When we think of narcissism, we often picture someone who is loud, arrogant, and attention-seeking. But not all narcissists fit this stereotype. Covert narcissists are much harder to identify because they tend to display their narcissism in more subtle, understated ways. This makes them more difficult to spot, but just as emotionally damaging. Here are 12 non-obvious signs that you might be dealing with a covert narcissist:
1. They Have a Superiority Complex But Appear Modest
While an overt narcissist is blatant about their belief that they’re better than everyone else, a covert narcissist takes a subtler approach. They might present themselves as modest or humble, but deep down, they believe they’re superior. This superiority complex often comes out in more passive ways, like acting offended when they don’t receive the recognition they think they deserve.
- Example: They may downplay their accomplishments publicly, but in private, they express resentment or jealousy towards those who receive praise or accolades they believe should be theirs.
2. They Play the Victim
One of the hallmark signs of a covert narcissist is their tendency to play the victim. They frequently portray themselves as being wronged, mistreated, or misunderstood. This allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions while also eliciting sympathy and attention from others.
- Example: When confronted with their behavior, they might say, “You always make me feel like I’m the bad guy,” even when their actions are clearly harmful.
3. They Have Passive-Aggressive Tendencies
Covert narcissists often express their frustrations in passive-aggressive ways. Rather than openly communicating their anger or dissatisfaction, they might sulk, give the silent treatment, or make snide, sarcastic remarks. This allows them to avoid direct confrontation while still punishing those around them.
- Example: If you point out something they did wrong, they might respond with, “Well, I guess I’m just a terrible person then,” in a sarcastic tone, making you feel guilty for bringing it up.
4. They Have a False Sense of Humility
While covert narcissists may appear humble, their humility is often a façade. They might go out of their way to act modest or self-effacing, but this is usually a tactic to fish for compliments or validation.
- Example: They may say things like, “Oh, I’m really not that good at my job,” in a way that invites others to reassure them and praise their abilities.
5. They Are Hypersensitive to Criticism
Covert narcissists have fragile egos, and they are incredibly sensitive to even the slightest criticism. They might react defensively or emotionally to any feedback, no matter how constructive, because they interpret it as a personal attack.
- Example: A simple comment like, “Maybe you could try doing it this way next time,” can result in a disproportionate emotional reaction, such as sulking, withdrawal, or even lashing out.
6. They Often Display Feigned Empathy
Covert narcissists can appear empathetic, but their concern for others is often superficial and self-serving. They might express sympathy or concern for someone, but only because it makes them look good or aligns with their own agenda.
- Example: They may pretend to care about a friend’s struggles, but only if it gives them an opportunity to position themselves as morally superior or more enlightened.
7. They Give Backhanded Compliments
A covert narcissist often delivers compliments that feel more like insults. These backhanded compliments allow them to subtly undermine others while still maintaining an appearance of friendliness.
- Example: “You’re so brave for wearing that outfit. I could never pull off something so daring.”
These types of comments are meant to leave the recipient questioning themselves while allowing the narcissist to maintain the upper hand.
8. They Are Experts in Silent Manipulation
Covert narcissists excel at subtle, indirect forms of manipulation. They often use silence, guilt-tripping, or playing dumb to get what they want without ever having to ask directly. Their manipulations are often so subtle that the people around them don’t even realize they’re being controlled.
- Example: Instead of directly expressing their needs, they might act hurt or disappointed until someone offers to help or give them what they want.
9. They Harbor Resentment and Grudge-Holding
While overt narcissists may lash out quickly when they feel slighted, covert narcissists tend to hold onto grudges silently, often harboring deep resentment for perceived wrongs. Over time, they may subtly “punish” those they feel have wronged them, even if the slight was minor or unintentional.
- Example: If a friend once forgot their birthday, a covert narcissist might bring it up in small, passive-aggressive comments for years to come.
10. They Are Often Pessimistic or Cynical
Covert narcissists tend to have a negative outlook on life, often expressing pessimism or cynicism about people or situations. This negativity often stems from their belief that the world doesn’t appreciate them enough, or that others are not as competent or deserving as they are.
- Example: They might frequently complain that “nothing ever works out for them” or that “everyone else gets all the breaks.”
11. They Use Guilt as a Weapon
Guilt-tripping is a favorite tool of covert narcissists. They use guilt to control and manipulate the people around them, making others feel bad for not giving them the attention, sympathy, or praise they think they deserve.
- Example: They might say things like, “I guess you’re too busy to care about me,” if you don’t respond to their messages immediately, making you feel guilty for having your own boundaries or priorities.
12. They Seem to Have a Fragile Confidence
Although covert narcissists appear confident, their self-esteem is often fragile. They are deeply insecure and rely on external validation to feel good about themselves. When they don’t receive this validation, they can become withdrawn, sullen, or passive-aggressive.
- Example: After a social event where they weren’t the center of attention, they might withdraw and sulk, feeling slighted or unappreciated.
How to Protect Yourself
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be exhausting and emotionally draining. Here are some steps you can take to protect yourself:
- Set Clear Boundaries
Make sure to establish and maintain clear boundaries with the covert narcissist. This can help protect you from their manipulative tactics. - Don’t Engage in Their Victim Mentality
Covert narcissists thrive on playing the victim. Don’t feed into their need for sympathy or validation when they present themselves as always being wronged. - Limit Your Emotional Investment
Be mindful of how much emotional energy you invest in the relationship. It’s important to take care of your own emotional well-being and avoid getting caught up in their manipulative cycles. - Seek Support
If you find yourself frequently dealing with a covert narcissist, it can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. They can provide you with perspective and guidance on how to navigate the relationship. - Recognize When It’s Time to Walk Away
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is distance yourself from a toxic person. If the covert narcissist in your life is consistently undermining your well-being, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
Conclusion
Covert narcissists can be challenging to identify because their behavior is often subtle and indirect. However, the emotional toll they can take on those around them is very real. By recognizing the non-obvious signs of covert narcissism, you can better protect yourself from their manipulative tendencies and take steps to maintain your own emotional health.
