Words are one of the most powerful tools a person can use to manipulate others.
Sometimes words can seem so innocent that even the mere thought of doubting them can seem completely wrong.
To better protect yourself from manipulators, you need to know their favorite phrases, so that when you hear them, you can stop and say, “Hmm, are they manipulating me?”
Here are 12 phrases that manipulators love to use and why they work.
1) “If you say so…”
Now this may sound cute, but if someone has a habit of saying this phrase whenever they don’t get what they want, they are trying to manipulate you.
They want you to feel bad for ignoring or “ignoring” their wishes or advice.
It’s a way of saying, “So you think you’re right? Well, don’t blame me when things go wrong!”
This is often accompanied by an “I told you so!” if things don’t go as planned.
2) “It’s not all about you”
Phrases like this are meant to subtly pressure you into rethinking yourself.
But if you think about what they’re saying, you’ll find that it’s not so subtle at all.
They’re outright accusing you of being selfish or even narcissistic while trying to put themselves above you by acting cool and mature!
You might be tempted to respond with “I’m not like that!”, which would be a mistake.
If in doubt, you can always explain things to uninvolved friends and get their opinions.
Because you know what? The people who are accusing you of being selfish are probably the ones doing it themselves.
3) “Why do they treat you like you’re trash?”
The thing to take away from this phrase is that it’s a double-edged sword.
It’s not necessarily an immediate warning sign that someone is trying to manipulate you. The truth is, we can never really be sure if they’re trying to help you.
That’s why, when a real manipulator uses it, it can be dangerous.
Why? Nothing makes us feel more visible than feeling like we have someone on our side. Abusers love to play on this.
They usually do this by trying to make it clear that they are on your side, and that it is just the two of you against the world.
So pay attention when someone tells you this and then immediately starts cutting you off from everyone around you.
They probably want to do this so that they can have more control over you.
4) “Family Forever”
Manipulators love to hint at phrases that invoke some sort of “continuity” in your relationship to keep you on their side.
You’ll often hear them say things like “Blood is thicker than water!” and “Friends Forever!”
But what this means is that they want to control you—and that you are sacrificing for them—forever!
It’s not just manipulators, either. Whole groups of people (like abusive friend groups) will also use this to make you feel like you’re all alone without them.
5) “But I Thought You Loved Me”
They’re always quick to bring up your feelings for them whenever you do something they don’t like.
It doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be as simple as setting boundaries like “don’t call me after midnight” or “don’t use my stuff without my permission.”
They’re trying to capitalize on the idea of unconditional love — if you loved them, you wouldn’t set boundaries.
Be very wary if someone uses this line or something similar like “but I thought we were friends,” “but I thought we were family,” or “but I thought we were a team.”
They just want to get their way all the time.
6) “You’re the best!”
“You’re the smartest,” “You’re the most generous person I know.”
There’s nothing wrong with compliments per se. They’re great, and everyone — even those who might deny it — wants to receive compliments.
The problem lies in the intent behind them.
Manipulators give compliments so that you’ll become emotionally attached to them and do things for them.
They’ll say “You’re great at what you do. I adore you. Can you help me?”
As a general rule, if someone is too quick to compliment people, you should be wary. If he is a real manipulator, he will sell you something or ask you to do things for him.
7) “You know I would never do that to you”
Anyone can say this phrase and mean it.
But most often, this line is used when someone has been caught red-handed and wants to get away with it.
You should be careful when someone uses this phrase a lot. If it’s consistent enough that you can call it a habit, then you need to take a hard look at your relationship with them.
It doesn’t matter if they’re a lover, a friend, or even a family member.
By saying this phrase, they’re trying to pressure you for daring to doubt them and even embarrass you for it.
They want you to feel bad for accusing them of doing something bad (even if it’s true).
8) “Calm down, you’re overreacting”
Yes, you might be overreacting, but directly accusing them like this is probably the worst way to handle it.
They’re saying “I’m not interested in understanding you, shut up now.”
And if you’re calm, they’ll try to say this while trying to provoke you so they feel like they’re right.
But the problem is that real manipulators use this phrase as a technique to shift the focus away from them and their behavior.
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By highlighting your reaction, the actual problem (they caused) will be buried.
This is their clever way of turning the tables. It makes you the bad guy, not them.
9) “Don’t you care at all?”
Translation: “Why don’t you care about the things I care about?!”
Manipulators may use the same words as the rest of us, but they have a much more selfish definition of those words than the rest of us.
When they say “You don’t care!” it’s not because you don’t care – it’s because you’re not as interested in their stuff as they wish you were.
They want you to think about their career, their garden, their dream vacation, and their dream family. Not only that, they want you to put in the effort to help them achieve their goals even if you’d rather focus on your own!
10) “You’re thinking about it too much”
Alternatively, “Don’t think about it too much” or “You’re making it too complicated.”
We live in a very complex world, and sometimes thinking too much is necessary to understand it.
While there are admittedly times when things aren’t that complicated, it’s not appropriate to ask people to shut down and comply.
Don’t be afraid to think, and ask for time to think if you feel you need it. Everyone can benefit from more time to breathe and process their thoughts.
Anyone who tries to rush you—or worse, shut down your mind—should be immediately suspicious.
Ask yourself, “Why are they rushing me into making a decision now?” and “Who would benefit from this—me or them?”
11) “Let me tell you a secret…”
Be wary when someone willingly shares a secret with you.
They’re likely to be manipulators who want to gain some kind of leverage over you.
Think about it—if it’s their secret, why would they share it out of thin air? Secrets are called secrets for a reason, after all.
And if it’s someone else’s secret, why would they share it?
Manipulators know the power of sharing secrets.
It brings you closer together psychologically. It can help build friendships faster by making you feel understood and trusted.
Now ask yourself this question: “Why do they want to be so close to me?”
12) “I’ve changed.”
We all change.
We change little by little, day by day. Sometimes a lot of change happens quickly, followed by little or no change over a long period.
It’s okay when people positively say this – as if they approve of the changes you’ve made.
But be wary of the moment when they act as if it’s somehow a bad thing.
Step back and think about what changes they might object to… they probably won’t benefit from it anymore.
Manipulators often say this if you’ve changed into someone more mature and harder to control.
They hope that you’ll feel pressured to go back to your old self – someone they can easily manipulate.
Final Thoughts
Good manipulators are particularly hard to spot.
You may have spotted and rejected many obvious manipulators… and yet you are dancing to the tune of another manipulator without knowing it.
I hope this article helps you better spot the more malicious manipulators.
But don’t stop at words. It’s also important to learn how to read people’s intentions through their tone of voice and body language.
