If you have narcissistic family members, holiday visits can be filled with emotional landmines. When you think about spending the holiday with your family, ask yourself the following questions:
Do you get nervous when thinking about family holiday visits?
Do you find yourself thinking more about how to avoid problems than how to have fun?
Do you expect to feel free to be yourself with family members during this holiday?
Do you visit family members more out of obligation than choice?
If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, here are 12 ways on how to deal with a narcissist so you can have a more enjoyable vacation:
1. Know your way.
Being around narcissists can seem like an endless series of fights. One effective way to avoid skirmishes is to declare that you are on the path toward what you value most. Maybe it’s healing, growth, learning, love, peace, self-confidence, or being the best version of yourself.
If your priority for a narcissist is emotional survival, you will focus on survival. If your number one priority is not controlled, you will focus on avoiding control. Focusing on survival or avoiding control can make you feel small.
On the other hand, if your priority is growing, learning, or being the best you can be, that will be your focus. When something annoying comes along you can ask yourself, “How can I incorporate this into my path? How can this help me learn?”
Doing this allows you to take advantage of whatever happens, no matter how annoying it may be at that moment.
2. Share wisely.
Narcissists will often use the personal information you share with them against you. Be wise about sharing sensitive information, especially about loaded topics like your love life, money, diet, politics, religion, lifestyle, goals, feelings, health, and work.
With extreme narcissists, this may not leave much to talk about! But it’s best to reserve these topics for more secure and trustworthy people in your life.
When faced with intrusive questions, borrow a page from the doctors of political propaganda. Instead of answering the question you’re asked, answer with the topic you want to talk about.
For example, if a nosy family member asks you if you’re sticking to your budget or diet, you could talk about how great your job is or how well your nieces and nephews are growing. Or you can simply ask the narcissist about something you know they would like to talk about.
Who cares if you change the subject? You don’t have to answer questions that make you uncomfortable.
3. Have realistic expectations.
Holidays can be wonderful but stressful. Many of us tend to retreat into family roles or previous moods. It’s okay to have mixed feelings. You may feel bored, frustrated, angry, sad, anxious, happy, and more. These feelings will pass
Don’t expect to spend an entire year catching up or saying everything you want to say during your holiday visit. Holidays should be about relaxation and celebration, not work.
4. Take care of yourself.
Maintain helpful routines that help you in your daily life, especially during the holidays. Pay attention to your eating, exercise, and sleep habits. Take time for yourself, even if it’s for a short walk. Take a nap, read, or do other self-care behaviors. You don’t need permission.
One useful technique is “nine by nine.” This means that at 9 pm, look back at your day and list nine things you did or experienced that day that you feel positive about.
You can include anything: doing nice things for yourself like flossing your teeth, getting some small task you’ve been meaning to do done, doing something thoughtful for someone else, sitting for a few moments to enjoy the beauty around you, trying some new experiences, or gain money. a wage.
There is nothing magical about 9 pm or the number nine. Choose any time when you are likely to have a few free minutes to do this. Studies have shown that taking a few minutes a day to write down things you feel good about can increase your mood, confidence, and optimism.
5. Be a cultural anthropologist.
In severe or anxiety-provoking situations, sometimes the best course of action is simply to observe. Try this experiment: Approach a visiting family vacation like an anthropologist.
From the moment you arrive, make mental notes of what you noticed. How do people say “hello” or greet others? How do people express their needs or feelings? What are the clear norms and expectations? What feels frustrating or blocked and how are these things communicated?
In quiet moments to yourself during the visit, you can reflect on what you observed. You can write in a journal, email, or call a friend. What do you think about this specific “culture” you are visiting? What is healthy and what is unhealthy?
Also notice how the environment affects you, the observer. Especially notice black-and-white thoughts, self-criticism, or negative ratings about yourself. Would you let anyone else say such negative things to you? Then don’t say it to yourself.
The great thing about research projects like this is that nothing can go wrong. Anything that happens is data you can learn from. This can take the pressure and attention off yourself.
6. Make an exit plan.
You have the right to take some time for yourself or remove yourself from the conversation at any time for any reason. Although narcissists may handle it this way, your vacation is not someone else’s leadership performance.
You can always look at your phone and say, “Excuse me, I have a work call to take.” Or text, email, or call a friend or therapist.
You always have more than one choice when dealing with a narcissist, even if you don’t feel like it at first. In the face of the narcissist’s demands, insults, or attempts to manipulate you, you may say no, excuse yourself, or say you have to think about it.
7. Know where to draw the line.
In dealing with narcissists you may have to choose from imperfect options. To help you make the best choices, think ahead about what you will and won’t tolerate.
Know where to draw the line. The main question you should ask yourself is “At what cost?” How much should I pay or give up? Once you know this, it becomes easier to know when to set boundaries, speak up, let it go, or walk away.
8. Agree to disagree.
If things get tough, declare a holiday truce. Tell a family member: “Let’s agree to disagree.” Find distractions as needed, such as a game or movie.
9. Don’t lose your voice.
“What is the best way to care for me and meet my needs in this situation?”
“Is this how I want to treat myself or others?”
“How do I want to be in the world right now?”
10. Use mistakes to learn.
If you say or do things you regret, instead of beating yourself up or feeling like a failure, ask yourself: What would I have said or done if I had not been provoked? What would I want to do or say next time if a similar situation occurred?
This is practicing, not rehashing. It takes you from regret to action.
11. Remember your rights.
You may disagree, say “no,” or take time to think about requests or comments before responding.
Narcissists assume they know you, but in reality, you know yourself much better than they do. You know what’s good for you. You are the best judge of this, not the narcissist.
12. It’s your choice.
It may be helpful to have an honest conversation with yourself or a trusted friend, partner, or therapist about whether you want to be with family for the holidays.
You may want to list the pros and cons. Ask yourself: “What is the worst-case scenario if I go or I don’t go?” You may want to shorten or modify the planned trip or forego the visit altogether.
If you want less contact or a different type of contact, you have the absolute right to ask for it. Others may be upset, but that’s not your problem. Remind yourself that you are not doing this to hurt anyone. Rather, you choose what will take care of you. This is your right and this is your job.
The holidays can be a time for connection and renewal. Thinking ahead and making sure you take care of yourself can help you connect and renew rather than disconnect and retreat
