Narcissists defy logic. Only a small minority of people have the self-awareness to seek help. Some of them appear to be highly competent and even successful. But the majority are completely unaware of the devastating impact they have on the people around them.

The narcissistic grandmother is the latter type. She doesn’t realize the extent of her problems, and she tends to find fault with everyone but herself. This is typical of most narcissists.

So before we get into the specific signs of a narcissistic grandmother and how you can deal with her, let’s take a look at what narcissism is.

This article was written by Lana Adler, founder of Toxic Ties.

WhatIsNarcissism?

Narcissism (or Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD) is a pattern of selfish thinking and behavior characterized by an intense desire for attention and a lack of empathy for others.

Everyone has some degree of narcissism. We all enjoy receiving praise or admiration. We often prioritize our own needs over those of others, and sometimes fail to acknowledge or empathize with someone else’s suffering.

For example, you might enjoy the attention you get when you wear that tight dress. You might accept a promotion at work even though your coworker deserves it more than you. Or there’s something we all do: You know about the deep humanitarian crises in the Third World, but you forget about it and go buy the latest iPhone.

Although this sounds bad, it is not pathological. At least not in the clinical sense.

But when it comes to pathological narcissism, the traits of selfishness and indifference to others become extreme and even dangerous.

So what are the specific signs of narcissistic personality disorder? According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, a person must exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

An exaggerated sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believing that one is special and can only be understood by other exceptional people

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)

Exploiting others

A lack of empathy

Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy

Arrogance.

Most people with narcissistic traits do not fit the clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder.

However, a grandmother with narcissistic tendencies can be just as damaging as someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The Two Types of Narcissism

Narcissists usually fall into two broad categories: grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists.

Grandiose (or overt) narcissists enjoy being the center of attention, believe in their uniqueness and superiority, and feel they deserve the best things in life. These are what people call “selfish.”

Vulnerable (or covert) narcissists are more subtle about the same needs and beliefs.

They are torn between contradictions. On the one hand, they believe in their superiority over others.

On the other hand, they suffer from feelings of inferiority, shame, and fear of criticism. So they prefer to stay “behind the scenes” and play the role of victim or martyr.

A narcissistic grandmother is likely to be a covert type.

12 Signs Your Grandma Is a Narcissist

As we discussed, not all narcissists are the same. There is a lot of diversity in the behavior and personality of narcissists.

However, if you suspect that your children’s grandmother is a narcissist, there is a good chance that she will exhibit the following signs.

1. She has strong controlling and manipulative tendencies

Things have to go her way, or else. To get what she wants, she often uses subtle or manipulative tactics such as guilt tripping, manipulation, playing the victim, etc.

These tactics are her weapons of choice because they are subtle enough to evade responsibility but effective enough to get the message across to you.

2. She has volatile reactions

A narcissistic grandmother makes you feel like you have to constantly walk on eggshells, or else she will explode in anger or shut down. She overreacts to the smallest perceived disagreements and slights, and demands complete obedience.

Whenever you cross the line, the narcissistic grandmother will get angry or threaten to cut you and your children out of her life (or will). So you feel like the relationship with her could break at any moment.

4. Her logic seems unstable or ridiculous

Her reactions are often illogical when you disagree with her and she tries to prove your point.

This is because she engages in circular conversations also known as “word salad” with the intention of confusing you and ensuring that the conversation never reaches the solution you seek.

After arguing with her, you will feel drained, frustrated, and dissatisfied.

5. She plays the “favorite” game with her grandchildren

A narcissistic grandmother will likely choose one grandchild from the herd to love and idolize. She will place this child on a pedestal, while the others will only receive crumbs of her love.

She has done the same with her own children, choosing one child to be the “golden child,” and the other – the “scapegoat.” This is typical for families where one or both parents are narcissists.

6. She “grooms” her grandchildren

The term “grooming” refers to the grandmother gaining the trust and loyalty of the grandchild in order to manipulate them. Narcissistic grooming may come in the form of gifts, special attention, special privileges, keeping secrets, etc.

The goals of grooming can range from gaining narcissistic supply (the love and admiration of grandchildren) to turning your children against you.

7. She won’t admit anything

Narcissistic grandmothers will often cross boundaries, question your judgment, and undermine you as a parent.

If you confront her, she will likely deny the abuse, turn the tables on you, or feign innocence. No matter what you say, she won’t accept responsibility or apologize.

8. She has “flying monkeys.”

Abusive grandmothers are adept at manipulating people’s perceptions of them.

So, some family members will buy into her actions and see her only the way she wants them to see her.

They will become her enablers—people who support the view that anyone who challenges Grandma is ultimately wrong.

So, if an argument arises, they’ll come to Grandma’s defense and act like her good little soldiers or “flying monkeys.”

Of course, this is very intentional. Grandma is manipulating them to do her bidding.

