Mothers-in-law of emotional manipulatives can do great harm to a healthy relationship. The good news is that there are signs you can look out for and ways to deal with this problem.
When it comes to relationships, many issues come up. At one time or another, there may be financial problems, trust issues, or minor family quarrels. But one of the toughest issues can be an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law.
Signs of an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law
You see, not all relationship problems happen inside the home. Sometimes it is bred within the extended family. Here are some signs that your mother-in-law is manipulative, so you can try to understand why and protect your family.
- She is passive aggressive
Passive aggression is one of the most insidious tactics used by emotionally manipulative in-laws. This therapy involves the use of heavy implications rather than obvious actions or statements. It is an attitude or energy used to make some points, and if you don’t get the point, your mother-in-law will get angry. She’s had plenty of time to show anger quietly and under most radars. - She is always right
See, you won’t be able to argue with your mother-in-law when she acts this way. When she decides she wants to buy a new set of chairs for your dining room or change your kids’ clothes, she won’t be happy until she gets what she wants. Now, I’m not saying that you should just give in to her every whim, but it wouldn’t be easy to disagree with her because she simply “knows better.” And don’t forget, she’s never wrong. - She doesn’t respect your boundaries
An emotionally manipulative mother-in-law will not respect the boundaries you set for your life. You will come unannounced all the time. If you leave the door open, you’ll dance right away. You’ll go inside, start cooking in your kitchen, and even plan dinner without consulting us first. There are no limits. - She can compete with you
If your mother-in-law is always competing with you, this is also manipulation. This insecurity you talked about before causes her to compete with the things you do for your significant other.
This may include cooking her baby’s favorite meals, buying her expensive gifts, and whatever else it takes to get you better. All this is done out of fear that she will no longer have a place in her child’s life. And this competition can be tough.
- You think you have to be perfect
There is nothing you can do to please your emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. This is because she expects you to be perfect, and no one is perfect. But you see, no one will ever be good enough for her child, and the pressure she will put on you will be enormous. She will expect you to maintain a clean house and look charming at the same time. Constant lice will drain you. - You will remind your partner of past relationships
Some in-laws may innocently talk about girls from their son’s high school years or old friends from college. However, manipulators will play past relationships over and over again in an attempt to elicit a negative reaction from you. You want to make you jealous, and with your jealousy you say,
“Why are you so jealous?”
Indeed, it is not wise to dominate the conversation with memories of past partners. They are in the past for a reason.
- She plays the victim well
Beware of the mother-in-law who plays the victim. This is an emotionally manipulative individual. If your wife has been out for a while and her mom is here, be wary. This is an excellent opportunity for your mother-in-law to stir up trouble and play the victim.
When she sees her daughter again, she can tell all kinds of lies about you and portray herself as innocent. When in fact, maybe nothing happened, or even worse, maybe she teased you while her daughter was out. This behavior is manipulative.
- She’s an expert spy
Sometimes a toxic mother-in-law shows her true colors by spying on you. You may think that she is not paying attention, but look closely.
Yes! That was a fake smile that flashed as it caught her attention. But when you looked the other way, you calculatedly tried to find every crack and imperfection in your behavior. It’s bone-chilling. Oh, not to mention she’ll come and look through the window too if you don’t answer her knock on the door.
- You manipulate children
If you have kids, she’ll talk bad about you to them, both in private and when you’re around. You might also allow them to do the things you told them not to do. And if your kids see something going on between you and your mother-in-law, she’ll reframe the incident to make you look like the bad guy.
Naturally, this makes her look like the victim. You’ll notice that she uses a victim mentality quite a bit and with both your partner and the kids.
- They make you feel insecure
Because your emotionally manipulative mother-in-law was using all these different tactics, you may have become insecure. And your insecurities, if you are not careful, will also be used against you. She will notice every doubt as if she can read your thoughts. So, keep your mind well-guarded against her attacks. Sudden insecurity is a huge sign that she is manipulating you. - She’s a narcissist
Sometimes manipulation runs deep in people’s souls. As for your mother-in-law, this may also be the case. If she is a narcissist, she will want to be the center of attention. She will interrupt you when you speak, and she will ruin your plans. If you make dinner reservations and find out, you’ll convince your partner to do something else at the same time.
And empathy wouldn’t be among her strong suits. Maybe you don’t care how you feel.
- She only loves you openly
The thing about an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law is that she will show you lots of love and affection…but only in public. This is because she wants everyone outside of the family to see how sweet and sweet she is, while behind closed doors it’s quite another. The stark contrast in her behavior is startling.
So what can you do?
Well, here’s the thing, you can change this, but it won’t be easy. There are some steps you should take to protect yourself. Trust me, you will need to make sure your mental health is fortified when you are attacked by an emotionally manipulative mother-in-law. Check this out:
- Get your partner on board
You can’t change anything until you get your partner in on what’s going on. It seems like it should be obvious when manipulation is taking place, but it isn’t, hence the word “manipulation.” But if you can get your significant other to see some weird things going on, maybe they can stand up for you. - Keep a record
Whenever you can, take pictures of important things, people, places, or situations that can rebuke any lies that have been told about you. Secretly record your mother-in-law when she says negative things about you and keep that record for “evidence”. Write down the facts and keep a journal of manipulative events, so you can refer back to this information later.
- Set stronger boundaries
If your boundaries are being broken, set stronger ones. Set a rule that everyone must call before coming to visit. I know this sounds harsh, but if your mother-in-law isn’t respectful of your time and home, it’s time to change the rules. You can also set a specific day of the week that you don’t accept visitors. - Stay strong and maintain your self-esteem
Most importantly, don’t let your mother-in-law influence your self-worth. You know who you are, so don’t let someone else change that. Although these manipulative actions can be stressful, you must do everything you need to do to stay healthy. If you need to get away, do so. If you need to drive, go. Please do if you need to get away from a toxic situation.
One last thought
If your mother-in-law is emotionally manipulative, this is a common occurrence. Many of us do. The good news is that sometimes you can help her change. If it’s the case that your mother-in-law is feeling insecure and clinging to her child, you can soothe that pain. Sometimes, let her win. Sometimes, let her cook your partner’s favorite dish.
I think it’s about a healthy balance of compromise and assertiveness. But the bottom line is that you will be the judge for yourself. ask yourself this,
