Codependency is one of the most toxic dynamics you can find yourself stuck in.
And it’s not something exclusive to families and lovers, even friendships can become dependent too!
It’s helpful to know how to recognize when you’re stuck in one so you can make the necessary adjustments.
Here are 12 ways you can know if you are in a codependent friendship:
1) It was friendship at first sight!
The beginning of your friendship was intense. One could say he was very strong, and very fast.
You felt an instant connection – a connection that made you want to be best friends with them right away.
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They have so much in common with you that it’s almost crazy. You’ll say you like techno music and they’ll say “Oh my god, me too!”. You might say that people who hate “woke” people are annoying, and they’ll gasp and say, “Totally agree!”
However, although this is great, this is likely a sign that you are in an unhealthy friendship.
There’s a possibility that you’re all lonely and want to be friends so badly that you focus on your similarities while ignoring your differences.
You see, people with unhealthy levels of dependency tend to exaggerate and impose on relationships…and maybe that’s the case with you.
2) They see you as their lifeline
…Or vice versa.
You have a kind of friendship where you help each other – emotionally, socially, financially and much more.
One of you always offers help, while the other always asks for it. And while it’s perfectly normal for friends to help each other out (hey, that’s what friends do), there comes a point where this becomes excessive.
Yesterday, they asked for help with their research paper. Today they borrowed $50. Tomorrow, they will definitely think about how to “maximize” the friendship.
3) One of you feels clingy and the other feels suffocated
If you’re the clingy person, you always want to be a cheating friend 100% 24/7.
You need regular conversations and updates otherwise you feel like they don’t care about you. If they don’t respond quickly, you start to panic and ask them, “Hey, is everything okay with us?”
If you’re the one feeling suffocated, it will not only frustrate you, but make you feel like a bad friend because you don’t care as much.
This guilt would make you do whatever the clingy person wants to keep the peace…but resentment builds over time.
4) Saying “no” feels like a crime
They say, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” The approved friend takes this matter seriously.
They will use this as a measure of how much you appreciate them. The more you say “yes,” the more they will feel that your friendship is special.
They will borrow your stuff, stay there, and expect you to do them favors big and small. To be fair, most of them are willing to return the favor — and more.
But when you say “no” and mean it, they feel like you’re breaking the first commandment of friendship… and they’ll have a hard time getting past it.
They may even say manipulative things like, “I thought we were friends!” Or “I would do anything for you but you can’t even do this simple thing for me?”
5) There are too many rules
If you’ve been in a codependent friendship, you’ll realize that this friendship is anything but simple – there are a lot of do’s and don’ts.
At this point, in fact, it feels like a chore of sorts, as if you are “investing” in “building” a long-term relationship that should last a lifetime.
Rules are set or implied and are followed religiously.
One of you will say, “Hey, we should hang out every Friday no matter what, okay?” Others will pledge to do so.
People who break this rule will of course have to explain why they can’t spend “a little time” in their friendship.
Then there are rules for how you should communicate, how you should help each other, how you should share what you have, and much more.
6) Your friendship is high maintenance
You spend a lot of time with your friends. You can spend time in real life and online doing things together like it’s a full-time job.
If you do not attend, you will be considered someone who cannot maintain a friendship.
But it doesn’t just take your time, it takes your emotional space, your mental space, and even your money.
It has become difficult for you to spend time with others. And you can’t even start new hobbies because you don’t have to keep canceling dates with your friends.
7) You start imitating each other
“If I jump, you jump,” said Jack Dawson from Titanic and so do all codependents. They always want to do things together, and as a result, they start thinking in the same way.
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You may think you have a unique opinion about things, but they’re basically duplicates of your friends’ opinions.
This is when codependent friendships arise, when you start to feel like you’re just one person.
Think Mean Girls, The Heathers, and Jawbreaker.
8) You act like lovers/family, not friends
You know you’re in a codependent relationship when you start saying things like, “Friends are family.”
No, friends can be very close friends. But family? Probably not. Saying that will put so much pressure on your friendship that it will start to feel like a duty.
Friendship is freer. Even the most powerful of these beings ebb and flow, and even become dormant for a time. So saying it has to be like a family is like saying you have no choice but to perform like a family or whatever.
Friends are friends. Family is family. Sure, there will be friends who feel like family, but you shouldn’t expect or force that kind of dynamic on anyone.
9) You’re either a “good” friend or a “bad” friend.
You can’t just be a tired good friend. Or a good friend who is going through something. Or a good friend is busy.
If you’re not performing as a “good friend” as you should, then you’re a “bad friend” – it’s really just a black and white, all-or-nothing thing for a codependent friendship.
A dependent friend is deeply hurt once you stop serving as their best friend/hero/cheerleader/partner in crime. Because then, they’ll start thinking “Aren’t friends supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin?”
If you fail the “good friend” measure, you are out – you are a “bad friend.”
10) You can’t be happy if they’re miserable
Or you can’t be miserable if they are happy.
You must always match their mood or you will be seen as uncaring (or even mean!).
When they feel sad, it’s like you’re walking on eggshells. You feel like you can’t share the good news, and even feel guilty for even smiling or laughing at a joke you heard.
And if you are sad and they are happy? They’ll feel like you don’t support their happiness…and you’re actually a little bitter.
It wouldn’t even occur to them to ask, “Is she okay?” Because codependent people tend to indulge themselves.
It’s as if their mood matters a lot, while yours doesn’t matter at all.
11) You feel guilty when making new friends
They won’t say it outright, they may even act cool, but when you make new friends, they start acting indifferent towards you. They may even distance themselves.
They might jokingly ask, “So…are we still friends or do you have new friends now?”
They find it implausible that most people would remain best friends while making new ones.
It almost seems to them that you are betraying your friendship because they really believe that you have only so many friends to have at once.
12) You feel like you have to share everything
They will get upset and angry if you forget to share an important life update with them.
Of course, how dare you get into a relationship or win a competition without sharing the good news with them first!
And really, how dare they “hide” things when they always share everything about themselves so freely.
So they will exaggerate the feeling of betrayal and will question your friendship. They will start thinking you are a snake.
But it’s not just about life updates.
You feel like you have to share your thoughts, your secrets, your traumas, your private life, and even your apartment (even if you don’t really want to).
There is no such thing as healthy boundaries in a codependent friendship.
LastWords
Codependent friendships are just as harmful as emotional dependency.
In fact, it can often be more harmful because many people ignore it.
That’s why, if you suspect you may be stuck in a codependent relationship, pause. Try to take the time to understand why… and learn how to reset your friendship so it becomes healthier and more sustainable.
Please keep in mind that this may be difficult, and your friends may be hurt when you start to change. This is not entirely their fault. We’ve been conditioned through TV shows, books, and movies that friendships have to be 100% or nothing at all.
So, before you do anything, have an open discussion with your friends, as even though you love them with all your heart, you also have to make sure that you are not dependent on them.
If they are truly your best friends, they won’t demonize you for it, and will even thank you for caring about your friendship.
