Narcissists behaviors can be mystifying and maddening if you expect them to consistently act like adults.

Though narcissists can behave like adults much of the time, when they feel embarrassed, ignored or inferior they may revert to a childlike state, acting like children during the terrible twos.

In a way, this regression makes sense. Narcissistic personality disorder or a narcissistic style often develops due to early trauma or family influences that can leave aspects of a person stuck at an emotionally young age.

For example, imagine a young child holding his hand in the cookie jar when asked to wait until after dinner. Children respond to such situations with one or more instinctive responses. By the same token, adult narcissists use sophisticated versions of these same childish responses.

As you read the following examples, you may want to think about a narcissist in your life and note any similarities to how the narcissist you know responds when he or she feels stressed, belittled, or frustrated.

What a child with his hand in the cookie jar might do

1) He denied that they did that

I didn’t eat one. I was just looking for later.

2) Blame someone else

But the sister said everything was fine.

3) Pretend they don’t know what you’re talking about

What are cookies?

4) Throw a tantrum

5) Say they have no choice

I was so hungry I couldn’t help it.

6) Mention the good deeds they did

But yesterday I stored all my toys. Aren’t you proud of me?

7) Crying or acting like a victim

You mean a lot to me. not fair.

8) Hide or escape

9) Try to charm you

But I love you so much, mom.

10) Change the topic

Can I go out and play?”

11) He ignores you or objects

12) I’m angry with you because you caught them

Stop spying on me!

Such childish responses bear an uncanny resemblance to the major tactics narcissists use to avoid responsibility and manipulate others:

• denial
• blaming
• Pretending
• Acting on impulse
• Making excuses
• Seeking credit
• Playing the victim
• escape from
• Breathtaking
• Distraction
• Procrastination
• attack

Recognizing the childish nature of narcissists’ responses can strengthen you when dealing with narcissists. The next time you find yourself confused or defensive due to narcissistic behavior, picture it as a two-year-old in an adult’s body. Doing this can give you perspective and allow you to respond rather than react.

If an adult narcissist is acting like a child, you may need to treat him or her as you would a child. As an adult or parent, you can see through children’s attempts to avoid blame and shame. You don’t take it personally, but you also set healthy boundaries, because it’s in their best interest as well as yours.

The difference with adult narcissists is that they have more power than children. Their tactics can affect you and pose a danger. You have to choose your answers wisely. Here are some strategies that can help:

Givethemchoices

If you take your child to a crowded restaurant when you are in a hurry, you are giving the child options. Instead of asking them what they want to eat, you say do you want pizza or PBJ? Likewise, suggesting options or choices to the narcissist may make them believe they have control and can move the situation forward.

Have realistic expectations

Don’t expect a young child to behave in the manner of a mature adult. Likewise, you are generally unlikely to make a mistake by underestimating a narcissist’s level of maturity. You don’t have to tolerate abusive behavior. But expecting emotional maturity from a 2-year-old at any age will leave you frustrated.

Don’t take it personally

Don’t take a scowl personally from a 2-year-old. They are in the midst of emotions that they have not yet learned to contain or calm. Likewise, narcissists generally cannot contain their emotions when they feel embarrassed or disappointed. We realize that they are overwhelmed with emotions that are so huge for them that they cannot deal with them in a mature way.