People—especially those closest to you—profoundly impact your well-being. We all go through the ups and downs of living with and loving imperfect people, but ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy, not frustration.
Every person on this planet deserves to have rich, rewarding, and secure relationships. And every person on this planet has a responsibility to participate in creating those relationships. Let’s learn how to spot the signs of a toxic relationship so we can start creating healthy ones instead.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship has unhealthy dynamics and causes you distress or hurt because you’re unsupportive, manipulative, or disrespectful. While we all have moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will take and take and take and never give you anything in return. It’s like being bitten by a vampire (Team Edward!) and your energy, joy, and independence are drained. You find yourself serving someone at the expense of your feelings, needs, and joy.
Don’t get me wrong—service and sacrifice are part of a good relationship. Challenges, disagreements, forgiveness, and discomfort. But a healthy relationship is life-giving for both parties. Challenges and sacrifices flow and rise toward connection and love.
By the way, most people talk about toxic relationships in the context of romance, but the reality is that any relationship can become toxic, including relationships with coworkers, relatives, parents, siblings, and friends.
12 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
So, how do we tell the difference between the normal challenges of any relationship and a truly toxic one? Here are some common signs of toxic relationships to look out for.
- You don’t feel safe.
And I don’t mean physically (although that applies, too). I’m talking about feeling emotionally safe. Can you share your thoughts and feelings openly with this person? Does your voice matter? Or do you feel like you’re always editing yourself, afraid of what they might do or say if you were completely honest?
A healthy relationship gives people the space to be imperfect and accountable at the same time. You can tell each other the good things and the bad things, and talk openly about who hurt you. You can be completely visible and still be completely loved.
Now let’s be clear: In most cases, you won’t share your deepest pain with your spouse’s in-laws the way you might with a trusted friend. Safety has levels, depending on the relationship. It takes wisdom to discern the depth and nuances of each relationship.
- You have poor (or nonexistent) communication.
Good communication is the lifeblood of every relationship, and it’s easy to get sidetracked unintentionally. My wife and I went through seasons of toxicity because I was afraid to express my needs and desires. I hoped and assumed, and when my expectations weren’t met, I judged, felt deeply disappointed, and became resentful. It wasn’t until I opened up that we were able to truly connect.
Make no mistake, honesty doesn’t mean everything will be okay. Things will probably be uncomfortable or painful. That’s normal. But burying your pain and needs deep inside only leads to resentment.
Oftentimes, an emotionally charged conversation activates our fight, flight, or freezes response. You become explosive, face the threat directly, or withdraw into a cold silence.
Other examples of poor communication include wordplay, word manipulation, dishonesty, and passing judgment on others’ words without asking for clarification.
- You feel neglected and exploited.
I live in the woods in middle Tennessee. Because we have a large outdoor space, we have a garden. Imagine this with me: What if I left my plants to fend for themselves, without watering, weeding, or fertilizing them? It wouldn’t end well.
I don’t sound like a hippie, but people need care just as much as my garden. If your partner doesn’t respect and care for your basic needs—not because you can’t, but because they care about you—you’re not in a healthy relationship. You’re likely not just being ignored—you’re being exploited in a toxic relationship.
- You feel like you’ve lost yourself.
Toxic people tend to absorb, manipulate, and shape people to fit their agendas. Their plans and interests dominate the relationship. You often find yourself doing things you don’t want to do just to please them—violating your core values, going places that make you uncomfortable, or spending time with people who trigger your anxiety alarms.
Never forget: You have the power. It’s up to you—not your partner—to recognize these patterns and set healthy boundaries. It’s your job to say no, assert yourself, and live your values. But toxic people often get resentful, frustrated, or angry when you set boundaries or live your values.
Quick note: It’s often hard to see this on your own. Give trusted friends or loved ones permission to speak into your life when they see you disappearing into someone else’s. Often, the people closest to us can see things we can’t.
- Judgment—not curiosity—is the norm.
We all have quirks about us that make life interesting and challenging. The lifeblood of a relationship is curiosity, not judgment. If you like to wake up early and your partner likes to sleep in late, that’s great. Instead of saying, “You should be up early!” ask, “Why do you like to sleep in so late?”
Aside from being quirky, we all make mistakes. We say or do things that hurt, upset, or accidentally bump into other people. But these human errors do not equate to signs of a toxic relationship. We need people who care enough to mention them. Challenge and accountability are important parts of any worthwhile relationship. But a toxic person will approach you with condemnation, not empathy. They will weaponize your past mistakes. Judgment is one of the clear signs of a toxic relationship.
- You feel belittled and ashamed.
Does this person make you feel inferior? Do they belittle or demean you? Do you feel stupid or ashamed? These are all signs of emotional immaturity — and clear indicators that it’s a toxic relationship. Emotionally immature people need to prop themselves up on a pile of mistakes, failures, and flaws. When they can’t find something bad to point out, they tend to invent something or rub their nose in something from the past. - You don’t receive empathy.
Empathy is like a pair of glasses you put on to see the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s a choice to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). It’s a choice not to lecture those who are having a hard time about why they should be grateful. It’s also a choice not to remind people who are living a good life of all the suffering in the world.
A toxic person is overly focused on their own needs and desires, blinding them to the realities of the people around them. When you open up and share your heart with a toxic person, you’ll be met with indifference instead of empathy, and redirection instead of celebration. They may dismiss you when you share important things, turn the conversation back to themselves, and outshine you when you tell stories.
- You’re playing a dysfunctional role.
We often replay family dynamics and relational stories from our childhood in our adult relationships. For better or worse, these stories are the roadmaps we follow in our lives. For example, a woman might marry a man who sits on the couch and plays video games all day so she can take on the role of mother. Or a child may take care of an addicted parent, believing they must fix their parent.
Being stuck in a dysfunctional role is a sign of a toxic relationship because such a relationship cannot be a source of life and mutual support. Is the person you are with willing to grow and take responsibility for themselves? Are you willing to grow? It is only when we begin to question our automatic roles that we begin to heal and change our generational legacy.
- You feel controlled or manipulated.
A toxic person feels an urgent desire to tip the balance of power in their favor. They may check up on you all the time or constantly nudge you about where you are going and what you are doing. Your partner may use the relationship to manipulate you into doing things. They may withdraw when you annoy them and rush back when you do something “right.”
A good test for this is to think of something that brings you joy. If you immediately think, Yes, but [insert name here] will get angry, you are likely being controlled or manipulated.
- You live under a cloud of anger.
Toxic people are often chronically critical, sarcastic, and cynical. Are you always on the fence with this person? Are they always frustrated about something? Do they have outbursts of anger? A chronically angry person is emotionally unwell and can’t be a supportive partner. When you feel like you have to hide, you know it’s toxic. - Extreme jealousy affects your actions.
There’s a difference between missing someone and being passive-aggressive when they’re living their own life. If the other person has jealous reactions to your normal activities—or feels unnecessarily jealous when they do things without you—it could be a sign of a toxic relationship. - You have limited—or no access to—money, friends, family, or other resources.
A telltale sign of a toxic relationship is when one person restricts resources that would keep the other person healthy and supported. Maybe you don’t have access to bank accounts, or your partner tracks your phone records. Now, a relationship with healthy boundaries means that you respect your partner’s wishes if they ask you not to spend time with someone who poses a danger or threat to your family. But if you’re isolated from supportive, loving friends and family, this could be one of many signs of a toxic relationship.
