If you’ve ever broken up with a narcissist or been dumped by someone, you know how uncomfortable that can feel. It may feel like you are freed from the manipulation and emotional pain of not being good enough for them.
Unfortunately, in some cases, you may end up stuck in a relationship with someone who is “circling” you, so even leaving the relationship no longer feels like solace.
#What is narcissism, and how do you know if it’s happening to you?
“Hoovering” is a form of narcissistic abuse where your ex tries to convince you to return to the relationship through manipulation and lies. This can happen to anyone who has a narcissistic ex-partner, regardless of whether they were the one who left or the narcissist broke up with them.
So, are narcissists trying to get you back? Yes, but it’s not because they love you, it’s because they love themselves.
Related: What Being In A Relationship With A Narcissist Really Does To A Person
#What does it mean to hover someone?
“Hoovering” is an emotional abuse tactic used by narcissists and other manipulative personality types to suck their victims back into a relationship with them due to their low narcissistic reserve.
According to Donna Andersen, who specializes in love recovery for narcissists and sociopaths and is the founder of Love Fraud:
“Relationships with narcissists are highly addictive. What you experience as ‘love’ is an addiction or a trauma bond — a strong emotional attachment to someone destructive to you — that makes you want to be with that person. You feel forced.
So, when the narcissist shows up again, apologizing or promising that everything will be great, you want to believe. You’ve been sucked in again. You’ve been hovering.
This dilemma is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and it makes a lot of sense because the “hoover” treats you like dirt. When someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is out of a relationship, they think they need attention from you, from their ex. They will try to drag you back with promises to be better or stop behaving in certain ways.
Narcissists hover because they need to be adored, and who better to absorb that energy than someone they decide is still vulnerable to them?
The person wandering around could be at a low point in their life and may need a quick fix, so they look for the easiest and quickest source: you, the person who knows how to manipulate them and is also emotionally abusive.
Does the narcissist stop being so high? Unfortunately, the answer is no. They will probably find a new victim to focus on, but even that may not stop them from reaching out to you sometimes and making you feel bad.
Related: What Being In A Relationship With A Narcissist Really Does To A Person
12 Hoover signs
To end these abusive cycles, you must learn to recognize when you are being love-bombed or attacked, and start setting boundaries.
1. Narcissists send you messages pretending nothing happened.
One day, out of the blue, you get a message saying, “Hey stranger, long time no talk,” or “What’s going on?” We don’t share.
2. Narcissists use a special occasion excuse to communicate.
Simply translate “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” to mean “I need some attention.”
3. Narcissists ask you seemingly random questions.
“What was the name of the sushi restaurant we visited in Santa Barbara?” Feel free to answer any way you want, but they don’t want to know the answer; They want to make you focus on them.
Related: How To Use The Gray Rock Method To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Abuser
4. These abusers communicate under the guise of anxiety.
“I was thinking about you” means “I was thinking about myself” and “How can I use you to distract myself.” Don’t be fooled.
5. Narcissists drag your children into the discussion
This is especially so if they are not the children of the narcissist. This could sound something like: “I know you hate me, but please tell Jake to score a goal for me.”
6. Someone will invite you to activities they know you like.
They might say, “Hey, do you want to watch some Oscar-nominated movies with me?” the answer? “no I don’t.”
7. Narcissists flatter you or praise you for no reason.
For example, “I read your article on Miley Cyrus’s philosophy, and I was amazed. Your writing speaks to me.”
They know that you probably miss them or are struggling after a breakup, and that hearing kind words will build you up. But this is just love trying to bomb you.
Related: What It Means To Love A Narcissist — 3 Ways They Hurt You & 5 Ways To Get Your Self-Esteem Back
8. Narcissists ask for your help or claim to be in crisis.
Anyone knows that it’s hard to resist when someone reaches out during a crisis.
But don’t worry – there’s no aunt with cancer, and the hovercraft isn’t worried about a mole on his left shoulder. It just uses all the tricks in the manual.
9. Your abuser will send you “unintentional” calls or texts.
Who says narcissists can’t be evil geniuses? A bad call can cause a lot of pain with just a few strokes.
If you receive a text that says, “See you in ten minutes. I love you,” that message is supposed to be directed to his current girlfriend but is being sent as a stab in the heart. Then, there’s the text “Karen called and said Curtis is in the hospital. Call him immediately,” so you feel compelled to call the driver.
10. Animal owners promise to improve or stop bad behavior.
This includes texting “I’ll go to AA if I come back” or “I might do something harmful to myself if you don’t respond.” They may also claim to have received medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment to get help. They didn’t.
The narcissistic manipulator knows that it’s hard to say no to something when someone’s life is in the balance.
Related: What It Means To Love A Narcissist — 3 Ways They Hurt You & 5 Ways To Get Your Self-Esteem Back
11. Narcissists will pretend you are the wanderer.
“Did you call me?” or “Were you driving by my house right now?” These are the phrases they will say. No one likes to be accused of harassing someone, but the person doing the triggering is just trying to get you to respond.
12. Someone will accuse you of trying to get their attention.
It’s just a trick to get you to respond so they can drag you into the conversation again. Maybe you received a text message saying, “Stop following me.” You’re upset and intrigued because, ultimately, you’re minding your own business.
Although it may be tempting to have them clarify their text, communicating in response means scrolling is working, so don’t do it. You know you’re not going after them, so leave it at that.
It’s tempting to finally hear what you’ve been wanting to hear since she left you and think that this will help heal the pain. But it will do exactly the opposite.
The inevitable don’t care about you because you’re just part of their sick game. Choose to let them go and not play.
People with personality disorders such as narcissism do not have lasting relationships and do not feel love for anyone but themselves. The reason they hover over you is 100 percent for themselves — you’re not even in the equation.
If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety due to ongoing emotional abuse by a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone and does not reflect who you are or anything you have done wrong.
