think.
The truth you tell your partner is that it was the florist’s fault for not getting the flowers; You paint yourself as the dedicated partner who was always thinking about your significant other.
When in reality, you may be focused on something else entirely.
White lies change reality more than you think.
- Refusing to fight before it is resolved
Maybe you find yourself in a fight with your friend, arguing about different opinions about something.
But instead of reaching a mutual resolution, she says, “I’m tired of this fight. I’m done talking about this.”
The message this sends is that you are depriving the other person of the opportunity to share their perspective on reality with you.
You make them think the fight is resolved when it isn’t.
Out of blind anger and frustration, she took control of the argument and buried the hatchet – when in reality there was still more to be said.
- Ignore red flags
Did you know that it’s even possible to gaslight yourself?
Maybe your partner has been abusive and unfaithful to you.
Your friends have seen them calling you names and treating you as if there was no love in your relationship at all.
But you keep insisting that you can change it.
You tell yourself that they are having a bad day and that they just need some comfort or to be understood.
By ignoring red flags, you are ignoring the fact that your partner may not be the right person for you.
The worst part is that you may not even see it; When someone brings it up, you tell them they’re crazy.
- Blame others for their actions
When you’re working in a group and you make a mistake, you may instinctively blame someone else for being “excessively” anxious or “excessively” irresponsible.
But the truth is that you acted out of your insecurities. It was a defense mechanism for you.
By avoiding responsibility, you may have accidentally set others on fire.
While it is very possible that their actions and behavior influenced yours, their responses were probably completely normal – it was just you.
- Saying something is not a big deal
When something catastrophic happens to you or someone you know, such as being in a car accident, losing a job, or going through a divorce, it may be a coping mechanism to say that such a loss is no big deal.
You put the spotlight on yourself to soften the blow of reality:
that you will have to pay a very real and specific amount of money that you may not have to pay for repairs; You need to find another job in a competitive job market; And that you spent years of your life with someone who doesn’t feel the same way you do.
While others may view situations differently, it is still important to learn how to accept the situation for what it is.
- Not speaking
Sometimes gaslighting can happen without you having to say anything.
For example, you’re spending time with someone who thinks you’re their best friend.
You don’t see them that way at all.
You see them more as fun people to be around, but not someone you would invite to be your best man or bridesmaid.
But they don’t know that, and you haven’t told them.
By not speaking up, you allow them to believe that you are more important to their lives than they may think.
Maybe you do it out of kindness; You don’t want to break their hearts, so keep moving forward.
But know that you are allowing them to continue living the lie.
- Rushing to judge people who are different
When someone comes to you with an idea that you’re not used to hearing, you may be quick to reject it.
“This idea is very strange,” you might say.
Although you may have had good intentions to save them from catastrophic failure, by rushing to judgment on their idea, you are bending reality to your will and forcing them to conform to your idea of what is normal.
It may just be a bad idea for you.
For another audience, it can be perfectly rational and sane. It’s just your frame of reference for where a good and bad idea doesn’t match.
- Differences based on someone’s background
Maybe you’re talking to someone about work-related topics and then you walk away and say to yourself:
“What do they know? They didn’t graduate from the university I did.”
The unintentional manipulation of reality here is that you are saying that someone’s background invalidates their opinion.
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It portrays the university as a place of stupidity, contrary to your belief that your university is the cradle of genius.
But this of course is not true.
Great people can come from anywhere; It’s not always limited to places where you know where people are.
In other words, you’re not simply gaslighting; You are showing bias towards this person.
- Making false promises
You promised your friend that you would go to his house at 10 a.m. but you arrive at 11. You apologize and move on.
Although it may be a small mistake, if you often fail to keep your promises, you are setting up a potentially skewed reality of what promises are for your friend.
It’s even worse if you don’t apologize.
The nature of a promise is that it is meant to be kept.
The more wrong you make your promises, the less impact the promise will have.
Your friend may become more cautious when others make promises.
- Spreading gossip
You may have heard from close acquaintances that someone you know got pregnant with a random woman and left her.
You have no evidence to prove this; They are just rumors.
But you think it’s too fun not to share, so you pass it on.
By passing this message on, you are changing people’s perceptions of the person you are talking about.
By telling others, you portray him as an impulsive, unreliable, and very promiscuous person.
When the truth is that what you are saying is not true.
You’re spreading misinformation, and that has real consequences.
In this case, it’s someone’s reputation.
- Exaggeration of experiments
When you share online that the food at the restaurant you ate at had the worst food in the world, you are spreading a lie.
Although it may be portrayed as humor, it is also possible for people to change their perception of the restaurant.
If you meet someone who loves food, you might call them interactively crazy; You’re gaslighting them into believing there’s a problem with them when there isn’t.
The food may not be bad; It’s not the kind of food you normally eat.
- Being highly motivational
When someone is falling behind you in mastery of a skill, you may feel the need to encourage them and say, “It’s going to be okay! You have something to worry about!”
Everything will work out.”
While your intent may of course be admirable, in reality, you may be setting them up for disappointment and frustration.