9. She Makes Holidays and Special Occasions Difficult

Family gatherings should be joyful, productive events. What’s better than sharing a meal with the people you love?

But in addition to turkey and mashed potatoes, narcissistic grandmas always have some drama cooking up for the holidays.

You can expect her to cause an argument, say something hurtful, or otherwise ruin everyone’s fun time.

10. She Lies About Everything

Sometimes it’s confusing because she even lies about things she has no reason to lie about.

This is because she is a pathological liar. Lying is her way of life. She will treat you like a traitor and a scapegoat when you start to see through her lies.

She will even accuse you of lying – a tactic called “projection.” This is all done to evade accountability and maintain control.

11. She is a grandmother when it suits her

She wants to see the grandchildren on her terms: for example, only at her house, or only when she asks. She also uses them to enhance her public persona.

Whenever she gets the chance to show off what a great grandma she is, she will put on a show and play the loving, caring grandma to garner public praise. But in private, she is often neglectful of the grandchildren.

12. She does “disappearing acts.”

Like any narcissist, a narcissistic grandmother is extremely sensitive to any criticism, and even an innocent comment can be taken as an insult and a sign of disrespect.

When this happens, the grandmother is likely to give you and your entire family the silent treatment.

So, from time to time, you’ll disappear into this cone of silence that is meant to punish anyone who disobeys it.

The silent treatment can last for days, weeks, months, and even years! And parents are often at a loss for what to say to their children.

4 Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic Grandma

Now that you’ve identified the signs of a narcissistic grandma, let’s get to effective strategies for dealing with them.

1. Set Boundaries.

Narcissistic grandmas are notorious for crossing boundaries and ignoring instructions. The only way to deal with this is to continue setting boundaries and distancing yourself when necessary.

You can try what Dr. Craig Malkin calls a “contact contract.” This is when you lay out the terms of your agreement to spend time with a narcissist, and what happens if the narcissist violates that agreement.

This is actually simpler than it sounds. Let’s say a narcissistic grandma wants you and your kids to come over.

You say, “We’ll come. But if I hear yelling (swearing, insults, etc.), we can’t stay. So it’s really up to you if my kids and I come and spend time with you.”

2. Maintaining Emotional Distance

This is probably the most important coping strategy when dealing with a narcissistic grandmother or any type of narcissist.

Maintaining emotional distance has two parts: not allowing Grandma to elicit an emotional response from you, and not showing Grandma any emotions.

In literature, this is referred to as the “gray rock method.” This is when you don’t react to anything the narcissist says or does and you remain as vital as a rock. It’s kind of the emotional equivalent of playing dead.

The narcissistic grandmother feeds on your emotional energy. The angrier you get, the more “food” you get. If you don’t give her anything, she’ll eventually leave you alone.

3. Rely on your support system

Narcissistic grandmothers can create a lot of chaos, stress, and confusion in your life. They can leave you exhausted and frustrated, especially when your children are caught in the middle.

In times like these, you should turn to your support system. It could be your spouse, a sibling, or a friend.

The important thing is that they can provide you with a fresh perspective on the situation and give you emotional support when you need it most.

So don’t think you can handle everything on your own! Ask for help from people who love you.

4. Pick your battles.

Sometimes, you have to let go of the little things. This isn’t the same as appeasing a narcissistic grandmother. Stand up for the things that really matter to you—the things you consider essential to your children’s safety and well-being.

But constantly bickering and fighting with a narcissistic grandmother isn’t good for anyone, including you.

If you choose to have a narcissistic grandmother in your life, you should have reasonable expectations of her.

She is who she is. If you’re willing to accept her into your life and the lives of your children, learn to tolerate some of her “charm.”

Set boundaries when you need to, but don’t make your relationship a constant battlefield. That will only wear you down mentally and physically.

Final Thoughts

Having a narcissistic grandmother in your life can be exhausting, confusing, and disorienting. Her abusive ways are subtle but deadly. And oftentimes, you may even feel anxious about leaving your children with her.

Your concerns are not without foundation. Narcissists can cause harm to those around them. For this reason, many people choose not to have contact with narcissistic family members, friends, or partners.

But that’s a topic for another discussion. I want to leave you with this: You are in control, even if you don’t feel it.

I know that the narcissistic grandmother has a way of making you feel powerless, but that’s an illusion. That’s the smoke and mirrors she hides. And it only works if you believe it.

Focusing on how terrible or difficult they are to deal with won’t help when it comes to toxic or narcissistic people. Instead, shift your attention to how to deal with them. In other words, don’t focus on the problems; focus on the solutions.

This will make you feel more empowered and in control of the situation. So no matter what the narcissistic grandmother throws at you, you have strong coping strategies in place.

This will help you reduce the amount of stress you face when dealing with the grandmother, and set a positive example for your children on how to deal with difficult individuals.